To categorically hate drugs

[Frightenedbunny]

I lived with a brother who has ruined his life after becoming addicted to drugs. During his drug fuelled days he witnessed a friend being stabbed to death due to conflict between 2 gangs. His other friend killed himself due to poor mental health due to drugs. My elderly mum and dad had their house raided and turned upside down for drugs.

I went to a musical festival on Friday and saw my friends child inhaling hippy gas. Spent the weekend deliberating whether or not to tell his parents. (He’s under 18.)

Today, I was clearing my 17 year old sons bedroom. I Found a canister of nitrous oxide and balloons hidden away. So enraged I searched his man bag he takes out with him and found a vape. I confronted him and he told me he’d been experimenting and he’s also tried ecstasy.

I feel like the worlds worst mum, like an epic failure. I really don’t want to live through another life of drugs obliterating a life and opportunities!

You’re not a failure. It’s really not uncommon for teenagers to experiment with some drugs and the vast majority will move on from it as they get into their adult years without it ever developing into addiction, especially with things like ecstasy or nitrous oxide.

Is your son aware of everything that happened with your brother? It’s worth explaining to him why you’re so worried about the impact that drug use can have so that he understands your reaction and concerns.

I think you need to separate your (understandable) feelings about your brother and drugs from your son and normal teenage experimentation. You don’t want to end up in a situation where he just hides everything from you and won’t come to you if he ends up in a situation where he needs your help.

He's a young adult, time to loosen those reigns a touch!
If you have failed to educate your child due to your prejudice then yes, of course you should share some blame if he ends up escalating to things that are more harmful.
There's no time like the present, if you treat heroin the same as MDMA or Crack the same as Nitrous oxide then you've probably already lost the battle of minds I'm afraid.
If you aren't properly educated, time to make up for lost time.

I also hate drugs and have great hate of tobacco. It killed my mum and other relatives. And yet I cannot reconcile how I deal with my thoughts on alcohol.

The damage done to this country by alcohol far out weighs the damage by drugs. Yet I drink socially and don't condemn it's use. Very hypothetical of me.

You are not BU in your hatred of drugs but I guess I am not the only hypocritical one on the alcohol matters.

This. Many very happy and successful people have used drugs. I say that as someone who has dealt with many overdoses through work.

Would it help to hate addiction, rather than drugs. Because many things are harmful when abused (alcohol, sex, food, exercise). Drugs are the same.

If your son is happy, healthy, loved, not trauma-impacted, there's every chance he will try a few things and then stop. Like teenagers do.

Ugh, You must be so dissapointed 😔
I would be too.

People are allowed to ruin their own lives, as sad as that may be.

Your (very understandable) reaction to this might be the worst possible way to deal with this. You need to seperate the two.

Your brother obviously has significant issues, but the fact remains that a surprisingly large number of people experiment in their youth with minimal consequences. I did, my DH did, most of my friends have. All fully functioning adults now.

What you need to do is talk to your DS about drugs, calmly, and rationaly. Explain the pitfalls, the supply chain, the possible criminal record. But don't write him off as an addict, that he's already lost his future - the way you have in your post.

My mother did with my brother and it really damaged their relationship and he became very secrative. Her response was very fear driven and totally disproportionate to what he was actually doing.

You're not BU for disliking drugs but you are for thinking you can control a teenager into not experimenting. One of my biggest life lessons/pieces of wisdom I've learnt is you can't force people into not making mistakes, sometimes you need to make those mistakes to learn. People are resilient. Many people have taken drugs and come out on the other side, myself included.
By the way, many of the really harmful aspects of drugs (being unable to seek help due to stigma, gangs/exploitation) is due to criminalisation of drugs imo, but that's another debate.

I feel the same as you. My teen ds has started with various things all I can do is at every opportunity tell him the dangers and arm him with knowledge so that he knows the risks. I can’t lock him in though so I have to hope he makes the right choices

@eyesfullofstars i have quite a difficult relationship with my brother, but my son see’s him as an amazing uncle. I’ve tried to not influence how he thinks of him. He has straightened himself out since a stint in prison. I’ve not shared the full story with him. I’ve shared with him today that my brothers life choices have included drugs and that’s why he’s ended up with the life he has.

@TheSnowyOwl i am more than aware of drugs and drug use and as much as I used to say I would fully educate my kids about the safe use it’s so difficult when it’s your own child. I will have those discussions with him once the feeling of failure isn’t too raw.

@Arightoldcarryabag hes had a lot of freedom. Much more than I was ever permitted and I think that’s where I’ve contributed to his failings. He’s been allowed to go out and stay at other kids houses overnight. He went to leeds festival after his GCSE’s. Part of me now thinks I’ve openly encouraged it.

thanks @MrsTerryPratchett he is loved, has had a comfortable and quite privileged life in comparison to what I had. I just don’t want him to throw it all away. He wants to do an engineering apprenticeship when he finishes college next year. I’ve spoken to him today about the impact drugs could have on his career. The places he has opted to complete his apprenticeships at have random drug testing and zero tolerance policies.

There seems to be this utterly blasé attitude towards gateway drugs in society. Speaking as someone who spends a great deal of time helping young men with skunk induced psychosis, I see the problems that can arise first hand. It is not a question of being "prejudiced" but reality, and OP you are right to be concerned

Thanks @Blackbyrd i hope once I’ve calmed down and can be quite rational we can have another discussion. He openly volunteered that he had also tried ecstasy so I’m hoping we have that trust to have open dialogue again.

@UCquestions I hope we have raised sensible children to make the correct life choices. It worries me, it really does..