Moral dilemma

[TooColdForSchool]

DS is 8 and he’s had a massive meltdown this morning. He has additional needs and is waiting for an assessment for ASD, so not completely unusual, but I’m usually better at getting ahead of them. This morning I have no idea what triggered it, but it was a full on kicking the walls, screaming, crying, hour long melt down. I managed to get him ready for school, but while I was getting dressed, he’s switched his trousers for shorts. He’s also refused to put on a jumper because it was itching his ears (SPD). As we were walking out to the car, ten minutes late, he suddenly decides he’s too cold and wants trousers and a jumper. I explain it’s too late and we have to go or both be late. Got to school and he’s left his coat at home as well. At the time I just thought it’s the natural consequences of his behaviour, but now I’m feeling guilty and wondering if I should drive over and drop off at least a coat so he’s not freezing?

YABU- drop him off a coat, it’s cold and he wasn’t thinking straight when he refused them
YANBU- it’s one day and he should learn to deal with his own decisions

I’d drop a coat off.

Does he need an alternative jumper? More sweatshirt fabric? It sounds like he’s being set up to fail from the start with a jumper he can’t manage. I would definitely drop a coat off.
Treat the meltdown as a separate thing. While waiting for a possible diagnosis there are some really helpful websites you might want to look at.

It’s 20 degrees here today.

Are you at home?

If it’s cold where you are and you’re free to take it then take his coat. He’s 8. He had an upsetting morning and forgetting his coat isn’t just on him.

I’d leave a coat over. He was in a heightened state of mind when he was having the meltdown and unable to think clearly.

Depends where you live I suppose. It's a 'fresh' day here, beautiful blue skies & sunshine, but a definite nip in the air, but not so cold you're 'frozen' in shorts & t shirt. I'm outside in shorts & t shirt now.

but in other parts of the country it's probably far colder.

I'm not sure with his probable diagnosis, he'll 'learn'anything from this, so if I really thought he'd be cold I'd take his trousers, jumper & coat over to reception & ask them to get them to him.

unfortunately you can't 'get ahead' of all meltdowns and the teenage years are very difficult.

it's not a moral dilemma though. No morals involved.

take care of yourself as well ☕️

It’s sunny and about 15 degrees here, so he won’t actually freeze, but i don’t think its warm enough for shorts and a tshirt. I’m at home, but working from home so would have to leave work for 30 minutes to go and drop it off.

@CindersAgain its the same school jumpers he’s always had, and he’s in year three now. They’re bought through the school shop and the one he rejected today he’s worn loads (bought in September and worn through winter). He’s never had an issue with them before

I voted YABU not because I think he needs his coat, but to stop you stressing and worrying about it all day which will probably take up more than 30 minutes 💐

I'd drop him a coat or jumper too.

If he was say 10/11, I'd be of the opinion that it's tough shit but he's still small and will be cold playing out with his friends at dinner/break.

Could you call the school and ask them if they can give him a new jumper and you'll pay for it later? This is probably what I'd do if I was at work. Can never have enough jumpers/cardigans in my house, she treats them like disposable commodities, drives me insane! (See also socks.)

Another time, we are having success with telling them that they don’t need to wear it but it’s going in their schoolbag.

You can buy jumpers at your school? That’s cool. Might be unusual though.

Drop him a coat off, he’s 8 he’s young to be regulating his emotions even if he didn’t have additional needs. We all make mistakes and bad choices, but he’s a kid so just drop the coat off and help the rest of his day be a little less hard.

They probably have spare clothes at school. I often had children come without a coat (parents driving door to door didn't think of it) and I would lend them one.

It's tough being the parent of a child with additional needs in a world not designed for them. I have children with similar issues. To me I find the whole rigidity with school unhelpful like trying to fit a round peg in a square hole and actually for us if it takes longer to get them to school calm and regulated, it takes longer. The school need to adapt a bit and accept that my child late is better than my child in a dysregulated mess or my child missing the whole day. I am lucky I have a flexible job and can accommodate this. My children wouldn't have accepted the need for weather appropriate clothing until they experienced the weather, they can't understand it until the experience it, so I would take a coat. And I would take the pressure off yourself and him in the mornings.

@IndigoSkye exactly this!

I’ve messaged his teacher and asked if I need to take something in. They have a school uniform exchange so I’m hoping he can grab a jumper from there if he needs one, but I’ll go in if she says he needs more

He has SEN so he’s not misbehaving or needing to learn something. I’d drop off his coat and accept that what is undesirable behaviour that results in consequences in neurotypical children isn’t true for those who are acting as a result of their neurodiversity (although it’s not an all round exemption from misbehaving). You shouldn’t punish someone for something outside of their control and is as a result of their disability.

^not that I think you are punishing but I found everything far easier when I changed my mindset completely from “child is not behaving how I want them to” to “child cannot manage this and needs support/intervention/help.”

Thanks for the advice. Spoke to teacher who said he’s fine and they’ve got spare stuff in the classroom just in case so he can use that if he needs it

I thought they would. It happens all the time.