Starting to lose my patience.

[Lollipop20]

Long post incoming

Me and my husband have been married for 2 years and have a 3 year old. However since being married it’s started to go down hill, I feel like he’s married me and now is too content with everything from his appearance to attitude. Our first issue is the relationship with our daughter, she prefers me quite bluntly and obviously to her Dad an example would be I do every wake up and bed time other wise she just screams for me hysterically however he doesn’t do anything proactively to help build their relationship (going out with her on his own, doing a daughter/daddy day) and in fact uses it to his advantage ‘do you want daddy or mum to come with you, or do this etc’ when he knows she will say me. It’s really causing a rift as he’s acting like I’m a stay at home mum but we both do the same hours, the SAME JOB and I just feel like I’m constantly playing catch up with house stuff etc on my own as he’s starting to become a hoarder and things are becoming cluttered and messy. The second point is appearance/hygiene etc he has put on a lot of weight since being together and he was a heavy person before- I would say gone from 17stone to 20 stone now the appearance isn’t the problem it’s the attitude of not bothering to cook healthy food, ordering take aways for lunch and dinner, no desire to do any exercise and the more weight he’s putting on his body odour is increasing not to mention his belching and flatulence, he’s also in denial as he’s buying clothes/sizes that don’t fit him so his clothes are tight and small. Third thing being he just has no motivation outside of work for anything he would just sit on his phone all day if he could- I’ve spoken to him about what we can do to help him and if it’s worth going to the doctors as it could be he is slightly depressed but he doesn’t want to, thinks he’s fine and doesn’t want to do anything to help himself. Whenever there’s an issue also it’s always been put on me as somehow it’s my fault and there’s no accountability for his actions. So to be honest I’m at a loss, we are early 30s and I feel like we’ve been married for 30 years- to put it simply the spark has gone- I’m just getting so frustrated and resentful I don’t know what else to do when he can’t see anything that’s wrong/ perhaps in denial. Any suggestions? Thanks

Oh my goodness, there's a lot to unpick there. He definitely sounds very complacent and his resistance to getting help/being in denial, must be extremely frustrating for you.
I'm actually struggling to see what you get out of the relationship. Could you insist on a trial separation so he can sort himself out?
Interestingly, you mentioned that he has become like that since your marriage. Does this mean he was proactive before?!

I could have written this 2 years ago. For me, when I look back, it was the start of his burn-out, also everything was my fault in his opinion. A very difficult time, which still has not passed completely. I still feel hurt and there is resentment on both sides.
Good to look for advice early stages, I didn't. I also looked in the wrong places for help, with mil the relationship has worsened since then, as her ds could do nothing wrong and it must have been something I did, for him to treat me in such a bad way. Even though he did the exact same thing to her, which led me to thinking she might want to talk about it with me, but no nothing like that. I will be following this thread with interest as for me it's a bit too late. So no helpful ideas here, just a 'you're not alone'😚

What about marriage counselling?

All the stuff you've mentioned would piss me off no end.

The putting on weight bit would also really annoy me.

@JMSA I am struggling to see also which is why I think I’m losing my patience- before the marriage he was loving and supportive and was like my biggest cheerleader now he’s just against me- he just sits on the sofa watching his programmes on his iPad and little engagement with me or my daughter. I would think maybe he was having an affair or there was somebody else but I just know there’s not deep down and it’s an internal problem he’s not dealing with. Ahhh thank you for your reply

@OneFlipflopleft yes everything is my fault the no accountability is a nightmare- he even thinks his daughter not wanting to spend time with him and being hysterical is my fault somehow when it’s because he doesn’t really engage 100% and he loses his patience with her so quickly as he can’t deal with the whining 🙄

how did you come to know it was his burn out? Where are you guys now with it and if you got the small breakthrough how did it happen? Apologies for the 100000 questions

@Dacadactyl I think we will have to but that will be a stretch for him wanting to do it I think

He got more angry every day, then also could not handle work anymore. He got sick leave but this meant a visit to the doctor. But only that one time, to have the burn-out confirmed. There were a few months where he did nothing at all, only lying in bed, sleep, drink, being angry and wanting absolutely nothing to do with me or our daughter.
And when I tried talking to him about it, the first few months it was worse than hitting my head against a wall. He only downtalked to me, excepting nothing I said. Whatever he could think if he used against me.
I started to feel worse and worse too. By then I could not have a normal conversation with him anymore. What I wanted at that time was for him to leave the house. So I could have a next to normal household with my child. Better to have no father in the house than one who ignores/is not interested in you; that hurts.
Therefor what JMSA suggests, having a trial seperation right now, would also be my advise. You remove the bad atmosphere between yourselves, so your child is not in the middle. You already are sort of the sole carer, but then you would have no negative energy to deal with anymore.
With us it also started when she was 3. She is 6 now, so it is 2,5 years going.... not good for her. By that part I am very embarrased.
It was the corona isolation which probably was the match to the gasoline of his pre-existing mental health issues like adhd and a following depression. He is definitely a person with the male version perimenopause and experiences a hormonal changing phase in his life. He was mid forties, I was early forties when this al began. Months later he could be spoken to some more. Although it was because of an ultimatum I set, as he agreed then he was behaving badly and not as a father (eg he ordered online and used heavy sleeping pills in our house) Therapy did follow. But all that has to come from own initiative. Which makes it hard as a partner, to ask, push, follow-up, getting annoyment as a response ofcourse.
So I respect his difficulties, it is just that now for me something feels broken.
I do think that had we lived apart for a while, working on personal issues (it does not have to mean divorce), I personaly would feel a lot better at this point in our lives. So we are not there yet.

A practical question, to get it out if the way, did he gain something from marrying you? Could there be a reason that he feels 'secure' now?

Can you imagine if we women/mums acted the same way as many of the men described on here? Society would be fucked.

What is the point of this relationship - he brings nothing but misery.

Exactly! It's a man's thing I think, putting yourself first. Perhaps not always on purpose, it is just how their mind works (they mansplain;)). To me it almost feels like an impossibility to live with a man in the same house, care for a child together, ánd have a healthy! romantic relationship.