No one telling off their kids at play date

[Eventhismorningisweirdatthemo]

Just wanting others opinions as to whether I’m being a bit uptight.
Went on a play date/meet up at a playground with Dd, 4 and a few of her pals, all the same age, mix of boys & girls.
I’m friends with the parents and we all
get on well.
It was one of those days when most of them were playing up a bit, tired and moaning and falling out. Dd is the same at times and they all had their moments, as 4 year olds do 😅
Dd joined with another girl by saying one of the other boys couldn’t play etc and I talked with her and tried to encourage her to play with him and so on, basically if she was doing anything *Wrong (not really the right word 🤷🏻‍♀️) I addressed it. Later on they were all sat around and a couple of them started to be mean, drawing on Dds pictures on her arm, taking her favourite toy, Dd did get upset and started to cry. The parents either didn’t notice (I don’t see how not as they were on the table next to us) or just totally ignored them doing it and dd crying.
Aibu or uptight in expecting them to step in? What would you have done, as the parent of them and being me?
DD’s now saying she doesn’t want to meet up with them again (which is hard as their parents are my friends) but I obviously don don’t want her to be upset.
One of the dads was saying how at school they’re left to it, to sort out issues themselves…🤷🏻‍♀️

@Haileyy are you being deliberately obtuse? OP meant that using the word "wrong" in relation to small children is not always the right word, because they are still developing emotionally / learning impulse control etc and are not always fully aware of how their actions might cause others to feel. She did not mean that it was ok for her DD to gang up to exclude another child and, as a result, she took her child to one side and tried to encourage her to play with the boy etc.

Does that help? 🙄

I heard 'PPP' (piss poor parenting) used recently in reference to the rise in delinquent children. I think we need to call it out when see it but it's hard, still a taboo.

As parents I think we all live and learn, this sounds like it was hard work & you've come away feeling angry at yourself that you wonder if you should have done anything differently and disappointed in your friends not stepping up, and also sorry for your child to be made to feel like that by other children.

Definitely good to reflect on the situation but don't dwell too long, you sound like a lovely mum who is doing a great job to raise her daughter well.

@GingerCoi Thank you! Exactly

@WestOfWestminster Thank you, I felt guilty and that I should have stepped in more, but no one was doing anything and h was just waiting…and then had to

When you say "one of the dads" - was it mostly the dads that weren't parenting? They might have seen you, a woman, as the default mother. Your friends may be more sexist than you thought.

Everyone was drinking, so perhaps weren’t on the ball as much
I was thinking to tell my Dd to actually tell them to stop when they do it and to stand up to them? Would you teach that at this age?

*I was just waiting

My DC called out a mum at our house once, came into kitchen (kids were in bedroom) & announced,

X you are lovely and my mum likes you but your DC is not welcome here anymore

🤣

we met in parks afterwards but then her DC actually tried to strangle mine

last meet up with them ever

and last time I tried to stay friends with an otherwise lovely person whose parenting lacked the word “No”

@Agapornis There was only one dad there, but he seemed to be saying it was good to sometimes let them figure these things out between themselves. He was saying to his wife to not always wade in and try to fix things..maybe that’s why she stopped 🤷🏻‍♀️

If someone is doing some pretty poor behaviour, then I'd tell them to stop, whether the parent was there or not. The issue here is the different levels of tolerance of different behaviours really.

From what I've inferred, the other issue is that his whole occasion involved too many people and went on too long.
You said It was one of those days when most of them were playing up a bit, tired and moaning and falling out.

So what I would have done was stood up, said "It's been lovely" or something positive and breezy, and ended the time being spent altogether. Not just carried on in a situation that was never going to end well.

Step in every time. I don’t care if kids are mine or not, meanness or unkindness I’ll say something. Mostly you don’t need to in a ‘telling off’ way, but in a joining in and guiding way.

Lots of parents are lazy or have no idea how to manage behaviour in their kids to be honest!

There was only one dad there, but he seemed to be saying it was good to sometimes let them figure these things out between themselves. this is BS

Apologies that was for @haileyy (who is likely a troll anyway). I tagged the incorrect person.

@SpringCherryPie What, he’s talking bs?

Yes I was saying that lightheartedly - but as a bit of a seasoned parent I do call BS to the ‘let them sort it out by themselves’ comments. It’s just lazy parenting trying to look as if there is a strategy. Kids generally, unless they have amazingly lovely natures, are not born socialised. They need help to socialise which does mean intervening - it doesn’t need to be heavy handed and doesn’t need to be pounced on straight away. But ‘let them sort it out’ is usually ‘can’t be bothered’!

A bit of an aside, but now as a mother of teen and adult DDs, I regret always telling them to include people in play when they didn't want to. It eroded their ability to draw clear boundaries and say, "no thank you." Especially because I had girls, I regret trying to force them to be "nice" to the boys who kept demanding they play with them.

I also agree with @Delphinium20 - calling out aggressive, bullying or meanness is good. But ‘managing’ their friendships and telling them to include others isn’t something that we as parents should be always be doing, healthy boundaries are good.

I would have told them off myself.

Absolutely tell your dd to tell them to stop drawing on her or any other behaviour she doesnt like. Not too young to teach that. I would also supervise and say " dont draw on dd" or whatever the issue is as back up for her. If they didnt listen i would tell friend to deal with their own kid.

You are perfectly within your rights to defend your DC and tell off the badly behaved kids.
A firm 'excuse me! No more pushing please!' or whatever to the general group gets the message across without singling out one child. You don't have to teach your DD to put up with shitty behaviour and I would certainly encourage her to speak up in her own defence.
I have 2 DC and I've been on a million play dates. You need to be aware when it's time to intervene or to go home, if they're tired or not behaving.