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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance

28 replies

Zeroperspective · 12/05/2023 18:17

I escaped an abusive relationship last year, coercive control, emotional, verbal, financial and (rarely) physical abuse (I know even one instance of physical abuse is one too many but I wanted to be clear that the physical was rare to give a fuller picture)
Since I left there have been MANY instances of continued abuse, threats and control and there is currently zero contact between dad and the children at his request (although in the last week he has said he didn't mean it and wants contact) in the past 10 months he has inconsistently paid a set sum each month but is now trying to change the terms again (in my opinion to assert control/attempt contact with me)
Instead of transferring the money into my account he is trying to give me a code which I take to the cashpoint and withdraw the money directly from his account
I don't want to do this tbh. I don't " need " the money as I budget with the expectation he will not contribute due to previous issues with him making and breaking promises in regards to maintenance money for the children, that said the money is for the children and could go towards their expenses.

YABU - it's money for the children go to the cashpoint
YANBU - he can transfer the money he's just trying to assert control

I'm seeing my solicitor again next week but wanted opinions in the meantime
Also for information;
the code has to be used in a set time frame which he will set

There is no point going through CMS as the calculator shows he will have to pay a lot less or nothing at all

Happy to answer questions to clarify anything and thanks for making it to the end!

OP posts:
Hesma · 12/05/2023 18:19

He’s just trying to control you still. Get your solicitor on the case.

jackstini · 12/05/2023 18:21

He's still trying to control you, which is incredibly frustrating and annoying

But - for now, do the cash point thing and don't engage in any conversation. Just read the code, use it, put towards the kids, pretend you don't care and then speak to your solicitor next week

Has he done this before? It's not something I've ever heard of

TeaKitten · 12/05/2023 18:21

considering he’s abusive and you don’t need the money I’d go through CMS anyway. I wouldn’t do the cash point thing, is it even legal to do it? What if he claimed he hadn’t given you permission? Sounds dodgy to me.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/05/2023 18:26

It’s very clearly with the sole object of asserting control/ making your life difficult.

I don’t know what the right answer is - it does sound like CMS would make life much easier

Original poster
Zeroperspective · 12/05/2023 18:41

He's screenshot me the code and its a thing that our bank does that is common here so no concern on the legalities. Its the first time he's attempted to " pay me " this way, previously its been either no money, bank transfer or promise of cash which has then never been handed over

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 12/05/2023 18:53

Why can't he just do a bank transfer?

Where on earth is this code thing common? If it wasn't for you saying that I'd think it was another attempt to control you and make you jump through hoops.

Original poster
Zeroperspective · 12/05/2023 18:57

I don't know why he won't do a bank transfer as he has done previously during our marriage and since I've left. The code is common as in if you've lost your bank card or your child is out and needs cash etc then via online banking you can request a code and use it at the cash point without a debit card, you just select the option and then tap the code in to get the cash

OP posts:
Original poster
Zeroperspective · 12/05/2023 19:00

I've attached an edited pic to hopefully show/explain how it works

Child maintenance
OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 12/05/2023 19:05

Zeroperspective · 12/05/2023 18:41

He's screenshot me the code and its a thing that our bank does that is common here so no concern on the legalities. Its the first time he's attempted to " pay me " this way, previously its been either no money, bank transfer or promise of cash which has then never been handed over

..... so on average, was it still higher than going through cms?

Daleksatemyshed · 12/05/2023 19:06

He's still a control freak Op, he probably loves the idea of you going to the cashpoint to see if you get any money for your DC. If you're in the UK then go to the CMS and get it deducted from his wages. He's never going to be reasonable with you, he's spent too much time having his own way and he'll never give that up unless he has no other choice.

Original poster
Zeroperspective · 12/05/2023 19:09

Yes CMS was a nominal or zero amount so what he's " offering " to pay is more if he actually consistently paid it! Its about 3 times the amount he would be ordered to pay through them

The money has to be in his account to get a code so he could easily select the make a payment option instead of the get a code option if that makes sense?

OP posts:
CadburyDream · 12/05/2023 19:13

Just get the money, people on here are obsessed with cms not realising that some of us would be entitled to nothing. If he tries to say anything you will have messages to prove it

Original poster
Zeroperspective · 12/05/2023 19:13

Daleksatemyshed · 12/05/2023 19:06

He's still a control freak Op, he probably loves the idea of you going to the cashpoint to see if you get any money for your DC. If you're in the UK then go to the CMS and get it deducted from his wages. He's never going to be reasonable with you, he's spent too much time having his own way and he'll never give that up unless he has no other choice.

Yes UK based, he doesn't work and it's a lot less through CMS then accepting what he offers now, although on other side of that with it not being court ordered CMS could end up being more as there's several months I've received nothing.

At the moment CMS would rile him up and he would pay only what he's ordered whereas if I don't take that route then he has set an amount that is higher than the calculations show he has to pay so the DC benefit more (if he actually pays it 🙄)

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 12/05/2023 19:14

I'd question why he suddenly wants to be so generous @Zeroperspective. Why would a man who was financial abusive suddenly want to give you money when the CMS wouldn't make him do it? Is there something he wants - more contact with the DC, to look good in your eyes, does he have a new GF and wants to show her how he's a good man really? I know it sounds uncharitable but most people don't change that much- there is a payoff for him somewhere- you're the only person really who would know what that was

Original poster
Zeroperspective · 12/05/2023 19:21

@Daleksatemyshed in my opinion it's to show the world " look at me I'm a great dad and I pay for my kids "

I went through my bank statements 2 months ago and added up that since I left him I have paid him just over double what he has paid me. I know I'm a f**ing idiot, my only defence is that the payments I sent to him were when I first left and was still being controlled by him, I've sent nothing in the last 6 months but he still has a long way to go before we reach £0 and then go into him giving me more money than I have given him 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
CatRatSplat · 12/05/2023 19:26

I would be worried with the code that he knows where you would go to withdraw the money and try to make contact with you. Is this possible?

VimFuego101 · 12/05/2023 19:31

CatRatSplat · 12/05/2023 19:26

I would be worried with the code that he knows where you would go to withdraw the money and try to make contact with you. Is this possible?

I wondered the same thing. I assume his bank statement will show where you made the withdrawal.

Original poster
Zeroperspective · 12/05/2023 19:31

@CatRatSplat yes he would know as there are only 2 places locally I could go and he would know after the event which one I'd been to but he wouldn't be waiting at either cash point for me at this time as he is out of town. Its certainly a possible concern for the future but not in this particular instance. I haven't responded to any of his messages since his last " I want no contact with you or the DC " so in my mind this is his way of " making " me respond to a message and controlling me by " making " me work to get the money (I know that sounds dramatic!)

OP posts:
Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum · 12/05/2023 19:33

Firstly, I'm so happy that you've left safely. Secondly, it's absolutely about control and I'd get your solicitor and CMS to handle it.

CatRatSplat · 12/05/2023 19:38

I really think this code / cash withdrawal way is not a good idea given the extra information. Get advice and try to get a stop to it.

Original poster
Zeroperspective · 12/05/2023 19:39

@Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum thank you it wasn't easy but the children and I are much happier

I think I will end up going down the CMS route simply to take away the control element as tbh I'd rather be having fun with the DC than giving headspace wondering if I'm being unreasonable or not, as my username suggests I've lost all perspective as he's gaslighted me so many times over the years

OP posts:
BellaJuno · 12/05/2023 19:42

Zeroperspective · 12/05/2023 19:39

@Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum thank you it wasn't easy but the children and I are much happier

I think I will end up going down the CMS route simply to take away the control element as tbh I'd rather be having fun with the DC than giving headspace wondering if I'm being unreasonable or not, as my username suggests I've lost all perspective as he's gaslighted me so many times over the years

This is what I’d do and think of any drop in money by going through CMS as a price worth paying to be independent of him.

Original poster
Zeroperspective · 12/05/2023 19:46

@BellaJuno as I'm processing that's the conclusion I'm coming to and it could end up actually being an increase in money as he's let the DC down so many times by not paying anything! (Obviously the DC are blissfully unaware, I say let them down rather than let me down simply because it's money for their benefit, I have not and never will badmouth their dad to them or within their earshot)

OP posts:
Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum · 12/05/2023 19:52

@Zeroperspective bless you. I can't wait to be free of my nutcase and I really relate to the gaslighting, you aren't alone. I've been with the arsehole for 4 and a half years and I only realised I was being abused about 6 weeks ago, until then, I thought I was the problem.

Original poster
Zeroperspective · 12/05/2023 19:58

@Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum there's still occasions I believe it's all in my head and it wasn't that bad/I'm the one at fault, but I'm working on that and it's getting easier to see things more clearly. I hope you find a way to leave safely and soon, it was hard but it's been so worth it. My DC are both completely different children now, even their teachers have commented on it, they are more relaxed and happier. I thought I was protecting them and they had no idea but seeing the difference in their behaviour now compared to then I clearly wasn't protecting them at all

OP posts: