Am I encouraging my child to bully?

[parenthoodseason]

Three girls on my street, all 10 years old. My daughter, sammy and Katy (fake names).

My daughter and Sammy are very close, they play out as much as they can, sammy comes on day trips with us and vice Versa my daughter with her family. Tonight they're having a sleepover.

Katy has joined in with them a handful of times but each time Sammy and my daughter have reported she tells them to shut up, always threatens to tell her mum on them, and when Katy's been in my house, she seems nice enough but a bit off socially.

Anyways it got to the point that my daughter and Sammy were actively avoiding her. They would play in my garden rather than out at the park as they didn't want to bump into her. Sammy's mum came to my door saying that katy is feeling left out. She said she is having problems at school and now at home and can't catch a break. I emphasised with her and said I'd talk to my daughter.

My daughter was really upset and refused to play with her saying she is mean and doesn't like her. Sammys mum spoke to her and got the same.

About 6 months went by and they hadn't played with katy. However last week katy came to the door, my daughter, Sammy and daughters friend for school were all out the back garden and I let katy go out.

They played for about half an hour then I had to drop the school friend home. On the way home the school friend said that katy had called her stupid and told her to shut her mouth and my daughter said she had broken her gymnastics beam (checked when I got home and it wasn't broken, there was a mark on it not a big deal).

So tonight daughter and Sammy are having a sleepover and katy keeps cycling back and forth the house and garden on her bike looking in. My daughter is asking me to say that she can't play with them tonight if she knocks.

On one hand I feel rotten, the poor girl, but there's definitely some social issues that are resulting in the girls not wanting to play with her. I don't feel I should force my daughter to play with someone she doesn't want to but I know if roles were reversed I would be heartbroken.

My daughter (so far) has sailed through school and is quite popular, however, I know this is purely luck and there by but the grace of god go I. So trying to handle the situation sensitively.

AIBU?

100% agree. Sounds like your daughter is being mean.

I don't think it matters if Katy is mean or not. Your DD does not want to play with her. They are not in the same class or school. Why should she play with a girl she doesn't like in her freetime, in her own home?

Considering your dd said she'd broken her beam and it wasn't true I'd be wondering if the girls are making up things/exaggerating just because they don't like her and don't want her to play with them. If she's threatening to tell her mum on them then I'd guess it's because they're not being very nice to her.

I don't know what you can do though because if they don't want to play with her then the chances are they'll only leave her out or not be very nice to her even if you did try to make them.

Unlike nearly everyone else I definitely wouldn't believe that Katy was the problem here but there's no point having her round and getting her hopes up that she might be able to join in when she's clearly not wanted. I'd just not invite her in and hopefully she'll find some new friends that are happy to let her play.

It's really hard - my daughter has been the one excluded and it's really sad but I do stand by what I try to teach my children - at school/groups we should try not to exclude anyone who wants to join in, but at home and in our own time we can choose who we would like to be with.

No one has to be friends with someone they don't like, or makes them feel bad, including children.
It's not bullying. Just because they live in close proximity it doesn't mean they are automatically friends.

Unfortunately Katy will have to learn that if you are unpleasant, people don't want to be friends with you, perhaps as she gets older she'll become a bit more aware of how to treat others.

I would expect DD to be civil but I wouldn’t expect her to play with a child who is mean to her. The kid may not be very good at communicating and if I were her mum I’d want to know how she’s behaving so I could help her with her social skills.

The age your daughter is, she cannot be coerced into friendship via playdates. She has valid reasons for not wanting to play with this girl. If the mother approaches you again tell her your daughter's reasoning.

It’s tricky. It’s not really what I would call bullying. I think all you can do is be honest with Katy’s mum.

I think your daughter and Sammy have dealt with this well. They've recognised by playing at each others houses/gardens they don't have to have Katy there. If they wanted to be deliberately mean to Katy they could play out and then obviously exclude her. They've chosen not to do that. You have then let Katy in. Personally I would have no problem explaining the girls are busy if Katy calls. It would be great if they all got along but they don't. You can't be sure who is the issue although if Katy is struggling elsewhere then chances are it's her. I have sympathy with her, my eldest has ASD and struggled a lot at this age. But the solution was not to make kids be his friends.

My dd is mid teens now. I found around 10/11/12, girls were incredibly adept at telling only half a story and missing out all the things they did to lead to a certain situation, skewing it very much in their favour. It isn’t that they are lying. Rather they see things in a very black and white way, which is entirely normal developmentally. My dd and her friends were all the same, even though my dd is pretty upfront and honest on the whole.

On this basis, I really wouldn’t take what your dd is saying as the 100% truth. There may be a lot of truth or the girls may have concocted a story as they’re finding it difficult to play with Katy. I totally get it. My dd had loads of friends and was very much in demand in the latter primary years. I otoh was more socially awkward but can well imagine it difficult for the two to mix.

It sounds as though Katy’s mum is concerned about her dd. Having been a child, who felt more like Katy, I would go and have a chat with her mum and discuss the situation. And ask her if Katy plays with Sammy at school. At the end of the day, if your dd doesn’t want to play with Katy, you cannot force her. But as a mum, you can guide her and talk about excluding children and her not wanting to be on the receiving end one day, especially if it transpires some of the time she plays with Sammy at school.

I mentioned my dd having a lot of friends upthread. There was a time, when this was not the case and my dd was very upset when dropped by a friend, who made the others in the group choose. This was in yr1 and being young, they chose the other girl - understandable when she is was the oldest in the year and they were the youngest so there was quite a developmental difference.

I got dd busy with after school activities, invited any girl she said she liked on play dates and this situation passed, incidentally it was the best thing for her albeit I do understand it was easier as dd was younger. Perhaps you could suggest to the mum she takes her dd to brownies or cubs, judo etc or other more expensive hobbies if the budget stretches to be around children of her age. And to suggest play dates. She won’t necessarily meet children to have play dates with. But it will help with her social skills.

Of course you don’t have to do this. But one day, you may find your dd in the same situation. Even a child, who is popular can be ousted from a group and bullied. It would be a good lesson for your dd to learn how you can climb out of that situation as well as the current situation.