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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be fed up of being accused of lack of loyalty?

17 replies

SpringTime2020 · 15/05/2023 00:52

Some years ago my partner's nephew and his girlfriend became parents at a young age. We have always given them a lot of support and I'm very close to both of them and their child. Especially as neither have parents.

More recently they are now separated and the child was living with his mum, but unfortunately a combination of the child having additional needs, a bereavement and it all harming her mental health, my great nephew was put into foster care. His mum has just got into a homeless shelter that will provide help with her mental health and lead to secure housing, but currently she is not in a position to have him back.

Therefore dad wants him to live with him. Without going into loads of detail children's services had some concerns if dad could cope with his son, but have started a transition plan, involving me giving support. I have been very happy to do this.

But, my partner's nephew is so insecure. And one of the things he latches on to is that I care more about his ex-girlfriend than him, he tells her that I'm his family. Today he told me he's distancing himself from me because he doesn't know where my loyalty lies. I'm honestly so fed up with all this. I'm so tempted to tell him to just go ahead and go fuck himself at the same time! But then I think of the little boy who I adore. Any idea how I could deal with this? TIA

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 15/05/2023 00:56

Back away, his father doesn't sound like he can cope with the child either, even with support. And that will mess the child up even more.

Coyoacan · 15/05/2023 01:00

Pixiedust1234 · 15/05/2023 00:56

Back away, his father doesn't sound like he can cope with the child either, even with support. And that will mess the child up even more.

Nail on head. I'm sorry, OP, but the best thing for the little is to stay in foster care

Original poster
SpringTime2020 · 15/05/2023 01:20

Thank you for the honest opinions. Not sure exactly what will happen as the transition is almost complete, but I just feel I'm being taken for granted by him. How dare he try to dictate who I can show support to? And this is the mother of his child after all!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/05/2023 01:25

he tells her that I'm his family

Once there's a child, everyone is family. And the child needs everyone to work in the best interests, not their worst emotionally incontinent ways.

However, he's doubtless very insecure from his childhood so there's that.

Original poster
SpringTime2020 · 15/05/2023 01:30

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/05/2023 01:25

he tells her that I'm his family

Once there's a child, everyone is family. And the child needs everyone to work in the best interests, not their worst emotionally incontinent ways.

However, he's doubtless very insecure from his childhood so there's that.

That's how I see it.

And yes, he had an awful childhood, in and out of care and his mum sadly took her own life.

OP posts:
ChellyT · 15/05/2023 01:38

While I don't know ages of everyone involved or financial circumstances... is there anyway that you can support/care for great nephew? Attempt to break a cycle of hurt and misfortune. I feel for you OP such hard and heartbreaking decisions for all.

Original poster
SpringTime2020 · 15/05/2023 12:23

ChellyT · 15/05/2023 01:38

While I don't know ages of everyone involved or financial circumstances... is there anyway that you can support/care for great nephew? Attempt to break a cycle of hurt and misfortune. I feel for you OP such hard and heartbreaking decisions for all.

I would care for my great nephew in a heart beat. But I only have a small house and I'm a single mum to 2 DC with additional needs themselves. So realistically I'm not able to do that. But I've supported loads and looked after DGN so his dad can do things he needs to do. He's pushing me away but he has no one else to help him.

OP posts:
OhBling · 15/05/2023 12:28

As social services are involved and there's a transition plan, I would speak to the social worker. It sounds like your nephew is part of the problem here and perhaps needs additional support as he's not behaving or thinking in a way that is entirely rational or that is focused not he wellbeing of his child.

In the meantime, I'd continue to just repeat the same things over and over, "I am 100% here for you and for DGN, and that includes helping his mother as it is in his best interests to have both his parents healthy and well and in his life."

Also, where is your partner in all this?

Original poster
SpringTime2020 · 15/05/2023 17:08

OhBling · 15/05/2023 12:28

As social services are involved and there's a transition plan, I would speak to the social worker. It sounds like your nephew is part of the problem here and perhaps needs additional support as he's not behaving or thinking in a way that is entirely rational or that is focused not he wellbeing of his child.

In the meantime, I'd continue to just repeat the same things over and over, "I am 100% here for you and for DGN, and that includes helping his mother as it is in his best interests to have both his parents healthy and well and in his life."

Also, where is your partner in all this?

Thank you and yes, I agree. and yes, that's how I feel. Most of the time he's pleased with me supporting his DS's mum and then he just switches.

My partner has been unwell so not been much a part of the support. Providing the kind of support necessary isn't really his strength either and he has no DC of his own so not used to toddlers.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpringTime2020 · 15/05/2023 18:49

There's obviously a lot of hurt from his childhood but I can only do so much.

I do wonder if it might be better for DGN to go into long term foster care and for his mum to go for custody once she's sorted herself out. His dad has matured and worked on himself a lot over the last year or so but it seems he still has a way to go.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/05/2023 20:29

You can't cure his trauma for him. All you can do is stick to your boundaries with empathy and compassion.

Original poster
SpringTime2020 · 15/05/2023 20:39

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/05/2023 20:29

You can't cure his trauma for him. All you can do is stick to your boundaries with empathy and compassion.

Thank you for that. I'm the type of person that wants to take everyone else's pain away. And I have to accept I can't. Unfortunately this situation is taking a toll on my own mental health which was why I posted here. I knew I needed to do things differently. I need stronger boundaries but I will always try to show compassion and empathy. They all really mean a lot to me. I just hope if Children's services decide dad isn't in the right position to have DGN that they don't go down the adoption route. The little boy really has a very strong bond with his mum and dad (and me too.)

OP posts:
ChellyT · 16/05/2023 02:04

SpringTime2020 · 15/05/2023 12:23

I would care for my great nephew in a heart beat. But I only have a small house and I'm a single mum to 2 DC with additional needs themselves. So realistically I'm not able to do that. But I've supported loads and looked after DGN so his dad can do things he needs to do. He's pushing me away but he has no one else to help him.

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My heart feels for you all and I can't imagine your anguish. Maybe you need to step back and just be there should they need you. I hope it all works out for the better.

FakeyMcFakeFace · 16/05/2023 03:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
SpringTime2020 · 16/05/2023 08:58

ChellyT · 16/05/2023 02:04

My heart feels for you all and I can't imagine your anguish. Maybe you need to step back and just be there should they need you. I hope it all works out for the better.

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Thank you so much, your kindness means a lot. I do feel I need to step back now as sadly I'm turning into my nephew's emotional punching bag. I think it needs to be sink or swim for him. I just read back my first posts and I could see how angry I was. I'm not normally an angry person. I know DGN's dad is doing his best. It'll be for children's services to decide if it is good enough.

OP posts:
ChellyT · 17/05/2023 03:54

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/05/2023 20:29

You can't cure his trauma for him. All you can do is stick to your boundaries with empathy and compassion.

This, absolutely this! Beautifully put

Original poster
SpringTime2020 · 17/05/2023 08:51

ChellyT · 17/05/2023 03:54

This, absolutely this! Beautifully put

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Yes, it makes a lot of sense.

OP posts:
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