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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she being ridiculous or am I expecting to m ucc h from platonic friendship

28 replies

adayforit · 16/05/2023 19:35

My best friends partner doesn't like me. I've met her twice and she was rude and cold for absolutely no reason.
I've no reason to meet her anymore so I don't .
My best friend and I are also colleagues and are friends twenty years.
I was married and he has had a variety of relationships down through time
So we want to go and visit an old colleague who is sick.
Thai was all planned and only involved a few hours after work. We were both looking forward to spending time with him and catching up .
Suddenly he is not free.
He was meant to come to mine next weekend overnight for dinner and to meet old friends again. She is working.
Suddenly he is not free.
A group of friends were meant to go to his for dinner and an overnight. The others pulled out for various reasons ... I was free but despite this happening before and us continuing with plans, I am now not invited.

When she works he is in constant contact. When she is off he is only in contact late at night or early morning.
I'm getting sick of this .
I am no threat to their relationship.
We are old and dear friends.
I know there are issues about commitment in their relationship in that he is reluctant to get engaged and she wants to but they live together for years now and again, I am no threat.
So is she being ridiculous or am I expecting too much from a friendship?
I've tried and failed with her . She simply doesn't want me on the scene clearly .
He hasn't t said but I would imagine it's a bone of contention as he rarely brings her name up in front of me .

OP posts:
Sissynova · 16/05/2023 19:39

I don’t see how you’ve really “tried” and failed with her if you’ve met her twice but they’ve been together years.

Really bizarre to be such good friends with someone and not really know their partner imo.

There are a lot of expectations for overnight stays. Maybe people would find that weird.

Original poster
adayforit · 16/05/2023 19:42

I was welcome, smiley, chatty , bought her a drink and tried to chat twice. She was rude and cold

OP posts:
PollyAmour · 16/05/2023 19:48

She obviously thinks you have designs on her man and wants you to back off. It's a bit odd that he is doing as she asks and reducing contact with you, if it is a long standing platonic friendship.

Original poster
adayforit · 16/05/2023 19:53

I agree @PollyAmour

OP posts:
Original poster
adayforit · 16/05/2023 19:53

I'm old enough to be his mother ffs

OP posts:
Treesoutsidemywindow · 16/05/2023 19:54

Have you tried talking to him about why he only contacts you late at night or when she's at work OP? If not, then you should. If he says that she feels threatened by your friendship, then could you maybe send her a letter, telling her that he's indicated that she feels uncomfortable with having you around her partner, and saying that you want to put her mind at rest, and that she has no reason to feel concerned, because you've known each other for 20 odd years, and if you were going to get together it would have happened long before she came on the scene?

Another thought though, is he perhaps carrying a candle for you? It might explain his reluctance to commit to an engagement, perhaps he has mentionitis when it comes to you, and that's why she feels threatened? Just some ideas for you to mull over.

AllAloneInThisHouse · 16/05/2023 19:56

Really bizarre to be such good friends with someone and not really know their partner imo.

I disagree hard on this.
I’m friends with my friends, I don’t care about their partners.

Celia24 · 16/05/2023 19:58

This has happened to me OP, friends about the same amount of time.

He kept cancelling and rescheduling - I'd say it happened every other time. They have actually just separated at his initiation so it's not a problem anymore!

I think if this continues you should speak to him. To be honest I spoke to my friend about how hurtful it was to be cancelled on etc taking her out of the equation and just focusing on the action one friend to another. You should let him know how it makes you feel.

Original poster
adayforit · 16/05/2023 19:59

He really doesn't have designed o me . She is a wonderful partner and is utterly devoted to him and their life together. She treats his family as her own and he is very attracted to her .
In our own case, we absolutely bounce off each other and have the greatest of fun and laughs . We support each other professionally and have needed to ah e each other's backs at work at times so the bond is strong and valuable to us both .
I really don't want to lose it .

OP posts:
JupiterFortified · 16/05/2023 20:01

She sounds like bloody hard work.

polkadotdalmation · 16/05/2023 20:04

I think you just have to accept your friendship will mostly be in a work capacity. He has to choose her I'm afraid. If he met you after work it will cause problems for their relationship. Sad but inevitable when the partner doesn't have a lot of trust

SunshineAndFizz · 16/05/2023 20:11

adayforit · 16/05/2023 19:59

He really doesn't have designed o me . She is a wonderful partner and is utterly devoted to him and their life together. She treats his family as her own and he is very attracted to her .
In our own case, we absolutely bounce off each other and have the greatest of fun and laughs . We support each other professionally and have needed to ah e each other's backs at work at times so the bond is strong and valuable to us both .
I really don't want to lose it .

She's jealous of you and doesn't want him being close to you.

Nothing complicated here, just plain old doesn't want her boyfriend to have a close female friend. Like it or not, some people are just like that. Maybe she's insecure? Been cheated on? Who knows!

If your friend is backing off due her wishes there's not a lot you can do. Except maybe talk to him? Or try to befriend her too?

Neverinamonthofsundays · 16/05/2023 20:24

He has chosen his partner over you. Move on.

Original poster
adayforit · 16/05/2023 20:26

Pardon me @Neverinamonthofsundays ??? Are you joking?
He is my friend of twenty years.
Why dies he need to choose, in your opinion ?
Jesus

OP posts:
CaffeinateMeNow · 16/05/2023 20:31

adayforit · 16/05/2023 20:26

Pardon me @Neverinamonthofsundays ??? Are you joking?
He is my friend of twenty years.
Why dies he need to choose, in your opinion ?
Jesus

They aren’t saying he NEEDS to choose, they are saying he has. And they are right. For whatever reason he isn’t prioritising your friendship.

I think you need to talk to him about it. And possibly try again with his partner.

SunshineAndFizz · 16/05/2023 20:42

adayforit · 16/05/2023 20:26

Pardon me @Neverinamonthofsundays ??? Are you joking?
He is my friend of twenty years.
Why dies he need to choose, in your opinion ?
Jesus

Because the girlfriend has clearly asked him to back off and he hasn't said no.

Sorry but I do agree with @Neverinamonthofsundays

Usetherightgearforthehill · 16/05/2023 20:44

adayforit · 16/05/2023 20:26

Pardon me @Neverinamonthofsundays ??? Are you joking?
He is my friend of twenty years.
Why dies he need to choose, in your opinion ?
Jesus

Its not that he needs to choose its that he has chosen

Blip · 16/05/2023 20:46

His partner views you as a threat to their relationship. I'm not sure there is much you can do about this. She clearly feels insecure, maybe she is right to, maybe not.

Red0 · 16/05/2023 21:32

I can just imagine how this post and replies would differ if written from the point of view of the girlfriend!

Original poster
adayforit · 16/05/2023 21:41

It would read ...

I am with my boyfriend for many years .
We are very happy .
We live together .
We have had many happy holidays and weekends torrent.
We get on great.
I am very close to his family .
I want to get married .
He doesn't .
I want kids , he doesn't .
I like sex. He doesn't .
But I've accepted that.
He has a good friend of many years.
She is old and plain.
I don't like her .
I've no reason not to like her .
She had been nothing but friendly .
End of story .

OP posts:
Usetherightgearforthehill · 16/05/2023 21:55

Aibu

My partner has this work colleague, a woman, who he is really close to. I feel like my partner is strong, I get on well with his family, we do a lot together but he does have some commitment issues.

He has a femal work colleague who he has been close with for 20 years and they just spend so much social time together, more than I would ever spend woth a colleague.

For example:
In the next few weeks they were supposed to spend hours with each other visiting an old colleague.
Then he was going to have dinner and stay overnight at hers the next weekend. I wasnt invited and it was timed for when I was working.
Then he said he was having a group of friends staying over but all of a sudden its just going to be her coming over for a meal and staying over.

He tells me they are just friends but that she is great funny and they joke all the time and bounce off each other and their relaitonship is really important to him

Ive met her a couple of times and she was nice enough but im just extremely uncomfortable around her and although shes a lot older then him i just find all of this meeting up outside of work and staying over at each others houses especially when I am not around/invited to be really wierd.

Mummapenguin20 · 16/05/2023 22:02

Maybe ask him why she don’t like you

Original poster
adayforit · 16/05/2023 22:12

I know the answer to that .
There is no reason

OP posts:
RuffledKestrel · 16/05/2023 22:26

Any chance he is being emotionally abused by her? The sudden cancling of plans and always busy when he had plans that involved you?

I've been on the abused side... it's extreamly hurtful when your partner constantly is insecure and acuses you of cheating on them with your long term friends. Since you don't want to loose either the compromise can appear to be to always seem busy and only see your friends at work. He may not even realie how controlling his partner is being untill someone points it out to him.

Adults can be friends with the opposite sex.

KrisAkabusi · 16/05/2023 22:31

adayforit · 16/05/2023 21:41

It would read ...

I am with my boyfriend for many years .
We are very happy .
We live together .
We have had many happy holidays and weekends torrent.
We get on great.
I am very close to his family .
I want to get married .
He doesn't .
I want kids , he doesn't .
I like sex. He doesn't .
But I've accepted that.
He has a good friend of many years.
She is old and plain.
I don't like her .
I've no reason not to like her .
She had been nothing but friendly .
End of story .

You seem to know an awful lot about someone you've only met twice.

I like sex. He doesn't .
But I've accepted that

People on this site talk a lot about emotional affairs. If your friend is confiding in you enough that you know about her sex life and her opinions on it, I can see why she might think her partner is too close to you.

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