To find this unbearable?

[YellowRice]

My DH is fairly self sufficient and hands on. We get on well

He does however have anxiety. This mainly manifests in verbal tics. We just watched an upsetting documentary and he has been walking round getting ready for bed repeating a phrase over and over again under his breath. Last night I went to sleep in the kids bedroom because he was repeating quite dark words over and over again in my ear as I slept.

It's really bad at the mo.

He doesn't do it in public or around anyone else

I just want him to speak to his GP. But he refuses or get upset with me if I push.

My kid repeats it now sometimes as thinks it's funny. He's 3.

I don't want to sound uncaring and I want to support him but he seems to have accepted this as part of everyday life and I'm not sure I can.

Oh dear, poor chap that sounds emotionally exhausting.
Poor you too, that sounds hard to relax around.

Maybe he feels he can't change it so why but energy into trying.
Perhaps finding some examples of people who have successfully overcome similar challenges to inspire him to have hope and maybe find some motivation that way would help him take a step in the right direction.

It sounds overwhelming and powerful so I can see why he just can't see a way past it.

If your child is picking up on this then I'd be giving an ultimatum to him...he either gets help or you'll be reconsidering the relationship. And I don't say that lightly either, but it's affecting your child.

"He doesn't do it in public or around anyone else"

So he can turn it off?

Wow,sorry but that's strange "dark words" you need to show him this thread...or get him to move out

Balls. He's suffering and in a small closed-in world. You know those vows you took? Step up. Ask him, listen, acknowledge. Plan changes that are realistic together

What dark words?

personally I’d give him an ultimation - meds through Gp or leave. Your child cannot be exposed to such stuff and so you will not tolerate the behaviour

Can he try turning the dark words into something happier? Like starting with the first syllable but then making it into a different (nicer) word? Might not work, but could be worth a try.

No one can just turn something like that off. You can stifle it temporarily as necessary but it'll be there under the surface. It is good he is able to be transparent about his difficulties at home, imagine what a pressure cooker he'd be if he couldn't.

Sounds like he needs help but accepting that you do and believing it might make a difference and so taking action and seeking the help are the hard parts.

Will he listen if you bring up that it's affecting your child? To be honest, if just accept that you're going to upset him and push him on the issue. He may not listen until everything reaches a tipping point. Hopefully the impact on your child (and you) will be enough to show him he needs help.

I'd just*, not if

I totally sympathise with him and with you

but I think if your child is repeating it and your sleep is disturbed he needs to see someone or get some type of alternative therapy - I feel for him but personally I would struggle with this

My kid repeated one of his main tics and DH said to me later "god that makes me so sad. I feel so ashamed" but then when I bring up GP or CPT he's like "see this is why I don't share stuff cos you just use it as an opportunity to push your agenda rather than listen"

The dark words aren't against me. They're always against himself "I'm a terrible person" or "hate myself" or "hate hate". He will sometimes randomly blurt these words out at night, sometimes say them very quietly under his breath on repeat. This is daily occurance but usually once or twice, at the moment continously at home. He says he doesn't do it at work because when he's at home he relaxes more and it just starts to happen

I don't know if I can live with it without him trying anything to stop or reduce it

YANBU. He is being extremely unfair saying that you asking him to see the GP is "pushing an agenda". Would he say that if you were asking him to consult the doctor for a persistent cough? We can all have health problems that cause issues for others, and there's nothing inherently 'worse' about mental health issues than physical health issues.

If he won't at least speak to a doctor about his health problem then you would not be unreasonable to explore options yourself. I don't mean 'give him an ultimatum' but you don't have to just accept it. I feel bad for him too, saying that he feels ashamed about your child repeating his tic - it's obviously not something he can control, the poor guy (poor you, too, of course!), so it's just awful that he feels ashamed about it.

I wonder if speaking to the GP or other health care professional yourself might be an option? Obviously they can't discuss his health with you, but you can tell them things and ask for advice on potential treatment options or how you might be able to convince him to seek help? I'm just throwing ideas around, but it seems like the first step might be getting over the shame hurdle.

So he thinks you don't listen.
Is that reasonable, have you asked him about this and genuinely listened to the answer?
Could you ask him, would it help if you listened.
It doesn't sound like he's very happy and communication is the start of improvements.

I'd also ask him to understand you need him well for you and his child. If they are tics, he may not want medicine or therapy and to be allowed manage. However, if anything more sinister like early schizophrenia, he absolutely will need help.

He probably can to an extent. What he can't do it control it 24/7. It's called masking.