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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would date someone with a close friend in jail?

26 replies

finderskeepers7 · 15/05/2023 20:14

Asking on behalf of my cousin who's asked for my advice. She's started dating someone new and has recently discovered he has a friend in prison (the crime is unknown) who calls him regularly. She's taken this as a massive red flag as she believes 'you are the company you keep'

I've said you can't really judge someone based on what their friend has done. So, would you date someone who had a close friend in prison?

OP posts:
Freepo · 15/05/2023 20:16

Totally depends on what that person had done, and if they were remorseful

TheGuv1982 · 15/05/2023 20:16

Depends on what they did, and my potential partners view on it.

Not everyone in prison is bad.

Chowtime · 15/05/2023 20:17

Yes I would.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 15/05/2023 20:17

Yes. They may go back a long time, you don’t know what the crime is, friends and family are really important to rehabilitation…lots of reasons why I wouldn’t see it as a negative and would probably see it as a mark of loyalty.

It probably would matter what the offence was. Child offences - this would definitely change things. I’d want to know if the staying in touch was through denial or thinking the offences aren’t really that bad (!) at which point, nope, he’s out of there. But if it was with an eye to assisting with rehabilitation, that’s a different matter I think.

One of BIL’s best friends spent time in prison. Doesn’t affect my perception of BIL; I don’t know the friend.

rainraingoawaay · 15/05/2023 20:18

100% no if it was for a violent / drug related / sexual crime, especially if the person dating was keeping contact via phone calls etc.

Slightly unsure on other crimes - probably anything else would be taken depending on the actual crime, the ones above are a hard no.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 15/05/2023 20:18

My boss spent time in prison. She was an animal rights activist decades ago. I don’t agree with the tactics she used (never hurt anyone but did a lot of property damage), she has a very strong moral framework.

Dotcheck · 15/05/2023 20:19

Drug dealer, no.

Traffic conviction, yes

Thelnebriati · 15/05/2023 20:19

I would Google 'his name sentenced', the fact he is keeping his crime a secret is so many red flags its a parade.

Original poster
finderskeepers7 · 15/05/2023 20:20

She's not 100% sure but thinks the crime is drug related

OP posts:
MakesMeFeelSad · 15/05/2023 20:20

Depends what it was for

purpleme12 · 15/05/2023 20:21

Yes.
Because I can't judge that person in someone else!

whiteroseredrose · 15/05/2023 20:21

finderskeepers7 · 15/05/2023 20:20

She's not 100% sure but thinks the crime is drug related

In these circumstances no.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/05/2023 20:22

Nope. I wouldn’t want to be with someone associated with drug addicts.

CadburyDream · 15/05/2023 20:27

Yes I would and have

girlfriend44 · 15/05/2023 20:28

No thanks.

EmmaEmerald · 15/05/2023 20:28

Drug related doesn't tell you much though

is it for a George Michael type incident or did he kneecap a fellow dealer? Details are a big deal here.

Loria · 15/05/2023 20:31

Agree with EmmaEmerald. If it's some kind of gang thing I'd be wary that my new chum was also part of the gang.

Your cousin needs to ask a few questions to find out if it's something that either could involve her date or that indicates her date has poor judgement (eg if it's something involving children).

Catlord · 15/05/2023 20:32

Impossible to say without knowing what the crime was, their relationship beforehand and how the date sees the situation. It would probably come down to his involvement in (if any) and attitude towards drugs in this case.

Atishoos · 15/05/2023 20:32

It seems that prison sentences these days are reserved for more serious crimes. The rest seem to get suspended sentences or fines or other non custodial penalties such as community service. For that reason the crime appears to have been on the serious end of the scale.

I'd be very wary. How did she find out, if it wasn't through the prospective date?

GoodChat · 15/05/2023 20:32

It completely depends on the crime/circumstances.

wildfirewonder · 15/05/2023 20:35

Depends.

It is very easy to find out the crime/sentence if you have the name.

daretodenim · 15/05/2023 20:53

If it was related to dealing then absolutely not. "You are the company you keep" applies very well to dealers. There are very few people close to dealers who have genuinely no idea they're dealers/involved with drugs in some way or are not involved themselves in some way (even if it's just turning a blind eye).

Ponderingwindow · 15/05/2023 21:02

I would want to know more. Just because he was friends with the person does not mean he condoned the actions.

recidivism is greatly reduced when people are able to maintain contacts with friends and family. In particular it helps to be able to have contact with the people who were not part of the life that led to incarceration.

if the man she is dating was never involved in whatever led to the arrest and is maintaining strong boundaries, he could just be a good person keeping touch with a friend who is trying to do better. We just don’t know.

HappiDaze · 15/05/2023 21:09

No I wouldn't

Outofthepark · 15/05/2023 21:14

finderskeepers7 · 15/05/2023 20:14

Asking on behalf of my cousin who's asked for my advice. She's started dating someone new and has recently discovered he has a friend in prison (the crime is unknown) who calls him regularly. She's taken this as a massive red flag as she believes 'you are the company you keep'

I've said you can't really judge someone based on what their friend has done. So, would you date someone who had a close friend in prison?

It's a pointless question if you don't know what the friend has done! Shoplifting because you're panicking about making rent or eating is not exactly the same as being a paedophile, is it?!