Discovered old ‘emotional’ affair, now feel that I don’t know my husband.

[AlexaOff]

A friend of mine recently suspected her husband of having an affair: after months of denial she caught him out by looking at his Facebook messenger archive folder (where deleted messages go). She told me this at the weekend and I was home using my husbands iPad (unlocked, I’m allowed), and I looked at his archived folder. I will get flamed for snooping, but I did look, and found that 9 years ago, when I thought we were incredibly happy and in love, he sought out a girl he had met a couple of years earlier on a course. She and he were in other relationships when they met on the course, but there was obviously chemistry. He messaged her out of the blue, 2 years after meeting her and when he and I were several months in. She had moved country, much to his disappointment, but they began messaging each other in earnest and it quickly went from chatty to flirty to sexual. It was pretty intense, messaging constantly, sending photos and calling. They discussed meeting - him flying out there, but it didn’t happen, she met someone in her country and after a few months it fizzled out.

We weren’t living together at the time, we were a few months in, but we were absolutely nuts about each other, couldn’t keep our hands off each other stage… proper limerence (or so I thought). Now I’ve seen that he was using the same charm, the same
lines on her (though love was never mentioned but he was clearly lusting after her) and I can’t unsee those messages and feel differently about us and how we started. He always tells everyone I was love at first sight for him. That he knew almost straightaway that we would be forever.. soul mates / destiny kind of thing. But the duplicity of it is eating me up. I always thought he was the most faithful, most loving and truthful of men, and I have no doubt from the intensity of those messages that he would have met her and shagged her ar the very least if she hadn’t of moved away. At worst I think he might have left me to pursue this.

We are pretty happy, still crazy about each other and have a fantastic sex life almost 10 years in. Why does this hurt so much? He knows I found the messages. He was angry and defensive to start, but seeing me upset and shaken has upset him. He swears he has never done anything like this since and can’t really explain it, other than he had just come out of a marriage when we met and he was car crash.

I think if it was 9 years ago and you weren't living together, I'd be tempted to move past it and assume it was a one off. But only you can decide that.

It's obviously shit what he's done, and completely understandable if you ended things because of it. A lie is a lie.

As with any affair it is a large part about betrayal and the realisation that your 'model' of your relationship is not necessarily accurate or reliable. This raises a lot of questions about the basis of your relationship and can see that would affect your emotional stability now.

It is inevitable that you will now reflect on things.

The lines / the way that he communicates are obviously very much about him, rather than you and it is difficult to realise that. Sorry you're struggling with this.

I was sending those messages when I met my DH. To somebody else I was infatuated with. I did both for a good six months. Until fate forced my hand and I had to choose. I’ve forgotten about it now and have a brilliant marriage. You need to let this go

I’d let it go and not mention it but I’d also probably check that message box every so often to make sure nobody else appears in it.

Hmmm, it's tricky. I can completely understand how you feel differently about him now. I think as you'd only been together a few months and weren't yet serious (despite all the romance and chemistry) I'd probably let it pass.
I think it can take a bit longer for men to think "She's the one" and at first I think some men keep their options open. My DH was the same in the early months. We had amazing chemistry, couldn't keep our hands off each other. He told me he loved me several times. I know for a fact he was still flirting with a couple of other women. I think he hadn't fully accepted that he was "off the market". It took a while for him to settle in to our relationship and for it to become serious (even though from his words and actions towards me you would have thought he took it very seriously!).
I remember when all this changed, maybe after 7 or 8 months, and I could suddenly see he'd had this mental shift and was now fully committed to me only. We've been together 20 years now and are very happy.
I think if your DH has been faithful ever since these messages were sent I'd try to forgive him and move on.

If you've had nine brilliant years since, and you're happy, let it go. It was really early days for the two of you and I wouldn't risk jeapordising what you have over it, this will ruin things if you let it. Don't.

What made you stay back then?
Why did you think that was okey?
I would have run so fast.

YANBU

That would taint the whole relationships.
Feel like everything was a lie the whole time…
I’m sorry op.

My first husband lied and cheated and had affairs. I thought this time was so different, that he was such a different man. I really trusted him and now I’m questioning everything. What else don’t I know about him? Is there other (worse) stuff that I don’t know? The messages he sent her were of a man besotted. He was so gutted that she had moved away and that he had lost the chance to be with ‘the hottest girl he’d ever met’. Ugh it’s so horrible.

Because I'd just come out of a really long term relationship and wasn't at all sure I wanted anything serious. I thought me and DH would be a little fling but we both became much more serious about each other after about 6 months. I wasn't looking for a husband at the time. DH is lovely. He soon became a very faithful and loyal (non-flirty) partner!

I would not be able to get past this, I'm afraid. He fundamentally lied to you about who he was and what your relationship meant to him. The marriage has been built on lies. I wouldn't be able to trust him again - and that would mean the end.

Sometimes the first few months of a serious relationship are the scariest.
Feelings are so strong, you realise that you will be badly hurt if things go wrong and you have made yourself very vulnerable.
I think that sometimes some people seek a source of validation from someone else that's meaningless but helps to make them feel like they have someone else who has feelings for them if think go wrong.
Once the relationship solidifies and settles down and both Leo feel secure then the interest in the "security blanket " person is gone