To find this so annoying

[popgoesthewaffle]

Admittedly, I'm not in the best mood today. However what's not helping is my DM.

She is coming to visit for a few days. She does this once a fortnight.

I phoned yesterday and asked what time she would arrive today. This invariably leads to a change in tone of conversation with her demurring and talking about train delays, cancellations etc.

A big deal is made of "having to check" train times. We're not talking a cross country journey. It's 30 mins away by direct train. Literally five stops.

Any way visiting day has arrived. Has she contacted me to let me know arrival time? Has she heck!

I've had to contact her (first irritation), she responds back immediately (second irritation) like she's just been waiting for me to make the first move. Proceeds to tell me she hasn't had time to check the trains yet, but will "let me know" and will just let herself in if I'm out collecting children from school.

All of that is third irritation!

I mean FFS!!! I feel like this is incredibly rude and annoying! And just for clarity. She is perfectly computer literate. A very young 60. Who is retired.

Maybe it's me but I'm so pissed off I could weep 🤯

She stays with you for a few days every couple of weeks when she only lives 30 minutes away? Who started that arrangement? That would do my head in for a start without everything else added in. It doesn't sound like either of you want it to happen

Yes!!! I recognise this.

For mine, it's anxiety.

Could she be anxious?

I feel since Covid, this is a new thing that's developed in people who were very confident before.

A few days once per fortnight when she lives fairly close by?

No wonder she's irritating you! That's a big burden on you.

I think you've given her far too much leeway for too long so she doesn't respect or probably even think of your time and has grown accustomed to being able to autonomously and freely decide on a whim when to set off, when to arrive, just presuming you'll be able to drop everything to meet her.

I would just say 'if I've not heard from you with an arrival time by 9pm the night before we'll leave it this time and try again another week. I need to know the schedule with everything else going on so 'waiting and seeing' doesn't work for me. I hope you get something booked!' and leave it otherwise.

Just cos she's your mum doesn't mean she doesn't have to extend basic courtesy to you.

She used to come weekly for the day but then that changed to fortnightly for one or two nights.

This was because she took on some voluntary work.

I'm happy to have her come but it's all the lead up and the messing about that does me in.

She's not anxious. She's always been this way. She has whole weeks of time to do her bits and pieces but will decide on the morning of coming here that she needs to jet wash her patio or similar.

I think it's so rude. We've had to stop her watching our children if we need to go somewhere that starts at a set time because if we say we MUST leave at 1, and explain it's a 40 minute drive. She will turn up at 12:45 with zero fucks given.

Sorry I feel really bad being so mean because I lover her. I really do. But this has pushed me over the edge today 🤯🤯🤯🤯

You're irritated because she immediately responds to your messages? YABU for that. Look at the hundreds of threads by people who are irritated at late replies!

Have you tried talking to her about it and telling her how you feel?

That would all really annoy me too

I'm irritated because I have to chase her up for her ETA. When she's clearly not busy because she can answer my messages immediately.

Different if she hasn't bothered to text as she was doing stuff. But it's not. She just hasn't bothered and I'm sitting here waiting for her to arrive

The latest plot twist is that we have a train time, hurrah!

But she's now decided to meet my dad for a sandwich because "it's on her way" and he'll bring her here afterwards.

Part of me feels like fine whatever. But then I also feel like this is very rude

Drop the rope. Seriously. If she has a key then there is no need for you to stay in. If she asks why you haven't messaged just say you forgot. Yes its annoying but try to stop giving it headspace. Just stop asking.

I could well just go out but I also don't just want her letting her and my dad in to my house.

I would never arrange to visit them. Not give an arrival time and then just let myself in to their house. I would feel incredibly rude. And after months of this nonsense I've had enough of letting it slide

Honestly. Grow a spine.

If you don’t want them letting themselves in, take the key off them.
Tell your mum that it doesn’t work for her to come every fortnight.
Youre enabling it by allowing it

I could well just go out but I also don't just want her letting her and my dad in to my house.

Fair enough, I wouldn't either. Change the barrel for under a fiver, tell her that her key doesn't work anymore, so if she doesn't want to sit on the doorstep she tells you her eta in plenty of time. And don't engage or give her a spare, keep "forgetting to get one cut". I promise you she will only sit outside the once!

I think you need to acknowledge that you find her annoying simply because she's your mum. It's very common but recognising it as your issue rather than any problem with your mum might help you to cope better. Parents are irritating. It's just life.

If your mum is perfectly capable of getting herself to yours then does it really matter which train exactly she's getting? Just chill and smile wryly to yourself.

From what you've said here she has done absolutely nothing worth getting irritated over so maybe just try and shrug off your annoyance and feel happy that she is in your life? Just remember you will be in a similar position with your kids one day. How would you like them to treat you?

Unless there's a massive back story...?

And why do you not want your parents to be able to let themselves into your home if they have a key? I'm not talking about at random times but when you know roughly when they'll be arriving I can't see the problem.

My Mum is terrible for this, with her it's all about control

She will tell me a day she's coming but goes totally incommunicado on the day. It's only just over 2 hours but as they have to stop for dinner it will sometimes take them five hours. I will only hear from her when she is five minutes away as she used to want me have DC waiting outside for her.

She will always say " oh just go out if you need to" but I got a telling off the one time I wasn't in.

1. Change the barrel of your door lock.
2. Text your mum once to say ‘are you coming on x day?’
3. Leave her to respond and if she doesn’t say you assumed she wasn’t coming as she never replied.

They have a key so they can gain access to my home in an emergency. Like we're away and a pipe burst etc.

Like I have a key to their home. For emergency circumstances.

If she would let me know her arrival time we could've gone for lunch or coffee and spent some time together without DC. But every time she comes it gets later and later and there never an indication of what her plans are.

It's hurtful tbh.

But as PP said changing the locks so she doesn't have the option may be an idea. I will also talk to her about it when she finally arrives.

Will be interesting to see what she says. My DP are very much of the view we're family and I can drop in any time whether you have plans or not. And be mortally offended if you put a boundary in place

You say you have to leave at 1, she arrives at 12:45.

What's wrong with that?

Quite right @ididntknowthat11

That should be we need to be at say wedding/Christening/funeral AT 1.

She would arrive at our home at 12:45. Even though we've told her it's a 45 minute drive

We were always super stressed and late so we started using a babysitter. Which is absolutely fine. There's no pressure on DM to help with our children. It was only because she'd insist. She was a bit put out when we started getting someone else in on occasions when we were going somewhere and couldn't take children

I see.

Ok, yes, that's frustrating

I have this. Not to pull rank buy my mother would be visiting from overseas, arriving for christmas, and wouldn't give me a DAY of arrival. It was like she liked the idea of me being in a state of nervous anticipation for as long as possible. And the babysitting late arrival too, so I'd be late whenever I asked, when I lived closer again.

No suggestions. It's maddening though and I have a good idea of how it feels. It is hurtful.

It sounds like is all about your mother wanting control over you and not respecting your space and time.

The good news is that you can control this situation easily as it is your house and she is visiting you. You can't force her to give you a time of arrival. However, what you can tell your Mum is that she can arrive anytime she wants between X and Y o'clock (at a time to suit YOU). You can explain that you have things to do yourself and if she chooses to arrive outside those times, she may find herself waiting a long time. Then stop worrying about her ETA and let it go and go about your business.

If she happens to miss you, she will learn. If she gets upset, you can remind her that you warned her what times you'd be in and she was late!

If you don't want her using your keys, remind her they are for emergencies only and her being late is not an emergency. Warn if she does, you'll change the locks. Her problem if she gets offended about this.

I'm also bemused about why she must stay over once a fortnight. Are you genuinely happy with this arrangement? If so, no problem - but if that is also inconvenient, I'd start changing that arrangement too.

In order of resolving this issue:

1. Start reducing the number of visits by her again. Significantly! She also doesn't need to stay once a fortnight or at all if she lives 30 mins away. She can go home to her place.
2. Get your key back. If she can be all vague about her arrival time, she can begin to deal with the outcome of that, by not being able to get in to your home.
3. Disengage with her responses. She is only getting the response from you because you're engaging with her nonsense. Just start saying "Ok mum. We'll see you when we see you". Then go out (see point 2 above for what will happen if she shows up when you're out). She'll phone you and you'll reply with "You didn't tell me when you were going to get the bus/train/shuttle so we went out."
4. This is your home. Not an extension of hers. Start showing your kids what having good healthy boundaries by setting up some of your own.

Best of luck to you.

@popgoesthewaffle - in relation to this:
"They have a key so they can gain access to my home in an emergency. Like we're away and a pipe burst etc. Like I have a key to their home. For emergency circumstances."

I'd get a key safe that you can leave outside your home and them letting themselves into your home on a visit doesn't constitute an emergency. I'd be setting them straight on that one.

I generally have quite a good relationship with DM and she would do anything for us, but there have been a few issues in the past which do come up in my mind when this keeps happening