Narcissistic mother interfering with my inlaws

[chicosmommy]

Looking for thoughts on this please.
I've a narcissistic mother and enabling father, both of whom I'm estranged from for 4+ years now.

Hubby and me are from the same town, but we don't live there anymore. There was a summer fête on my inlaw's road at the weekend. Street closed off, everyone brings cakes, drinks, bbq etc.

In the middle of last week, my mother in law bumped into my mother on the street. This is a rare occurrence but apparently she told my mother about the fête and said "if you're in the area on Saturday, drop by", thinking she was just being polite in saying that.

When I heard this, I immediately knew that my parents WOULD drop by, so DH and me avoided the fête, even though we would loved to have gone and usually go up to stay with my inlaws (his parents) for the occasion.

It transpires that my parents DID turn up on Saturday. My mother came up to my MIL and started crying, proper tears, about how awful I am as a daughter, about how she can't see the grandkids, about how my husband is horrid and other terrible things. She then proceeded to tell my MIL how she has extended the sitting room and my father is banned from entering this new room, unless he knocks 3 times. MIL was horrified by all of this and phoned my husband that night and told him.

AIBU to think this is classic narc behaviour by my mother. Part of me is very disappointed in knowing my MIL asked them along, knowing I'm estranged and knowing it would mean I couldn't attend the fête. On the plus side, it showed my mother up as being unreasonable, although my MIL did say that she "felt sorry" for her.

I'm just in turmoil after it all and can't understand my mother's motives for turning up to the fête and then bashing me to my inlaws and my hubby to his own mother. Thanks

Your mother has made a complete arse of herself and your MIL saying she feels sorry for her isn't a sign of allegiance. Sounds like NC was a good decision and it's nice to be vindicated.

Also have a narc mum and enabler dad. This is exactly why I have been put off marriage. No advice, sorry. You have my sympathies. Wish these people would realise how their ridiculousness impacts others.

Your mother turned up because she expected you to be there. It would have been more of a scene with her crying over you about what a dreadful daughter you are. She wanted attention, but you weren’t there to give her it. You spoiled her plan, so she had to dig at you the best way she could.

Yes, I think she did expect me to be there. And probably make a big fuss crying (or berating me) in public.

You poor thing. Your mother chose to demonise you instead of respecting you. This Fete gave her the opportunity to smear you.

I think your MIL will live to regret showing your mum some empathy. I predict your mum rings her up again or gets in touch with her again. Sometimes you can feel sorry for somebody until you've had a belly full of them.

Thanks, yes, I just found it all so unnecessary and upsetting.

Your mother sounds like she has some issues? Knocking at the door 3 times is not normal behaviour.

Yup. It is the control over my father that she exerts.

Well your MIL won't do that again, will she?

What did you and your DH say to get when she told you that she'd basically invited your mum to the fete?

I would continue to be 'estranged' from your mother in whatever form that has taken.

I would sit your MIL down and explain that this is the situation (with as much or as little detail as you are comfortable with). Tell her that you won't be in the same space as your mother and by inviting her she ensured that you/dh/grandkids? did not attend and that would always be the situation- be clear that if she invited her and didn't tell you - you'd leave as soon as you saw her.

I'd also be clear about what info you'd be happy for her to pass on (pics etc?) To your mother and the consequences if overstepping that (no pics shared?) As its likely your mother thinks she had a new best friend / info source annoyingly.

Your mother is not going to simply 'go away' because you asked her nicely. Narcs don't work like that - she needs her supply!

It's such a shame that your MiL fell into the trap of being a flying monkey for your mother.

I agree with @LittleOwl153 about sharing some of the things you have had to deal with and your DH has had to deal with in relation to your mother but share them with your MiL. Let her know that you both have your reasons for keeping your mother at arms length and you would recommend that she does too though whether she does is entirely her choice.

I would emphasise with your MiL that you have your reasons why you're keeping your mother at arms length and while she is free to do what she wants, she must respect your choices and decisions in this matter.

Thanks, my DH explained some stuff to his mother, more detail regarding the estrangement than he has previously. A bit of an eye opener for my MIL tbh. But I agree with you all, my mother will think now she can visit there and will.

Another thing she asked my MIL - are me and DH still together?! My MIL said "yes, very happily married" to which my mother expressed disappointment that we are still together and basically said in not so many words that she's surprised that my DH can "put up with me". Wtffff. I just can't understand why a mother would want to be so awful about their own flesh and blood.

Exactly what my mother would have done. Because it got her attention . Narcs don’t seem worried about the quality of attention ( my mother upset people by saying vile things about me) It was just NOTICE ME!!

You've done the right thing going nc. Hopefully your mil won’t fall into the trap again.

she's surprised that my DH can "put up with me". Wtffff. I just can't understand why a mother would want to be so awful about their own flesh and blood.

OMG these are the exact words my mother said to my DH. They really are a different species aren’t they? Impossible to understand using our experience of normal people monitors.
Unfortunately she may latch on to mil just to spout her venom. So sorry you have this. My parents caused years of misery.

Thanks for the messages everyone. So many other people in the same boat - it is so sad to see.

M turned up expecting to harass you, MIL is glossing over her part in inviting her and focusing on your batshit mother.
Please wait a week or so and then have a calm conversation with MIL and tell her that M is ALWAYS like this and this is why you cannot see her, and that if she invites her other places you will not be able to attend or have such a close relationship with them as your have to protect your MH.

I know your mother in law was just being kind but I hope she's learnt not to invite your parents to things again!!