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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still care about Husband potentially being on the streets?

26 replies

Omelette1 · 14/05/2023 20:39

I've recently been lucky enough to secure a council house due to domestic abuse. The property should be ready for me to move in to in June.

Many people may think "who cares" but I'm concerned whether my Husband will end up on the streets. We privately rent, but the landlord has recently informed us he wants to increase the rent substantially, and if we dont agree he will issue us with a section 21 as he will be forced to sell the house. We cannot afford this increase in rent.

Obviously when I leave in June, my Husband will be worse off financially and unable to afford the increase. We do have a joint application open for council housing. (I made a separate individual application for the house I have been given, due to it being domestic abuse) he will have to issue a change of circumstances to the register so that the application is in his name only.

However reading the housing register criteria, there is a part that says anti social behaviour (including domestic violence) can be a cause for an individual to be removed from the register.

He has a progressive medical condition (won't say what as it is outing) that affects his mental health and is on full disability benefits due to this.

So in summary- if he can't afford a rent increase, is issued a section 21 and stays until he is removed by court order - therefore any new private landlord won't touch him - (they also may not want to take him on due to being on full disability benefits) - and the council exclude him from their housing register due to his "anti social" behaviour of being emotionally abusive to me, will he be out on the streets?! He has no family he can stay with.

Surely that's not the case. Is he still owed a duty of care under the homelessness act, particularly as he receives High rate care and mobility PIP and limited capacity for work related activity (he can't work due to his health condition.)

I know I shouldn't care so much but I do, he is the father of my children and still a vulnerable adult despite his behaviour.

OP posts:
CaroleSinger · 14/05/2023 20:46

I'm confused. If you were given a property because of domestic abuse why was he meant to be morning in with you?

Heronwatcher · 14/05/2023 20:51

Is he the abuser? And you have kids?

If so yes YABU, focus on yourself and your kids and getting them into a safe and abuse free home. Mental health issues, disability, whatever, he doesn’t get to wreck their lives.

Original poster
Omelette1 · 14/05/2023 20:52

CaroleSinger · 14/05/2023 20:46

I'm confused. If you were given a property because of domestic abuse why was he meant to be morning in with you?

Sorry for confusion. He's not going to be moving in with me, I'm going to be leaving in June so he would then be a sole tenant of our current house

However, the landlord has just said to us he needs to raise the rent and if we can't pay it then he needs to sell the house. My Husband won't be able to afford the increase and therefore will soon be issued with a section 21.

OP posts:
HarrietJet · 14/05/2023 20:54

How is this man classed as a vulnerable adult?

Sapphire387 · 14/05/2023 20:54

Will your husband not be able to claim for help with the rent via housing benefit or universal credit? At least for a smaller (privately rented) place, if not your current home?

Original poster
Omelette1 · 14/05/2023 20:56

HarrietJet · 14/05/2023 20:54

How is this man classed as a vulnerable adult?

He has a permanent progressive disability.

We do claim UC and he is also in receipt of PIP

OP posts:
User19844666884 · 14/05/2023 20:57

No of course you’re not being unreasonable to care. He has a mental health condition and disabilities, but you are absolutely right to prioritise yourself and get out of the situation.

A friend had a similar/different situation. Husband with pipolar disorder who wouldn’t take his meds. She left because the situation was bad for her, but she still worried for him.

It sounds very difficult for you. I hope someone has some helpful advice about housing.

Xiaoxiong · 14/05/2023 20:58

I guess he will be made homeless and the council will put him in a smaller property or a hostel of some kind until a suitable property comes up. He will have a priority need if he is disabled and vulnerable - if the council is not already aware of this he will have to let them know. There are some good templates on the Shelter website.

From this link it doesn't look like domestic abuse within the home is the kind of anti social behaviour that would cause the council to evict/remove from the housing list: https://england.shelter.org.uk/housingadvice/eviction/councillandhousinggassociationtenantssevictionforrantisocial_behaviour

Original poster
Omelette1 · 14/05/2023 20:58

Sapphire387 · 14/05/2023 20:54

Will your husband not be able to claim for help with the rent via housing benefit or universal credit? At least for a smaller (privately rented) place, if not your current home?

Possibly but with the private rental market being so competitive, I think he will be very hard pushed to find a landlord that would accept him on full disability benefits and a potential history of being court ordered to leave from a section 21 notice

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 14/05/2023 21:00

I have seen instances of older single men being offered tiny flats in less desirable areas. He may get housing quickly.
You and your kids need a peaceful homelike.

Original poster
Omelette1 · 14/05/2023 21:02

Xiaoxiong · 14/05/2023 20:58

I guess he will be made homeless and the council will put him in a smaller property or a hostel of some kind until a suitable property comes up. He will have a priority need if he is disabled and vulnerable - if the council is not already aware of this he will have to let them know. There are some good templates on the Shelter website.

From this link it doesn't look like domestic abuse within the home is the kind of anti social behaviour that would cause the council to evict/remove from the housing list: https://england.shelter.org.uk/housingadvice/eviction/councillandhousinggassociationtenantssevictionforrantisocial_behaviour

Thankyou, that link was very helpful and reassuring - it does say the council still have a duty of care if someone is heading for homelessness

OP posts:
5128gap · 14/05/2023 21:05

Is your husband's medical condition the cause of his abusive behaviour, something like brain injury? If so, it may not be seen as straightforward ASB. I would recommend he contacts Shelter for advice.

Ponderingwindow · 14/05/2023 21:07

You are still allowed to care and even love your husband, even if you know you can’t live with him and must protect yourself and the children.

This is the kind of situation where you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. You need to make sure that you take care of yourself and the children, that you are properly housed, that you are financially stable, and that your emotional resources are as balanced as possible. If after that you still have the mental energy to help advocate for your husband, there is nothing wrong with doing so.

You just have to remember that ultimately, he is responsible for himself and that if he were fully healthy, his priority would likely be your joint children.

Original poster
Omelette1 · 14/05/2023 21:14

5128gap · 14/05/2023 21:05

Is your husband's medical condition the cause of his abusive behaviour, something like brain injury? If so, it may not be seen as straightforward ASB. I would recommend he contacts Shelter for advice.

In a way it is. It isn't a brain injury, but his disability has resulted in him becoming depressed due to a worsening quality of life. I can't 100% excuse his behaviour, as there are people with the same condition he has that don't become emotionally abusive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Omelette1 · 14/05/2023 21:16

Thankyou for the kind words saying it's still OK to care. It helps hearing about other people in similar scenarios. It's an awful circumstance to be in. My priority is absolutely me and the children, we will definitely be leaving. It just helps my conscience that he won't be completely destitute!

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 14/05/2023 21:17

Ponderingwindow · 14/05/2023 21:07

You are still allowed to care and even love your husband, even if you know you can’t live with him and must protect yourself and the children.

This is the kind of situation where you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. You need to make sure that you take care of yourself and the children, that you are properly housed, that you are financially stable, and that your emotional resources are as balanced as possible. If after that you still have the mental energy to help advocate for your husband, there is nothing wrong with doing so.

You just have to remember that ultimately, he is responsible for himself and that if he were fully healthy, his priority would likely be your joint children.

This. But just remember how much of a shit he gave about you when he abused you, the mother of his children.

Whiteroomjoy · 14/05/2023 21:24

I divorced my ex due to abusive behaviour when not on his antipsychotic meds. He’d stopped taking them entirely- his choice. My choice was a boundary I put in place at time of his diagnosis 9 years earlier had been removed and it wasn’t safe for me to live with him. He’d already been ill for 9 years with no diagnosis and some pretty awful , at times abusive behaviour.
we’d been married 30 years
im 2 years post divorce,I’m still miss the better, well , him. I do not miss the psychotic him. I am safer, less stressed. I do now see more that he was an abuser, not just someone who demonstrated abusive behaviour due to being ill, and that’s made me kinder and less critical towards myself.
But I still “ worry” about him ( is he drinking to silence the voices ), is he able to control his irritation with people he interacts with or is he still making life difficult for himself, is he completely isolated…etc etc…gradually these thoughts are getting less. I see it all as part of the grief pathway . It is grief..I lost my marriage to my best friend…but I lost it years and years before our divorce when he first became ill. but I never grieved then, just took on mantle as carer, sole parent, sole breadwinner and never had time to realise my marriage and person I married was lost.
its fine to grieve. It’s fine to worry. BUT, you must keep your worry to yourself and remember you are NOT responsible for his actions, his life.,And you never were . You need to start to begin the new habit of reminding yourself of that.

JonahAndTheSnail · 14/05/2023 21:34

He needs to start looking for a more affordable private rental before he gets issued with a s21. Some landlords likely won't be adverse to having a tenant receiving regular income from benefits with the current climate how it is.

I don't think you're wrong to care what happens to him from the pov of him being the father to your children. Just be careful he doesn't try to guilt you into feeling sorry for him, especially if he's not making the effort to help himself by seeking alternative accomodation. Ultimately you are not responsible for him and he is a piece of shit for abusing you. Plenty of people suffer from progressive medical conditions without turning aggressive.

AllegraWalterJones · 14/05/2023 21:49

YANBU to care OP but remember your first duty is to your children. You can 'worry' about him being homeless but there's nothing you can do about it.
As PP have said the council have a duty of care still.

caringcarer · 14/05/2023 23:01

He could apply for a room in a shared house with bills such as council tax, gas, electricity and water included. Near me they are about £450 pcm.

sillyonehetpes · 14/05/2023 23:35

Why are you still living with him

JudgeRudy · 15/05/2023 00:28

sillyonehetpes · 14/05/2023 23:35

Why are you still living with him

Yes, I don't understand this. Surely if you're escaping domestic violence you need to go now. Or you've essentially said, we'll it's no so bad, I'd rather stay with him than go into a hostel. I can only imagine you're living some where where's there's a relatively high availability of housing. This would not happen where I live.

sillyonehetpes · 15/05/2023 02:03

@JudgeRudy it's bizarre., "We made a joint application for a house but also me by myself due to DV"....

He should be out the house now.

Or you should be.

Outnumbered101 · 15/05/2023 02:12

Obv you have to do what’s right for you and the children. You only have one life, yes the LA should support him but often they’re under resourced and underfunded. A friend of mine was removed from family home due to abuse, alcohol and drugs, and ended up in a bed sit. Wasn’t the best, but his wife couldn’t take anymore. You have to move on

4catsaremylife · 15/05/2023 02:13

It's likely that he will be offered suitable emergency accommodation for himself as he has an eligible need to be housed (his mh) this may be a bedsit or a B&B he might not be where he wants to be, but he will be housed

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