What could I have done?

[MumTeach1]

Really strange situation. Not sure where to even begin so posting here as some of you may have experienced same and might have insight:

my daughter started a new school in September. I’ve been really friendly with the mums and I say hi and make conversations etc. I thought I was getting along with them fine but some weird things happened: I had a playdate with one (let’s call her “Ann” which went really well as kids got along so nicely and we got along. All fine. Had another playdate with another mum from class again everything good she even commented that Ann was saying how lovely I am and how lovely it is that my DD has just fitted in so nicely with the rest of the class. Last Friday I saw Ann and she completely blanked me. Actually even week before she was being a little odd but I just assumed she was rushing about and had lots to do so didn’t think about it, I texted her last week and asked if everything was okay as she was being s little quiet, she replied “sorry I was rushing to an appointment”. I saw her last week and thought I’m not gonna bother no more and I saw her and she saw me but she turned her back to me. Other mum is being s bit weird too.

I lead a very boring life so it’s definitely not some juicy gossip they have uncovered! I have no idea what I’ve done. I’m thinking of just keeping my distance now and just picking DD up and not even glancing in their direction. It’s so tough though as I’m new to the area and have no friends. It’s definitely nothing anyone has said about he from last school or neighbourhood as I got along very well with everyone. DD still actually gets party invites from old school even though we left it. Funny enough we have had no party invites from new school. What could I have done?

Any ideas?

You have some options here:

1. ask them outright if you've done anything
2. ignore them as you've suggested
3. continue to be polite, invite to play dates etc, see how it goes and based on that, follow up with either 1 or 2

Really depends on how much it all bothers you tbh

Thank you @cheeseandketchupsandwich

I have tried to ask “Ann” if anything was wrong but she just told me she was rushing around.

How old is your child? Is it possible she just didn't gel with you so is backing off as your not her type of person ? Some schools aren't big on parties we've only had 1 party invite for dd whereas I hear some schools there are parties every week

Hi my DD is 6. Started in year 2.

The other woman could have got jealous and shit stirred, or you were only invited to get gossip.

But “Ann” did stop to talk to me lots of times after the play date. It’s just since the other mother came to mine for playdate things have been odd. I would say for past month. But she’s been fine since September (had meet up with me 2x first starting in September the other was in January I think).

I had this OP, asked around for a playdste. Ended up staying and spent nearly 3 hours chatting to the mum in her kitchen whilst the kids played. Saw her after in the playground a few days later, totally blanked and never spoken to again! No idea why, still don't! I just got on with it tbh, people are weird but some of the school mum interactions I've had left me perplexed!

@Wat2do222 did you ever ask her what was wrong?

It’s really upsetting, I really thought we were all getting on so well. I was even planning to invite a few of them and we could chat whilst kids played. I’m feeling so low.

I'm wondering if the second mum is some weirdo shit stirrer would loves to pit women against other women. I've known a few of those sort in my time.

@Aquamarine1029 that thought did cross my mind but why would the second mum say that Ann and the rest of the mums were saying how nice I am and how friendly and lively my daughter is?

This is why I don't really get involved with the school mums tbh I keep myself to myself I pick up my kids and go I was made out to be weird on my own thread for not being in with the school mums but all I ever hear is drama, perhaps the other mum took a disliking to you who knows? Could be anything but you won't get along with everyone try some other mums in the class?

Because she wants you to think she's so lovely and complimentary. If she is the cause, it would stem from her insecurities and jealousy. She would have the mindset to keep her "enemies" close, and she would take pleasure in manipulating all of you.

@MumTeach1 I didn't tbh, I had a lot of weird experiences over the years (in primary school) Try not to analyse too much (easier said than done!) You seem like a nice person and whatever nonsense they're about is not worth your energy. We arrived in Y2 from a different area and I found it really hard, took a fair while to actually find 1 or 2 mums I had a genuine connection with. I guarantee its not you, its them!

Thank you all, I feel so silly it’s like 1:30 in the morning and I’m lying awake thinking of them! I just wish things could be different

Or at least if they could tell me what I did wrong (if anything )

I've been where you are, all the joys that come with parenting that you are never told about! Honestly I can tell you from experience, sometimes it's better to be a bit out of the loop. You haven't done a thing but be open and nice, they have some odd dynamic that you've probably dodged a bullet from!

Thank you @Wat2do222 its just the not knowing! I’m wondering if I said done thing to upset them but there was no indication they were upset on the day or even weeks after the playdate. I think I’m slightly socially anxious but when I tell family or really close friends who I grew up with (moved miles away from old hometown when I was a teenager) they tell me I’m being ridiculous and I’m the most bubbly and social person they know! But maybe I’ve changed and the new people see this side of me? I do feel I’ve changed after having kids but family n old friends wouldn’t see that. I feel I have done something wrong. Maybe they’ve heard some lies about me.

@MumTeach1 it's an absolute minefield. I have DCs at 7 and one at 12. When my oldest started school I fell in to a really nice wee group, but over time I found I was being left out of plans and playdates. It bothered me for a long time and I often wondered what I had done. By the time my twins went to school I was much more savvy and learned that mum school friends are rarley real friends. Interestingly one of the mums from my twins class started being strange and distancing her self from me, and I let her go. Now I find she is the one who contacts me 🤷🏻‍♀️. I think school mum friends is like some alternate reality where normal rules don't apply. Try not to take it personally, and don't assume it's you who has done something

Is it possible she is just busy and you're overthinking it? What you've described doesn't sound like a definitive freezing-out to me.

@TiptoeThroughTheToadstools that's interesting. I wonder if I should just ignore them too.

@Jibo i do get the sense it’s he rather than being busy. Even when I’m busy I still at least say hi to all the other mums even as I’m passing or just smile.

I’ve been thinking more and more and I think I might be autistic as I have the sane traits such as obsessive after social interactions and over thinking. I really don’t know

@MumTeach1 why don't you have a chat with your family/existing friends about it? I would absolutely value their opinions and insight. It's so so easy for me to say but try not to measure your self esteem by these ladies, you've mentioned you had a nice experience where you lived before and I would take that as your yardstick and not this. Another issue I had was with a parent that walked the same way as me and DS's - we'd have nice chats on the way but as soon as she saw someone of more interest/part of her clique she would literally walk away from me mid conversation — no goodbye or anything! It happened a couple of times and I felt so shit. I then avoided her like the plague and it was only a few years later I spoke to another mum who said she had the same experience with the person. I am really sorry that this has left you feeling so low. Maybe have a chat with your little one and see if there is anyone else in the class she would like to have a playdate with? x

That.

I would accept she was/is 'rushing around' and let it go.

Why is it all such a big deal? This woman is an acquaintance. There will be others with whom you can become friends but don't be needy about it, be independent. Everyone has their own life to lead.