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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to move house.

23 replies

ItsMeHi89 · 16/05/2023 11:41

Hi!

First time posting so bare with!!
DH and I are currently at loggerheads. He is desperate to move to a bigger house in the same town, I want to stay where we are. We are due to remortgage at the end of the year.

DH's argument is that while we are relatively young (37 & 33) we should look to buy bigger so that in years to come when the children (currently 2 & 5) move out we can downsize and release some equity to have something to live on alongside a pension. He also says he has fallen out of love with the house.

My argument is that while our home is not perfect it does everything it needs for us now. We have 3 bedrooms, a conservatory, a utility. We also had our kitchen refitted last year which we are still paying off- I would hate to be living elsewhere while still paying that off! DH has just had a payrise and we are now for the first time quite comfortable (not rich by any means!! I just mean we can afford a family holiday once a year and aren't in our overdraft every month now!) I don't want to sacrifice that for a bigger house! I will also inherit my parents house when the pass as they have paid off their mortgage and I am an only child.

Help!

OP posts:

LittleRedYarny · 16/05/2023 12:02

I think you’re being wise OP. I always figured that it’s a bit like agreeing to try for a baby. Both want it, plan is attempted. One party is a no, plan is scrapped.

Original poster

ItsMeHi89 · 16/05/2023 12:12

Thanks for your reply LittleRedYarny. That's exactly how I feel! I also forgot to add that I'm slowly coming off medication for severe MH problems, and feel any stress (ie a house move!) wouldn't help with this!

OP posts:

DarkWashLoadFive · 16/05/2023 12:16

I think you need to consider that your children will grow and imagine your current house with 4 adult sized people in it rather than 2 adults and 2 young children.

Older children also stay up later than a 7pm bedtime so is there somewhere apart from their bedrooms that they could sit and watch tv/have a computer set up for homework etc? What does it all look like 10 years down the line? Will you give up the lounge so they can watch stuff? Where will they plug in a possible gaming console and attach it to a tv?

We downsized to a what would be classed as a starter home to get our eldest into an outstanding primary school, not just Ofsted rated outstanding but considered by everyone who had children there, outstanding. However, the local secondary wasn't that great. Once Ds2 was in the primary we started casting around for secondaries as we knew we wanted a bigger house so Dh could work from home if needed (over a decade ago, way before covid) and we would need to be in catchment for the secondary.

These factors drove a future house move. I think you need to look ahead and work out whether you might want to move. We actually got a bigger house for far less money than we would have if we had bought in the old area, outstanding primary schools really drive house prices up. I would also be talking to your Dh about why he feels like he needs to move and why now. Why not later?

Original poster

ItsMeHi89 · 16/05/2023 12:29

That's really insightful DarkWashLoadFive, thank you. Don't get me wrong a new bigger house sounds lovely and would totally suit us looking further down the line I just don't see the need at this moment in time. We have agreed to get our current house valued soon, as this will help when it comes to remortgaging anyway but I also think this is DH bwing sneaky and trying to work out where we stand financially a bit more!!

OP posts:

LittleRedYarny · 16/05/2023 14:52

@DarkWashLoadFive I personally would be inclined to dump the mental and administrative load of all of this on to DH 100%, you’re dealing with a lot and made your position clear. Protect your mental health.

DarkWashLoadFive · 16/05/2023 16:13

@ItsMeHi89 Firstly, I missed that update about your mental health. That is the biggest priority you have. You cannot be burdened with anything more on your plate right now. I agree with LittleRed although they @ me we know they meant you. Any potential move should be put firmly on his shoulders.

I think you might need to give it a teeny bit of head space though and consider a possible time frame just from the mortgage perspective ie fixing for X number of years and checking you have the ability to port that mortgage etc.

My thinking is that given the ages of your children, revisit it when the youngest is 5 and in school and your eldest would be 8 so year 4. If you do want to move for a secondary then you need to think application dates and being in the house before that time. According to my local secondary the deadline for admission would be 31st October in year 6. We moved when Ds1 was year 3. Usually people start looking in year 4 giving them time to find somewhere. I kept mine in their primary and went from walking to driving them in.

We moved here knowing it was big enough that we wouldn't move again. My children are now 20 and 17 we moved here when they were 4 and 7. But we refused to stretch ourselves financially. We went on Rightmove and put in a 4 bed house, and then reversed the results to get the cheapest ones first. Catchments for secondaries are often much bigger than primaries hopefully giving a lot more scope on location, obviously dependent on where you live.

Nordicrain · 16/05/2023 16:52

I agree with @DarkWashLoadFive re thinking about how your needs will change, in really not a very long time. DD is 9 and already her and her friends could use a space to be on sleepovers etc. We are currently considering an extension for that reason as we can see that in a year or two we will definitely like to have more space. You aren't as far off as you think, and I would rather move up earlier than later as you will have longer to pay it off, more flexibility with mortgage terms etc

LittleRedYarny · 16/05/2023 17:05

@DarkWashLoadFive and @ItsMeHi89 sorry, fat fingers! :)

MMMarmite · 16/05/2023 17:09

I agree with you - I would prioritise a holiday once a year and not being in your overdraft, than a larger house.

GabrielleLegs · 16/05/2023 17:12

You are in danger of sacrificing your current peace of mind and comfort for a retirement that is over 30 years away and for which your parents' house will make great provision. Your current house sounds just perfect for your family now and for the next 5 to 10 years, Your children are still very small and a move will take up a lot of time, energy and money. Also, the housing and mortgage markets right now are a nightmare. I'd stay put if I were you and enjoy your good health, financial security and lovely home. You can move a bit later when your mental health has had good time to settle, the market might have sorted itself out and you don't have two small children and a lovely new kitchen to enjoy.

Deadringer · 16/05/2023 17:18

Buying a bigger house now so that you can downsize in later years doesn't make sense to me. If your house is adequate for your needs (and a 3 bedroom for a family of 4 sounds perfectly adequate) and it means you can afford a decent lifestyle, then that's a win win imo.

Ohpleeeease · 16/05/2023 17:33

I seem to be saying this on every thread today but don’t assume you’ll inherit your parents’ house. Care fees will obliterate any equity they have in it. I speak from bitter experience.

Your mental health is paramount, OP, especially if you’re withdrawing from antidepressants. Off topic but please, please do this very slowly. I would shelve any thoughts of moving till you’re in a more settled headspace.

That said, your DH has a point. Long term he might be right, building equity now will give you a better retirement and more resources to help your own DC.

JulieHoney · 16/05/2023 17:39

Heating a bigger house will cost more. So will council tax and other costs. It's not just the price of the house, it's also the upkeep.

If it siuts your needs and you're in MH recovery, I think it's a daft time to push a house move. Prioritise your MH and enjoy your nerw kitchen.

Frankieisbackfromhollywood · 16/05/2023 17:49

It doesn’t stack up. If the only financial difference is you’re no longer in overdraft each month and can afford a holiday annually and you will not be able to afford a holiday and back in overdraft, as per what you wrote if you move . then you cannot afford a bigger house.

being able to get through the month without going into overdraft and only having a little extra so you can save and have a holiday is not comfortable by any manner of means,

have you both got all excited about the pay rise. Because that’s not comfortable and you can’t afford to move. If you’re borrowing for your kitchen, going into over draft then it sounds like you’ve no savings and already live beyond your means, then you can’t afford to move, the question is pointless.

Original poster

ItsMeHi89 · 16/05/2023 19:04

Thank you for this @Frankieisbackfromhollywood . You are most definitely right it's just getting DH to see it like that!
Thank you to all for mentioning my MH being paramount, I will try to get this over to him aswell. @Ohpleeeease not an anti depressant withdrawal, still very much on them but thank you.

OP posts:

caringcarer · 16/05/2023 19:31

I want to downsize but DH won't hear of it. We have 6 bedrooms 3 bathrooms and downstairs cloakroom and when my adult sons lived at home it was great but now just me, DH and our foster son so we are only using 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. It's madness as the whole house still needs cleaning and heating is expensive. I want to downsize to a 3 bedroom so we'd still have a guest room. We could sell and release some equity too as no mortgage.

YukoandHiro · 16/05/2023 19:32

How will you pay the stamp duty? That's the question to ask him

Original poster

ItsMeHi89 · 16/05/2023 19:56

That's totally understandable @caringcarer ! I would want to do the same.

@YukoandHiro im not sure how it works do you have to have the physical money to pay for it or can it be added on to the mortgage for example! I have no clue regarding these matters 🙈

OP posts:

caringcarer · 16/05/2023 20:11

ItsMeHi89 · 16/05/2023 19:56

That's totally understandable @caringcarer ! I would want to do the same.

@YukoandHiro im not sure how it works do you have to have the physical money to pay for it or can it be added on to the mortgage for example! I have no clue regarding these matters 🙈

My dh is very stubborn and we have argued about it several times. I honestly believe he won't move because he'd have to sort through his shed and garage and he can't be bothered to do it. He says we might have several visitors at once but this has never happened in the past. He also says he likes the big garden. FS has a huge cricket net running from one end to the other. It's just so annoying.

caringcarer · 16/05/2023 20:13

Stamp duty has to be paid to your solicitor who pays it across for you at the time you buy the house. Usually about 3 days before completion.

Treesoutsidemywindow · 16/05/2023 20:46

I think it can be as broad as it is long OP. If you move up the ladder now, yes you'll be able, in theory, to sell up and release capital to live on when you get older. On the other hand, you could stay where you are, and if you have spare funds which would otherwise be going on a bigger mortgage, why not pay off the mortgage you have more quickly. That way by the time your kids leave school/uni, your mortgage could be paid off, and any money you earn each month could then be spent on whatever you like. If we'd stayed in our first home, for which we had a mortgage of £7,000, we could have paid it off much, much quicker, and saved an absolute fortune on moving fees, Stamp Duty, etc.

Ohpleeeease · 16/05/2023 20:58

@caringcarer take heart, it can be done. We’re the other side of downsizing on a similar scale to yours and it is so freeing. DH also needed a bit of persuasion, he was a project all by himself, but we did it.

caringcarer · 16/05/2023 22:46

Ohpleeeease · 16/05/2023 20:58

I have given him lots of good reasons to downsize but he keeps making excuses not to. My 2 adult sons have both offered to come for a weekend and help him sort through the shed and garage but he is a bit of a hoarder and does not want to get rid of any of his tools despite hardly using them. No reason he could not have a shed in a new house. I keep looking on RM and I've shown him several that would be suitable. He just finds faults with them all.

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