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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

or is DH ?

22 replies

MrsDandOllie · 19/02/2008 09:00

Not sure if DH is being an inconsiderate git or if I am just being hormonal and overreacting here.....

I am pregnant and fed up (due yesterday). I am sooo uncomfortable, it hurts just to walk and I am really struggling with looking after DS (2 years).
DH knows I am feeling crappy, he knows I am not sleeping well and am exhausted.
He commutes to London for work, so it takes him 2 hours min to get home and he works long hours (leaves 7am ish and back about 8pm ish usually).
He normally plays football after work on a Monday. Last week I suggested that he give it a miss this week, partly because of being nervous of not being able to contact him while he is playing with him being so far away and it being my due date (DS was 2 weeks early), but mostly because I could just do with having him home earlier in the evening while I am so close to having baby and am so fed up and uncomfortable. He agreed.
Last night at 5pm I called him to see what time he was likely to be back so I knew what to do about dinner. He said he was still busy working and didnt know, and I should probably eat with DS to be on safe side. Fair enough, I ate with DS and did all bath time, bed time etc on my own.
Got to 8pm, still hadnt heard from DH so called again and he was only just leaving work. Was a bit that he was only just leaving work and hadnt bothered to call, but said 'ok, not to worry, although I'll most likely be in bed when you get back now as i'm so tired'
I went to bed and then DS had a nightmare and was up at midnight crying (he doesnt normally wake up at night) and I realised that DH wasnt home yet!! I managed to settle DS again eventually (in my bed, he wouldnt go in his own and I was too tired to insist) and stayed awake quietly fuming until DH got back at past 1am!
He said that after he spoke to me on the phone earlier he'd then phoned a friend who was was working late too and they'd decided to go for a couple of drinks. Seeing as I was going to bed he didnt see any point in him rushing home!!
He thinks I am being unreasonable in being so annoyed at him because he wasnt to know that DS would wake up and he 'only' had a couple of drinks.
I'm furious and had tears and all sorts (mostly because I am tired and uncomfortable I expect) and didnt get back to sleep for over 2 hours because I was so annoyed.
I just feel that if he can leave work on time every Monday to make it to his bloody football practice, then he should make the effort to leave on time to get home and help me out when he says he will!! He says that he is going to have to take time off soon when baby is born so needs to do what work is required now seeing as his work have been nice enough to give him a week paternity leave on full pay when he only started there just before xmas.

.....AIBU?

OP posts:
needmorecoffee · 19/02/2008 09:02

I reckon thats a tad unreasonable with the baby so imminent. What if you'd gone in labour!

pooka · 19/02/2008 09:05

Well it's not as if going for drinks with a friend is going to get extra work done before he has paternity leave.
You are so completely not being unreasonable.

NoBiggy · 19/02/2008 09:06

Are you planning a hospital birth? Is he supposed to be driving you? IF so, he's no bloody use miles away and tanked-up.

And what's with not telling you? I do wonder if some men get a thrill of being a bit "naughty" and going off for a drink without telling. Silly boys

YANBU, because he may have had work to do, but work didn't make him go out for a drink until the wee small hours on the sly.

MrsTittleMouse · 19/02/2008 09:08

I can see his thought processes - "I may as well work late now, as DW knows to eat without me and not expect me, and anyway I should get this stuff done before I'm on paternity leave" and "now I'm late DW will be in bed and so I may as well spend some time with my work collegue, I won't be able to do that when we have a baby either".
He is wrong however. You are heavily pregnant and need his support, not counting the fact that you could go into labour at any minute and need him a) home and b) sober.
So YANBU.

ruty · 19/02/2008 09:08

No, you're not. but i wouldn't let it get to you. It was a bit unfair of him to go out for drinks, but you can see the way he would think, 'oh she's going to bed so it won't make any difference'. Some people , especially men, get so absorbed into the work culture they can lose perspective on the home front, and they are often teased mercilessly if they don't play the work culture as expected.
Could he take some holiday when you have the baby as well, to spend around 3 weeks with you then? that's what dh is doing. Make it clear to him that you really need more support right now, calmly.

ruty · 19/02/2008 09:10

didn't know you were imminent. Not fair on you at all.

Minkus · 19/02/2008 09:57

Don't think either of you are being particularly unreasonable but it would piss me off too if I was in your shoes!

I'd get a bit teary, tell him how much you needed him and you feel a bit let down, accept his apology and make him run you a nice bath with big bubbles and rub your shoulders in recompense. Emotional blackmail? Absolutely. Acceptable when you're ready to pop? Completely

Arbensmum · 19/02/2008 11:03

YANBU
This would piss me off even if i wasn't pregnant. He should have at least called and told you his plans but ideally he should have just come home
Any signs of bubba yet?

anniemac · 19/02/2008 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kekouan · 19/02/2008 11:52

YANBU - I would be fuming. He probably doesn't understand though...

explain that you need him around more, that he needs to leave work on time and be home as early as he can at the moment?

grr

sorry

BirdyArms · 19/02/2008 12:07

I think that I would have reacted exactly the same way as you. Sounds like the typical sort of argument that dh and I have. Your dh was inconsiderate but not deliberately so. Good that you've told him what you think. If he is like my dh he won't repeat this exact same mistake but sopmething similar will happen in a couple of months time. My advice is try to not to get too worked up about it - not saying that you sound unecessarily worked up but you need to try to relax as much as possible at the moment.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 19/02/2008 12:13

YANBU - I would have gone ape-shit. He was being inconsiderate, but probably not on purpose.

wannaBe · 19/02/2008 12:16

it would annoy me even if I wasn't pregnant. My dh works in London too and also has a two hour commute each way, so if he rang at 8 and said he was just leaving I would expect him home at 10/10:30 at the latest so if he then didn't arrive home I would worry.

Not necessarily anything wrong with him going for a drink esp as you were going to bed anyway but not telling you is inconsiderate imo.

MrsDandOllie · 19/02/2008 12:17

You're right, he just doesnt understand... must be a man thing!
He just sent me a text saying 'hope you are having a good day, i left you a cup of tea on the side this morning as i didnt want to wake you' I just feel like replying 'no, having a shitty day, am horribly tired and achy and just want to cry till bedtime' but am restraining myself!!
No signs of baby coming today and I just read the 'random acts of kindness' thread and am in floods of tears lol, so definitely hormones on the loose!!!

Thanks for all your kind words!

OP posts:
LambethLil · 19/02/2008 12:25

Anniemac, where (with regards work) do you live? We've always been really near DHs work, but that has other disadvantages. People commute to be able to have a safe house with room for babies. MrsDO, sorry for hi-jack; your DH sounds as if he knows he got it wrong. Minkus had a good plan!

LambethLil · 19/02/2008 12:26

Anniemac, where (with regards work) do you live? We've always been really near DHs work, but that has other disadvantages. People commute to be able to have a safe house with room for babies. MrsDO, sorry for hi-jack; your DH sounds as if he knows he got it wrong. Minkus had a good plan!

lizziemun · 19/02/2008 13:00

YANBU.

and yes you should havr answer his text 'no, having a shitty day, am horribly tired and achy and just want to cry till bedtime'.

Sometime you have to tell men ion that sort of detail so they understand what happening.

3andnomore · 19/02/2008 13:13

YANBU...he is very inconsiderate....and indeed, is he meant to be driving you to Hospital when things start...if so...drunk and not at home he isn't much use, is he...it's different with work in itself...but he didn't have to stay late, did he....men can be so inconsiderate at times, sigh...

VictorianSqualor · 19/02/2008 13:13

YANBU, DP was supposed to be playing squash on friday, he popped home quickly after work (to let me in cos I'd locked myself out) then went to meet his colleague at the gym. When he got in 2hours later I'd fed the DC's and bathed them etc, and he decides to tell me he was at the pub because his mate forgot to book the squash court.
That pissed me off, and I told him so, I don't expect to be asked if he can do stuff, but I at least expect to be informed.

anniemac · 19/02/2008 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cory · 19/02/2008 22:42

YAabsolutelyNBU. This isn't about work culture or long commutes, it's about the fact that you are exhausted, overworked and could have a baby any minute- and he thinks it's alright to slope off for half the night night without telling you. Ffs he's an adult and a father, he's got responsibilities. You can't just decide to go drinking all night on the spur of the moment, can you? He still seems to think that men don't really really need to be responsible, because ultimately the woman will always be there.

I would also have been pissed off if dh had put football practice before my needs at such a difficult time. Football practice isn't work, it's not something he has to do. If he prioritises his pleasures before your need for support - well, the technical term for that is selfishness isn't it?

itsahardknocklife · 19/02/2008 22:47

oooooh I would have been FURIOUS! I can see his man-logic working, but it just goes to show how unreasonable a man can be.
Hope he takes more care of you between now and the birth x x

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