Really don't know whether to leave or stay....

[FeelingNumb81]

Hi, first time poster here. I'm 42 years old. I have been with my partner for 9 years, no kids and we live together. He can be a moody bugger on a daily basis (no at me but to be around) and if we are out and about and someone annoys him (bad driving etc) he can get angry. I guess I am used to it now. We have always rowed and when we do it gets very heated and loud (by him and then I end up responding in the same way) but he gets personal, calls me names, says hurtful things about my friends and family etc. Recently we have had some really bad rows where he said I don't make any effort with him, worst girlfriend ever etc, we don't have enough sex and its resulted in talks about splitting up and selling our house. Then we don't talk for a few days and it just goes back to normal until the next time. I have issues with our relationship where I don't think we spend enough time together but he doesn't see the problem as we see each other every night and the things that I like to do he doesn't like to do. He spends most of his time with a close friend dog walking or playing golf. He is good in that he does his fair share of housework, cooking etc and we both earn our own money. If we split up I could afford to buy myself a small one bed house so that's not an issue but for some reason I am still here. I feel totally numb. I think part of me is scared to be alone and never meet anyone again and also our friends are all mutual and I know that would change to a degree. To give some perspective he went through something a few years ago that no-one should ever have to go through and he is definitely angrier since. Should I just accept that we have got different interests and try and make myself more busy or is this relationship dead in the water? When I raise our issues with him he says he knows he has a temper and things annoy him but I push his buttons and am not easy to live with either. I can't imagine I am perfect by any means but I don't ever moan at him, tell him what to do, get upset that he doesn't come to family stuff with me etc so I know I am not awful. I feel numb and confused and not really sure where to go from here.......

It’s very easy for a stranger on the internet to tell someone to end a long relationship and jump into the unknown. Only you can possibly know what’s best for you.

However you are describing what sounds like a difficult relationship which doesn’t seem to be bringing you very much by way of love and happiness. You regularly experience verbal abuse and he doesn’t prioritise you and your needs at weekends and attending family events.

Would you consider some counselling for yourself to go through your options? Or talk with a trusted friend? It can be hard to see the wood for the trees. The fact that he’s has had trauma isn’t a reason for you to stay, it’s for him to recognise and address. I’m sure you’ve tried to support him and it hasn’t helped- he has to take ownership.

Wishing you well. (And I’d strongly recommend asking to have this moved to the relationship board)

Yes I agree about asking strangers. I guess I just don't know what else to do. my closest friend knows the whole story and says I am fighting a losing battle. With regards to his trauma I am not sure he even would admit it has changed him, that's purely my opinion that it has but yes you are right that it's not my job to sort that out. Thank you for replying. How do I ask to have this moved? x

If you press the report button you can ask hq to move it.

Maybe taking through your options on here might help to sort out your feelings?

What an absolutely horrible relationship. I can't even imagine living this way. Your relationship should enrich your life, not make you feel like you're living in a constant state of battle.

Get rid already.

You're far too young for this to be the way you live forever. Leave.

Your relationship is horrible - you both seem equally unhappy.

If you can't bring yourself to end this awful relationship then could you get some solo counselling to help you think things through?

But frankly, just go. Staying is damaging both of you.

You're the same age as me, if leave this relationship and eventually find someone who is much more suited to me than this! This is jot healthy.

How do you feel about being with this man for the rest of your life, another 30 or 40 years?

This is no way to live, but I think you know that already.

42 is young- you have plenty of time to find someone else, if that's what you want! And if not, being single is great and certainly better than being in a relationship with someone who makes you unhappy.

I think part of me is scared to be alone

Having had a lifetime of living with angry men (my father then my husband) and having lived the last few years on my own I can tell you it's not something to be scared of. The peace is utterly blissful. Not having someone blaming you for things that aren't your fault or picking faults just for the sake of having a go - what's not to like.

I have issues with our relationship where I don't think we spend enough time together

But look what you've said about the rest of it - it's not a happy relationship, why would you want to make space for more of that treatment?

but for some reason I am still here

It is very difficult to take the leap. Especially with the pattern your relationship is in - it's the calm times that keep you there. Most people wait for a big blow up to instigate the split but to calmly talk to each other (if possible) and agree it's not working and agreeing to separate is a much better option than a huge fallout that will result in bitterness afterwards.

It sounds like you are putting up with a lot from him (I suppose it would, it's your side of the story) and he had pleasant times with his dog walking and golf. How about you do something for you, to see how you like putting yourself first? Don't tell anyone, just go and do it. Whether it's going to the fancy deli and buying one chocolate to savour or signing up to learn something new, do something to bring you joy, that's your first step

You've spoken about splitting up so it shouldn't come as a surprise to him when you actually put the split into motion. You need to just get on with it.

You don't sound as if you actually like each other very much, you have complaints about each other, and he sounds actively unkind and unpleasant.

Your relationship with your significant other should enhance your life, not make your life miserable.

I would suggest journaling/keeping a diary for a month. Put down everything, good and bad. Record the times when he is grumpy. Try and spot the times when you feel deep peace and or joyfulness. Write down what made you happy.

Maybe at the same time do more things on your own, the sort of things you would have to do alone if you were single.

Check your finances so you know what you can afford to buy, even contact mortgage companies.

Then at the end of the month review what you’ve written, and see if the good times outnumber the bad.

from what you’ve written, it doesn’t sound like a good relationship.

To be honest, I think if you are asking this question, the answer is probably that you should leave.

When I was married I didn't feel safe enough to post on MN (he told me he could see everything I was doing on the computer) but every time I wanted to do so I knew that if it was bad enough to ask the question I knew what the answers would be.

It takes courage enough just to hear those answers sometimes, especially with the push/pull pattern of abuse.

my closest friend knows the whole story and says I am fighting a losing battle.

so your closest friends think you should leave?