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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset that husband gets wasted every time we go out...

67 replies

Meltinthemiddle · 14/05/2023 01:27

Not happy drunk or just drunk, but to the point he is stumbling, slurring and acting a clown and showing off. It happened every time we go out with friends or if he is with his mates. I just find it a real turn off and that it ruins a good night especially when I can seem him getting drunk but he continues to buy more and I have to sound the miserable cow and tell him to stop. I just find out I can't relax in an evening out worrying he will drink more then he should.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/05/2023 02:17

It would be a deal breaker for me, but I also would never have married a man who behaves this way as it always gets worse. This type of behaviour always spills into other aspects of their lives.

Ndd135632 · 14/05/2023 02:35

Does he know quite how much it annoys you ?

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 14/05/2023 03:50

Yes!! And then he will watch how he drinks the next time. He isn't an alcoholic btw so isn't drinking every week but when he goes out he is a over drinker and doesn't know his limits. He's just pissed on our sons bedroom drawers thinking he was in the toilet so that's it really. I'm done.

OP posts:
Tresfren · 14/05/2023 04:12

Wow I'd be done too, that's despicable. He may not be the typical alcoholic but he clearly has a big problem with alcohol if he can't have healthy limits and gets that out of it each time.

Rotormotor · 14/05/2023 04:28

Alcoholism comes in many forms. He has a problem with alcohol whatever you call it.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/05/2023 04:32

The only person who wouldn’t be upset by this is a fellow alcoholic. Your feelings are valid. Think carefully about if this is how you want your future to look. It sounds incredibly stressful and not an environment I’d want to bring kids into.

You can get support from Al-anon.

goinginsaneinthemembrane · 14/05/2023 04:33

Meltinthemiddle · 14/05/2023 03:50

Yes!! And then he will watch how he drinks the next time. He isn't an alcoholic btw so isn't drinking every week but when he goes out he is a over drinker and doesn't know his limits. He's just pissed on our sons bedroom drawers thinking he was in the toilet so that's it really. I'm done.

That's absolutely fucking gross! This would be a deal breaker for me.

Gotafaceon · 14/05/2023 04:34

Oh god that is absolutely disgusting. Your poor Ds.

junebirthdaygirl · 14/05/2023 05:23

He is an alcoholic. If their drinking causes problems in their work or in their relationships they are classed as an alcoholic. There is no point in him cutting back on his drinking as he has no off button. He needs to give up altogether.

Tomorrow, after tonight's incident l would ask him either to go to AA or leave your home as this is no way to live. He needs to face consequences for his out of control drinking.

Olivida98 · 14/05/2023 05:35

junebirthdaygirl · 14/05/2023 05:23

He is an alcoholic. If their drinking causes problems in their work or in their relationships they are classed as an alcoholic. There is no point in him cutting back on his drinking as he has no off button. He needs to give up altogether.

Tomorrow, after tonight's incident l would ask him either to go to AA or leave your home as this is no way to live. He needs to face consequences for his out of control drinking.

False. Someone does not automatically become an alcoholic because their behaviour when drinking irritates someone else. That’s massively oversimplifying things. I know a lot of people who are annoying drunks and don’t know when to stop. My being annoyed with them doesn’t automatically make them alcoholics? They don’t drink often and don’t have any addiction to or reliance on alcohol. They just are idiots when they drink and think they want another.

Surgarblossom · 14/05/2023 05:39

You have all right to be annoyed, it's disgusting behaviour.

GuevarasBeret · 14/05/2023 05:56

Which of the two of you is going to be laundering the pissed-on clothes? Like we don’t know.

Time for very straight talking. His drinking pattern is putting his marriage at risk. it’s up to him.

Having said that, he obviously has a streak in him that has to push things right to the limit, and then use that as a starting point to fuck it up for everyone to prove that he won’t be told.

silverfullmoon · 14/05/2023 06:00

Meltinthemiddle · 14/05/2023 03:50

Yes!! And then he will watch how he drinks the next time. He isn't an alcoholic btw so isn't drinking every week but when he goes out he is a over drinker and doesn't know his limits. He's just pissed on our sons bedroom drawers thinking he was in the toilet so that's it really. I'm done.

Being an alcoholic doesnt always mean sleeping rough on a park bench or drinking cider at 7am. If he is literally unable to moderate his alcohol consumption then he has an alcohol problem. His pattern sounds like binge drinking rather than being a daily drinker but it is still a problem.

The fact he is unable to have one or two drinks and then stop indicates an alcohol issue. Read the book "alcohol explained" by william porter

CosmosQueen · 14/05/2023 06:22

Meltinthemiddle · 14/05/2023 03:50

Yes!! And then he will watch how he drinks the next time. He isn't an alcoholic btw so isn't drinking every week but when he goes out he is a over drinker and doesn't know his limits. He's just pissed on our sons bedroom drawers thinking he was in the toilet so that's it really. I'm done.

Why on earth aren’t you kicking him out?
I couldn’t live with a drunk, I’ve seen what my BIL is like too many times, grim and disgusting.

PurBal · 14/05/2023 06:29

I have one of these. It’s interesting you say he isn’t an alcoholic but binge drinking is a form of alcoholism. I’ve found managing DH much easier since I accepted it’s the illness not him as a person. DH does dry January and goes on heath kicks, he’s generally a healthy person. He might not drink for months but he just cannot stop once he starts. I’ve considered leaving, but I made a decision to marry him knowing this is how he drinks. That’s my choice, but it’s not right for everyone. You might find Al-Anon helpful.

PurBal · 14/05/2023 06:34

FWIW I have a dear friend who after 20+ years of drinking, drugs and homelessness turned his life around and has been sober 15 years with the help of AA (which he still attends every week). He’s been very supportive with my situation. Half of the people who attend AA are “binge” drinkers. You don’t have to drink daily to be an alcoholic.

Onefootinthegroove · 14/05/2023 06:34

He is a problem drinker.
He does not know his limits and his drinking effects others.
He either stops drinking completely and finds help or you need to think seriously about ending this relationship.

mildlydispeptic · 14/05/2023 06:34

OP you should video him and show him what he looks like.

Buildingthefuture · 14/05/2023 06:35

I couldn’t say whether he’s an alcoholic, but he definitely is someone who doesn’t know his limit and pissing in your sons room is hideous. He knows this is a problem for you, but he keeps doing it and isn’t prepared to change his behaviour. That is the problem. My DH can sometimes go too far (has never pissed in the house though!!) but he knows if I “suggest” he has a Diet Coke, it’s time to stop and he will then switch to soft drinks. I would be making sure that he cleans up his revolting mess and I’d be having a very serious conversation about my marriage.

airey · 14/05/2023 06:48

So sorry you’re having to deal with this OP, you’re absolutely not being unreasonable.

I think especially being a father, it’s really pathetic to get wasted like that ever, let alone regularly.

I had a boyfriend like that years ago, it was awful. He thought it was hilarious, so I tried to film him to show him when he was sober the next day. He was surrounded by enabling friends (and family!) though and they made me feel like I was being out of order questioning it.

years later, my now DH rarely drinks more than a glass or two, it’s so nice. We have fun but then can get on with our lives the next day and he is always prepared should there be a crisis (we have two young DC)

I think generally British drinking culture is improving with less people doing it to excess, it’s seriously uncool and unsexy when people still do it!

a friend of mine and her DH went to therapy about his regular drinking and things really improved for them, so that could be worth considering.

good luck x

YukoandHiro · 14/05/2023 06:52

Pissing in your child's room would be a line in the sand for me.
Given that you've talked about this many times I would be expecting him to take it seriously enough now to set himself a lifetime 2 drinks max limit and if he doesn't agree then divorce

Kaiserchief · 14/05/2023 07:40

Some people can’t just have a few, it’s all or nothing. I’m one of them and so I just don’t drink at all any more. Life is better now 🤗

SkyandSurf · 14/05/2023 07:40

Video him.

It could be a wake up call, or useful in a custody batter.

Binge drinking is a type of alcoholism.

Mummadeze · 14/05/2023 07:53

I was like him for many years. It caused a lot of problems, accidents, trips to A&E, causing offence to friends, embarrassment at work, arguments. I didn’t feel responsible because I couldn’t remember most of the things that happened and I didn’t do them on purpose. It felt like I was discussing someone different when my friends told me how I behaved. And it was fairly infrequent, once or twice a month as I didn’t drink in between. But I started to think about stopping because my young DD would get anxious when I went out and ask me not to drink alcohol. And the final straw happened when I got paralytic at a family party and my Mum had a massive go at me the next day. She was furious and told me every home truth under the sun, about how embarrassing and selfish I was, a bad Mum. I really needed to hear that, so many others had just told me not to worry every time I messed up because I was always contrite. Some friends found me funny when drunk so encouraged it. I stopped drinking altogether 3 years ago. And it has helped me in so many ways. I think you need to be really harsh and give your husband a massive wake up call. Make him feel really ashamed for pissing in his son’s draws, he deserves it, don’t let him off. Good luck.

pinkstripeycat · 14/05/2023 08:00

He is an alcoholic.

Alcoholic dont always drink in the morning, every day or every week. An alcoholic is someone who cannot control their drinking.

Anyone who is or knows an alcoholic (recovering or otherwise) will tell you the same.