Discussion recently with religious figure.
In short:
That recovery and forgiveness is the work the abused person does, and the repentance and recovery of trust is the work the abuser must do.
I have experienced the external pressure to recant - this is separate to my internal inclination to forgive but is relevant to my ability to recover.
I do not believe my abuser has experienced any external pressure to confess or repent, and am doubtful as to their internal pressure to work on their acceptance of guilt and then towards recovery of trust.
However the discussion has led me to wonder - are those subjected to harm expected, by society, to do all of the work?
And if not, why do so many of those who abuse seem to escape the pressure to either repent or work to recover the trust of those they have abused?
In my case I have worked very hard to recover my life, to repair myself from the damage caused by abusers, to forgive them for the abuse (based on knowledge that they too had been abused)
And have been judged for not doing more
Yet I find the abusers have excuses made for them, by them, and suffer little consequences, and little or no pressure to confess, repent, or make amends.
I can, and have, forgiven what I can. I feel however that I should not be doing the work of the abuser to rebuild trust - that is their work, starting with confession/admission of wrong-doing, and working through what reparations they can towards a rebuilding of trust.
I have support in real life so this is not a thread for that, but I do wonder and despair that those that abuse can escape the consequences and work that their abuse caused, whilst those abused are judged for not trying hard enough.
I particularly find difficult some aspects of the freedom programme which seems to deem the abused as somehow not knowing what love is when most women I have met through WA do have the ability to give and receive love.
To my understanding it is those who abuse who lack the knowledge/ability to give/receive love.
Why are the abused seen as ‘defective’, ‘stupid’, ‘lacking’?
Surely it is the abusers who need help with learning about love, since they are the ones subverting it into abuse?