Partner reaction to DS saying he's useless

[MrsFawltyTowers]

NC as this could be outing.

I've recently been worried about my DS MH. He's only 7. He's recently been saying he hates himself and being negative about himself. Tonight he put on paper I'm useless and hopeless. We have chatted about this and I've told him this is not the cases. Currently waiting to speak to a mental health lady in a few weeks.

Anyway my AIBU is about my partner. We don't live together so I text her for support saying what DS had written down. She replied why did he write that? Then said I know this isn't right to say but if he's using suffixes like that in his writing then he's hitting expected in his writing in his year at school (she's a teacher). I mean wtf....... she knows the circumstances etc and after I've told her that which I'm clearly upset about she replies this.

Aibu to be completely dumbfounded......

Is your partner ds mum? Is she neurotypical?

I'm DS mum. From what I believe she is, shes never reacted like this before, being dismissive to a serious conversation. Me and DS are neurodiverse.

Sorry to clarify I believe she is neurotypical

It sounds like she just wanted to say something positive about him, albeit a bit clumsily.

I would say that kind of thing to lighten the mood/be positive/just because I think I’m funny and have a dark sense of humour.
might be a case of it being over message and not hearing the tone and therefore not realising she may have been joking. Not really something to joke about admittedly, but maybe she was trying to make you feel better. If you were both in the same room maybe it wouldn’t have hot your back up as much. Just trying to play devils advocate here.

I think why it feels not like a joke is because she's usually reassuring and doesn't say stuff like this.
Also why start with this isn't the right thing to say 😕

It sounds like she is pointing out that he is really good at something.

I’d be think I’d take it that way as well. It’s one thing your mum telling you you’re clever and smart and really good at writing, part of you knows your mum has to say that because she’s your mum. But don’t you think that DS might find a little more of a confidence boost in hearing that somebody who isn’t his mum and is a teacher has said that he’s clever and really good at writing?

If she’s usually supportive then I wouldn’t rush to take this badly, tone is just difficult to convey in text.

I think she is trying to lighten the mood and/or point out a positive. She’s being clumsy.

Text is a terribly blunt tool, it’s best to talk about this stuff face to face or at least on the phone.

When you speak in person you can point out you needed a more supportive response, but don’t get into text message escalation, and don’t take it to heart if it’s a one off.

I would also wonder if she said that in reply to what he has written? So he says he is useless but she is saying no as he is doing well at writing? Maybe misguided but that's what I would suspect.

Thing is if I had written this about her DC she would go mad at me stating I didn't care etc. I don't know I just think this response is not caring.
Yesterday we were talking face to face and I was stating DS had been tough recently and she rolled her eyes and said yea I know he bloody has.

She might have been trying to be positive but she could have been more constructive and reassuring. Perhaps she will be when you speak to her.

My DS went through a phase when he was this age, just before diagnosis and medication. He knew he was different, he knew he was struggling, he wanted to so better and couldn't work put how or why he was different and kept fucking up. I'm not sure what kind of ND your DS has, but whatever it is is almost certainly the root cause of this and it is about the age it will manifest more obviously to him and others. I hope you're both getting some support, and I mean professional support, because your partner sounds rather UNsupportive.

I don't think she meant offence, she was trying to be constructive. And actually, giving your son that feedback would not be a bad thing....good opportunity to highlight how clever he is. Obviously his lack of confidence is something to discuss further, but not over text message.....

Why do you accept this behaviour from her? Why can she speak about your son in this manner and yet she would go mad if you spoke about her children in the same way?

Did he? Do you mind me asking what he was diagnosed with? I'm diagnosed but he isn't and I strongly suspect adhd. I myself felt I was different and he is acts just like.myself and so I believe he's beginning to realise he's also different. It breaks my heart. I just don't know what to do. I have sought MH help. Our appointment is in a few weeks time

While waiting for support etc,would it help to sit down acknowledge how he feels but then write ,draw his positive ,good qualities that he and those around him know he has.

Adhd and ASD, but the ADHD was what got un the way of his learning. Have you spoken to school? Do they have a SEND team? Also worth writing down all the things that are an issue and going to the GP with them. Start talking to him about adhd and how brains work differently and give him coping strategies and techniques and an understanding of himself so he knows it's not him being useless, but just that he needs to function in a world designed for NT people and therefore might need to put things in place to help himself and give himself more kindness. Teach him to be his own best friend. I have no diagnosis, but I recognise many of my son's adhd traits in myself and having an understanding of myself has been the biggest gift. I have been able to turn the volume down on the negative self talk. Maybe you can help your DS to do this also x

That sounds very hard and I have no idea if your partner is unsupportive but I would read from that comment that he is punching ahead of his writing age and clearly is NOT useless.

I think the suggestion that you sit down and write all the things he's good at.

List them out.
From big to small.
Kindness
Generosity
Sharing
Loving to mummy
Great hugs
Kind to friends
Kind to animals
Witty
Good at playing with his toys
Good at building lego/stuff
Good at drawing
Good at dressing himself
Good at making his bed
Good at tidying up
Good at helping you
Good at getting ready for school
The list goes on and on.

All the positives however small that you can think of.

Keep repeating them.

When you see him doing something, say "thats another thing you are good at".

He has a voice in his head telling him one thing, you can be another voice.

Pin up the list so he can see it in the kitchen.

Wishing you well.

Its a very sensitive age for boys IMO, much more so that for girls in my experience, though of course that is subjective.

I was always telling my boys how great they were and how handsome they were.

They used to tell me I suffered badly with "mummy goggles".....they still say it to this day!

For the life of me I cannot figure out why what she said bothered you, but it seems like you have bigger issues if she would "go mad at you for not caring" about a similar issue.

It sounds like both of you are too intense about your expectations of the other around your kids.

If my DP told me something like this about my DSS and I just tried to say something positive I would not be impressed if they took offence that my reaction wasn't bigger.

Similarly, if my DP pointed out his DS had been hard work (and he had) I would probably say something I like "yes he bloody has". I wouldn't tolerate living in a household where I wasn't allowed to say that.

The problem is that it seems to be a double standard, as she wouldn't be ok with any of that in reverse. I think you are both being unreasonable about that and need to relax about it, and she obviously needs to stop being a hypocrite.

Also reading between the lines, if your DP would normally put on more of a show of concern, combined with her comment about him being hard work atm, it sounds like she has been struggling with him recently. Have you addressed that? Is it a reasonable reflection of his behaviour?