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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think our friendship is disappearing now we're both mums

5 replies

TiddlyToes21 · 14/05/2023 00:42

My closest friend had her first child a couple of months ago. I have two children (4 and 1.5). I know it's still early days for her but I feel like our friendship has really changed already. We've always got on so well and have always been there for each other through life's ups and downs. Now we are both mums, it feels like we are really different.

My friend has taken to parenthood like a duck to water. She had a very straightforward pregnancy and birth and so far, a good first few months. Her partner is very organised and super supportive. She seems to be very calm as a parent and I've not as yet heard her say that anything has been difficult or stressful. It could be that she's got parenting nailed or she just doesn't want to share the harder bits. She was never like this before though. We'd always talk to each other about any problems we might have had.

I'm a stressy, disorganised, chaotic sort of mum (think Julia from Motherland!). Nothing has been easy in my pregnancies, births and in my relationship with dh. There have been some really tough times.

I just feel like we're so different now. I wonder if we were only friends because she didn't have children. She also seems a lot less interested in meeting up now. However she is still going to see other friends.

AIBU to think that now my friend is a mum, she's not as bothered about our friendship?

OP posts:
Ilovetea42 · 14/05/2023 00:57

Do you mean you feel different in terms of your initial experience of parenthood?

I would say it's only been 2 months... that's not long to get your head round a new baby even if you've taken to it smoothly. Are you working? I found it easier to meet up with friends who were free during the day than friends only free evenings and weekends because in the evenings ds was colicky and at the weekend my dh wanted to spend as much time as possible with him and as I bf I couldn't have left ds at that age. Do the other friends have kids? Is she meeting the same friends regularly or is she seeing different individuals who all want to meet the baby?

I think you need to give her a bit of grace on this one. The first few months are intense no matter how nice it is with people wanting to visit and hang out etc and I remember just wanting to have time with dh and ds so I limited how many people I saw and just tried to work my way through everyone.

It feels a little like you're looking at her and comparing yourself as if she has it super easy. That's actually really unfair to her. Her experience just is what it is - she didn't know how she'd react to motherhood any more than the rest of us did. It sounds like you're projecting a bit because there are things in your life you wish were different which is understandable and natural, but it won't benefit your friendship.

Vikingthings · 14/05/2023 01:01

Personally I think this post might say more about some feelings of jealousy around her experience than your friendship. You sound envious.

Also, if newborns are healthy and happy, then they generally sleep a lot. Having a newborn is nothing even remotely like having two older children.

Adviceneeded234 · 14/05/2023 01:06

This sounds like my friendship. My friend being the chaotic one with a ton of issues and me taking to my child from the minute she was born and have the most supportive husband.

if I’m honest I took a conscious decision to step away from our friendship because there was always something going on with her which she needed to offload. I just wanted a stress free life and to enjoy all the moments with my baby and partner.

I am not saying this is what is happening with you, simply giving you perspective. It is still very early and your friend is likely to be navigating and enjoying this baby phase

Tara24 · 08/07/2023 22:26

You're comparing your internal view of yourself with the external version she wants to portray of herself.

SilkTrees · 08/07/2023 22:28

Why would you only have been friends because she didn't have children? That makes no sense. This sounds far more about your own feelings of inadequacy about parenting -- you sound as if you feel rebuffed that either she's not experiencing the small baby stage as difficult, or, if she is, she's not telling you about it?

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