To find motherhood difficult

[DCHatingLife]

I will preface this with I love DC with all my heart but if I do wish things where different and easier for them. And I am trying to understand that life is hard for them at the moment, but I hate being their mum at times.

DC is 8. I’m a single parent.

They moved to a special school at the start of this academic year. But their attendance has dropped dramatically to below 60%, they don’t like getting the mini bus, so we changed to taxis but they didn’t like the taxis either so now I have to drive them, and they hate that to. I can’t lift them they’re too heavy and as tall as me so if they refuse to get in the car or refuse to get out of the car at school I’m stuck.

They don’t like school. They were the same at mainstream. They let mainstream because their school said they couldn’t meet need anymore, they pushed back against every adjustment, refused to leave class for intervention and refused to engage with the TA there to help them. They wouldn’t use their overlays because it made them different to their classmates, they wouldn’t wear their piedro boots because it made them different. They were not badly behaved or a danger, they just made absolutely no progress because they refused to accept their conditions. It's not even as if they say "I wish I didn't have this" they literally do not even acknowledge it, if me or ExH mention it or say "That might be because of your (condition) that you struggle with that" they say "I don't have that" or "I'm the same as everyone else" even the counsellor said they don't acknowledge their SN/Conditions at all.

But now they’re the same as everyone in their class due to being at Special School they don’t like that either. Both schools have been brilliant in trying to help DC, letting them choose adjustments, but DC just says they’re fine and don’t need them. Even the smaller adjustments like the overlays/shoes/food choices cause DC to shut down and refuse to engage. Current school try and have staff available for when we do get DC to school, but sometimes DC just will not co-operate and I have to drive away with DC still in my car.

I’d home school/do EOTAS if I felt it was in DCs interests but I work from home 3 days a week and DC just wants to be at home. They tell me they don’t care much about learning which I know not to be true, it’s more they don’t want to be shown to not be able to do something, even though we all have things we can’t do.

They were invited to join a swimming class for children with SN but hated it and refused to do it, so now they struggle in the mainstream classes because they won’t let the TA for their stage help them at all.

The only place they’re the same and we have no issues is Scouts and that’s only because DC thinks the leaders don’t know about their conditions. And I’ve told the leaders if DC ever found out they knew DC would most likely refuse to keep going – they do make some adjustments but things that DC doesn’t know about, like they changed the uniform rule for the whole pack rather than just for DC. We even have to be careful with things like that though because if DC thinks the rule has changed due to them they get upset and shut down and demand it be changed back because they’re the same.

We’ve tried counselling both alone and with me/ExH but DC refused to co-operate, even when we did arts or music therapy DC would love the session but say they were the same as everyone else and don’t want adjustments/help/whatever. Counsellor said that DC is trying to ignore it because they think it’ll go away, but if we just bide our time there will be a time soon where DC will accept they’re different.

But how long do I wait? A year? 10 years? What if they never do? It’s driving me mad that DC can’t accept themselves for them, they’re perfect, funny, cheeky and amazing and I love them with my whole heart.

I am just ranting. I don’t know how to help my DC. It affects everything, my work because DC can’t be unsupervised, so I have to work in the noisy living room (if DC goes to school I still work in there but there’s not a TV, Radio and DC playing at the same time in there) and that affects the quality of work. Like i said I'm trying to understand that they don't

Any tips at all for helping DC? I am desperate

Sending hugs. I wish I had some advice but hopefully someone will be along. You sound like a fantastic parent and DC is lucky to have you.

@strawberryjeans I don't feel fantastic, I feel guilty for not enjoying them the way I should

I really do sympathise, but I would keep going with the taxis. You keep backing down and it's doing your child no good. Your child gets to opt out if school while you're doing the driving, but presumably they don't have the choice if escorted there by taxi. It's as much for your own good as it is theirs!

opt out OF school

@JMSA I can't get them into a taxi or mini bus, they refuse to get in and they're as tall as me and very heavy I can't manhandle them in, and the escorts/drivers won't touch DC at all, so council removed that option and just paid me to take DC to school in my own car, but I still can't physically get DC there if they refuse

hard enough being a single parent without the specific issues you're having to deal with, sounds super tough!

can you cut back on school or even do home schooling? Ok that's not easy in itself but may be less struggle at least until DC is a bit older.

@betaglucans I would but I work from home and DC would want TV, radio and to be playing at the same time.

Even with DLA I can't give up work so its a no go

I'm trying to get a sense of your child's exact needs. Are they able to understand consequences? It's worrying that an 8 year old is calling all the shots.

could you negotiate with DC to do more part time hours at school maybe? And maybe get some noise cancelling headphones or something you could wear while they are at home with TV on, or maybe they could wear headphones. Do they use a computer at all? I find that a great distraction for my DS even if it's not ideal it does help me to get work done.

is the other parent involved?

Really hard to know what to suggest without knowing the kids SN issues I guess. Hope things get easier. My DS is now 10.5 and it is a lot easier just with 2 years age difference.

@JMSA They understand to a point but I don't think they grasp that I can get into trouble for them not going to school. School are trying to get them in and have suggested various things including a room where they can start the day and then go to lessons, only doing their favourite lessons to start with etc. and it works when I can physically get DC there, but it's 40 minutes in morning traffic to school so they can't help me this end and again they won't touch or physically handle DC as it's not in DCs EHCP to do so.

@betaglucans School have said DC can choose which lessons to go to while they settle in and they use a different room they can start the day in but their limited with what they can do.

DC won't wear headphones and likes lots of noise, they want TV and radio on while they play and I have client calls so it's not just a case of blocking out the noise.

YANBU I have 3, youngest has SEN, I love them all but I hate being a mother, if I had my time again I wouldn't have any but I can only say that because of hindsight.

First off, you’re doing a fantastic job, you have explored every avenue to get your child to school, you’re getting your child involved in extracurricular activities to broaden their life experience. I’m sure you’re tired though! From the outside, if possible could you remove yourself from the getting to school equation for a while. Is there an auntie, uncle or friend who could take over for you, we had great success helping out a friend with getting their child with autism to school.

A behaviour reward chart would be used by loads of 8 year olds, not just kids with a special condition. Would your child accept working along with you to earn a reward each week?

you can get noise cancelling mic / headphone combos that might help a bit for the calls (they block out background noise on the mic as well as ears). Prob not a perfect every day solution but might be helpful for a day when DC is at home with the telly on and you need to do work calls.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Jabra-Evolve2-Headset-2-Microphone-USB-Black/dp/B08V9BSMVL/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=noise%2Bcancelling%2Bmicrophone&qid=1683996254&sr=8-3&th=1

Just wanted to reply to say that I get it. I have an ND child with crippling anxiety and everyone tells me to 'just make him' do stuff or implying that him 'controlling' the household is a reflection on my parenting. If a diabetic kid needed a strict schedule of food and blood sugar checks to meet their medical needs would they also be deemed to be 'controlling' the household in the same way?
The challenges you are both facing are valid and you're not doing anything 'wrong'. I don't have a solution for you because I understand exactly where you're at. You cannot force your child, even if you wanted to, it's physically impossible and hugely dangerous.
As PP suggested, we've had some limited success reintroducing DS to the world with wireless headphones connected up to his tablet for his music/audiobook of choice when leaving the house. He's found that helps manage his anxiety and sensory distress a little. Might be worth a shot since your child clearly finds some reassurance in controlling the noise of their environment.
I hope you find a solution that works for you both soon.

I've just seen your son won't wear headphones, sorry. To be fair DS didn't either until I found the exact right moment to offer them. Might be worth pursuing with to keep him as regulated as possible on the drive to school if you feel it might come to fruition.

It sounds like you need an early review of the EHCP as it isn’t currently meeting DC’s needs.

If EOTAS is needed it doesn’t have to mean DC are at home all day or even at all. You can’t be compelled to organise, facilitate or deliver provision either, that is the LA’s responsibility even if they have to fund someone else to.

Thank you everyone

ExH is involved sort of, he doesn't do school runs or weekday contact but sees DC EOWend and half the holidays.

DC is happiest in school holidays, even if we go out and see other children or go on days out there's no meltdowns, no trying to control the enviornment etc. Scouts is the same, it's almost like DC thinks they're in competition with others.

I thought the school would be perfect for DC, while the other children in their class don't have the same diagnosis' as it's a general SN school, they will be at a similar point academically and have similar barriers, in the class of 12 (includeding DC) 4 or 5 need overlays and/or grips for their pencils, several have piedros, there's different choices for uniform to suit etc. there's also things like an adventure playground I thought DC would feel included and welcomed and I think if they gave it a chance they'd be fine but it's almost like they can't accept this life. The school don't think moving them to a different class would help as they'd feel more different to their classmates due to being academically ahead or behind them. The school doesn't operate strict year groups; DC is in the equivliant of a Year 2 class, but all the children will be either Year 2, 3 or 4 aged if that makes sense.

When I ask them if they want to go back to their old school, they say yes but they don't need the TA or overlays, they just want to be but when they were just left they fell behind.

It's a through school so was hoping to not have to move them again, but will discuss with school.

Will call an early EHCP review and discuss EOTAS.

DC is happiest in school holidays, even if we go out and see other children or go on days out there's no meltdowns, no trying to control the enviornment etc. Scouts is the same, it's almost like DC thinks they're in competition with others.

This is really interesting, OP.
Well, school isn't for everyone, that's for sure.
Hope things look up soon - it sounds so hard, but you're a fab mum x

@JMSA It's hard because I want school to work, I don't feel qualified even with tutors etc to provide the things DC needs and I don't just mean English or Maths Skills I mean things like social skills, speech therapy etc.

I know they do Cubs/Scouts but thats 1.5 hours a week, I don't feel it's enough. And they struggle in the swimming lessons so don't really chat/socialise there either. And I don't want to completely abandon swimming as I feel it's a life skill plus it's helpful for one of their conditions as well.

Has DC had a sensory OT assessment and have you considered something like Mindjam?

If you do go down the EOTAS route you don’t have to provide the provision in F, the LA do.

@ThomasWasTortured What does a sensory OT assessment do?

DC isn't really a sensory seeker or avoider, it's more that they don't like the school environment or are to anxious to access it.

That sounds really difficult and it's not surprising you're finding things hard.

Would you and your ex be able to present a united front and take your DC together to school, even just for a short period to make it clear that school is compulsory ?
When they stay at home, what would happen if you removed the TV and radio, just gave school work to do and made staying at home as boring as possible ?

Have you tried asking precisely what they don't like about school, sometimes children have random worries / fears that a parent would never guess (although it is very difficult sometimes getting this info out of them

@LeavesOnTrees ExH will not do the school run or have weekday contact, he lives close enough to do it but won't. He won't even pick up from school on a Friday, he picks up from me at 6pm, and the courts allowed this (we went a few years ago now but I doubt much would change)

They can't tell me what bothers them about school and school have tried and they say nothing. They're literally fine once in school, will stay with their class, aren't defiant or badly behaved, a bit quiet and won't ask for help but nothing unusual but will attempt the work. They do push back against being offered help as well and are much better if offered the help in a small group/as a class than 1-1 but school say thats workable around.

They won't do school work outside of school. If I turn off the TV and Radio they just sit there shouting or banging against something (with their foot or hand not their head) because they like the noise. They completely ignore any work put in front of them. Which is another reason I am hesistent about EOTAS/Home School but will discuss with school and council when I call early review.

A sensory OT assessment will look at sensory differences (these won’t always be obvious), how that is affecting DC’s life (including by contributing to anxiety and/or EBSA), adjustments that can be made and look at whether ongoing sensory integration OT will be beneficial. There are certain things in your posts that indicate it would be worthwhile.

Punishing EBSA wont be helpful.

They're literally fine once in school

Are they really fine though or are the ‘fine’ (i.e. quiet, compliant, masking, flying under the radar)? If they were really fine there wouldn’t be EBSA.