AIBU to get irritated at my nice mum?

[TheBerry]

My mum is a genuinely good person, and we are close. She’d do anything for me, I can always turn to her, she’s compassionate and empathic, and she has no ego or vindictiveness.

On the other hand, she can be a little over-sensitive, a bit opinionated, and… a bit annoying.

I am not the only person who thinks this. My dad, my exs, and even some of her friends get irritated with her. I feel terrible when I do, because she doesn’t deserve it, and they’re only minor annoyances, but they’re just… constant. She doesn’t seem to understand why people find it annoying.

Just one example from yesterday. I was putting my baby in his car seat and the car was on my mum’s quiet residential road. A van drove up as I was midway through strapping the baby in and the driver didn’t have space to get past with my door open, so I waved at him “sorry” and strapped the baby in and shut the door asap. It took less than 10 seconds. My mum was standing next to me and saw all this but still felt the need to say, “Somebody IS waiting, actually.” As if she thought that somehow I hadn’t seen the van, waved apologetically, and strapped the baby in as quickly as I could.

I did find it irritating and snapped, “Mum, you KNOW I’ve seen the van and I’m clearly going as fast as I can.”

I did apologise and she obviously said it was fine, but I feel bad because there are just constant small things like that and I always find myself getting irritable with her.

How can I control my annoyance?? Or is there some way of making her stop saying this sort of thing?? She’s 73 so probably won’t change. I think when she says things like that it actually comes from a place of anxiety, and I suspect she may be slightly on the spectrum, but it always comes across as if she assumes the recipient is too thick/incompetent to have noticed or done the obvious thing. The kicker is that she is actually quite a vague person, and far more likely to do illogical or dubious things than a lot of other people I know.

YABU - your mum is a good person, doesn’t deserve your annoyance, and you need to find a way to control yourself - either ignore the comments, or laugh them off - they’re harmless

YANBU - it would annoy me too and you should point out to your mum why it’s unhelpful to say stuff like that

You sound very critical and hard work. So, she's a decent person but not perfect and occasionally does things that slightly irritate you...big deal. She's a human being.

I can’t help you as I’m exactly the same. Please do tell me if you find a solution 😊

YANBU. I bet your mom knows you love her, and the fact that you're aware of your annoyance is positive. We are all human - your mom, who speaks out of anxiety, and you, who get annoyed. As long as you apologize for any hurt feelings, I think it's fine. You're family.

You're right. Your mother's comment was no way to talk to an adult.

She'll maybe never change, but snapping at her is worth a try!

It's not very nice though.
There was no need for her to interfere, she used it as an opportunity to criticise you.

I would just reply " I've got it, thanks"

There was another thread about this recently, it called White Knight syndrome and is a form of PA behaviour.

I think sometimes we have to stop viewing them as 'mum' and give them as much grace as we would give a friend. My mum had her faults and I could be critical of her (in my own head) in a way I wouldn't be critical to a friend. So basically just started trying to ignore her irritating little ways, because I'm sure I'm irritating too.

She genuinely doesn’t mean it critically, I know that (she’s actually an extremely supportive person, it’s one of the loveliest things about her), she is just a bit anxious and highly strung, and she’s thinking “oh no, a van is waiting” and then can’t help verbalising her anxiety. She doesn’t say it in a mean tone of voice or anything.

Is PA passive aggressive? That makes sense - she can be a little passive aggressive (and I’m quite sure she has no idea she’s doing it).

Thank you, very true - I’m so much more tolerant of my friends, my bf, even my dad (who is pretty undeniably a less good person than my mum).

Much as anyone annoys me I could never imagine being so critical to my mother. You say what a good mother then pull her to shreds what a daughter you are. Maybe she didn't see you acknowledge van and was letting you know. Tbh to discuss your mother in such a disrespectful way and I'm a young person is appalling. Maybe learn to hold your tounge and be a decent daughter!!

I think at least part of it is that your own parents can become almost unbearably irritating past a certain age.

With my dad, he would obsess endlessly about bins. When did they need to be put out, what colour bin, had it changed with a bank holiday. As it turned out, the last time I saw him was an Easter holiday and it felt like he just droned on about bins for the entire visit. Then he died a few weeks later, very suddenly and unexpectedly and OMG - it’s very sad but I have to admit I don’t miss the bin angst!

Yes passive aggressive.
You are an adult, you are dealing with the situation fine.
No need for her to step in and criticise.
Saying " I've got this, thank you" is firm but polite.

So she’s anxious and a bit lacking in social skills. Maybe undiagnosed autistic. She can’t change who she is. I feel a bit sorry for her actually, everyone in her life being so irritated with her…

Since you say she's a generally nice and supportive person then it's probably 1.her anxiety and then a need to express it/avoid it (like an asthmatic coughing when you come in in a cloud of perfume, it's not necessarily a criticism,but an involuntary reaction) or 2.rather than seeing you as thick/incapable, she still sees you as her daughter and as such still her responsibility to a certain extent. Probably a mix of both , which tend to feed on each other.

To deal with it, try and remind yourself it's her coping mechanism and a reflection of her needs , not you.

My mum is awful so with her it would definitely be because she doesn't think much about my ability of being an adult.

You know why she does it / says it.....its because she's anxious and needs to verbalise her anxiety.

You know it's not a criticism of YOU

It's simply verbalising an inner angst about the situation which is happening

You know she's generally amazing and kind and supportive

Really.....its not rocket science to accept her for who she is and find humour and love in her annoying little ways

I wonder if you have annoying little ways,too, OP?

I think you are over thinking it.

She is lovely and annoying. (no one is perfect)

You love her and find her irritating. (No one is perfect)

Sometimes you have tense exchanges. No relationship is perfect. But yours sounds generally lovely.

I found as my mum got older she became more irritating and I became more irritated. Until eventually I realised this was part of her getting old and then I became more consciously patient, but it's hard!!

Thanks all. Seem to have split the crowd on this one!

As some people have suggested, I think I should just respond to these comments in a short but polite way. Just something like “I’ve got it, thanks” or “don’t worry, it’s fine”. That should assuage her anxiety, hopefully, but maybe also shut the comments down without being rude.

Thank you everyone for your helpful input!

Has she always been critical? I think responding the way you have is telling that there's more to the story?

No, she’s not critical at all (certainly not to me). She’s very supportive. I think it just annoys me when she says things which are unnecessary or self-evident.

I'm nearly as old as your Mum and I probably would be irritated with YOU for having the door open road side and sorting your child out roadside which is dangerous. I would either have ensured the car seat was kerbside to avoid inconveniencing anyone else or would have popped child in the seat and then got in the other side to secure him..more faff doing the latter but you wouldn't have blocked the road. Not saying I'm right by any means but it's a different perspective.