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Original poster

To regret all the time I spent worrying about breastfeeding?

32 replies

Feefooo · 12/05/2023 12:08

It's coming up to my DDs 10th birthday so reflecting on my parenting journey so far. One of my regrets is how I felt so guilty about combi feeding. I just couldn't cope with the constant cluster feeding. If I could go back I would comfort myself that you are doing well and it's OK.

My DD today is turning into a beautiful kind lady she's doing so well in school work , excellent at art and has good manners. She's tall, healthy weight.
I think I did well and I'm so proud of her. I regret spending so much time worrying about it when it didn't really matter as much as people said 10 years later.

OP posts:
Gtsr443 · 12/05/2023 13:39

YANBU I was very upset that I couldn't breast feed satisfactorily particularly out of one breast. We struggled on for ages until I opted for bottle. It transpired I had breast cancer. A lot of time wasted feeling very guilty.

Original poster
Feefooo · 12/05/2023 13:39

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 12/05/2023 13:15

How awful to be short, obese and thick. My Mum breastfed me and I've ended up all of the above. Oh well. I'm sure she had a wonderful 'parenting journey'.

Actually I didn't say those things , those things were said to me while I was struggling.

OP posts:
Scalessayeek · 12/05/2023 13:43

I’ve had two breastfeeding failures. First ended at six weeks and the second at eleven weeks. With my first I had horrendous guilt I’d given up too early, second I regretted not giving up sooner.

The regret for my second born was a lot easier to swallow and I would chose that any day.

bellinisurge · 12/05/2023 13:47

My dd is 16. Academically very strong, fit and healthy. Still feel a twinge of heartbreak at what I can't call anything other than my failure.

TiredOfCleaning · 12/05/2023 13:52

My older one is about to turn 13 and I recall very clearly how much pressure there was at the time. It was awful. These are some of the things that happened to me ;

  • when we did our pre-birth hospital tour it was never mentioned at all that if you thought you might bottle feed you had to bring your own formula in. I was in for 4 days due to a massive pph and DS was screaming the first night with hunger. I rang the buzzer asking for some formula and was told sniffily; 'It's expected that you try and establish breatsfeeding'. A night cleaner ended up going to get me a bit of formula and told me to not tell anyone. Next day i got DH to bring in as much of the aptimel forumla packs as he could carry
  • constantly being told that breastfeeding was best and ff being spoken about with such disapproval it was like you were trying to feed your posion
  • I said from the start I wanted to mix feed (bf never got established for me.... one memorable day I pumped for nearly 3 hours in front of a star wars movie and got less than 20 mls of milk). Yet the hv always wrote down 'exclusively breastfed' on my notes and in the redbook. Totally incorrect.
  • had a neighbour actually tell me with disgust that I was 'lazy' for formula feeding. And tell me with pride that HIS Dils of course pushed trhough the pain barrier. Fuck off neighbour.
  • Had a (now former) friend who used to be a breastfeeding counsellor take it as her personal mission to 'encourage' breastfeeding which apparently meant texting me gtwice a day to say 'have you tried harder to feed yet?'. Literally.
  • Queen Bee of the local baby and toddler groups would say loudly that she made sure she kept gong through the early days of bf as she only wanted to the best for her baby. It took me longer than it ought to realise she was oddly competitive about everything... over this and various milestones. My son is autistic and has learning difficulties (the latter due to a birth injury) and this even as a toddler was clearly obvious yet she would be competitive over whose child spoke first (hers.... mine was non-verbal until 5) whose was weaned first (hers), whose walked first (hers, mine could not walk until nearly 2) etc. On one occasion she asked me if I thought my lack of breastfeeding might be the cuase of his developmental delays. (No, that would be the lack of oxygen at birth).

These are only some examples that stand out in my memory. But looking back it seemed that every time I met someone new they would ask if i was breastfeeding. It seems so odd now.

I was overwhelmed, scared and just could not bf. I felt such a failure. It used to wind me up so much that when DS would wake up I would start to sob becaue I could not bear the thought of trying to feed again. I had terrible PND and this definitely was a contributing factor.

Second child- I said from the start I was not even going to try bf. Just grey rocked anyone who thought otherwise. The whole experience was better, calmer, more relaxed, happiner.

I do regret that i was so stressed about it with DS1. I regret the time I lost. But I did not know any better- and certainly did not have the advantage of experience at that point.

I am so pleased for women who were able to bf and more to the point- love / loved it. That is wonderful for them. I hope it is a lesser thing nowadays but I did feel in 'my day' that there was a stigma to ff. Hopefully that is not the case anymore. I also hope that any woman who feels shame, guilt or sadness over not breastfeeding for any reason knows that actually- like most mothers we are all just muddling along trying to do out best.

Iknowthis1 · 12/05/2023 13:54

Use this perspective to reassure and encourage any new mums that you come across.

Original poster
Feefooo · 12/05/2023 14:54

TiredOfCleaning · 12/05/2023 13:52

My older one is about to turn 13 and I recall very clearly how much pressure there was at the time. It was awful. These are some of the things that happened to me ;

  • when we did our pre-birth hospital tour it was never mentioned at all that if you thought you might bottle feed you had to bring your own formula in. I was in for 4 days due to a massive pph and DS was screaming the first night with hunger. I rang the buzzer asking for some formula and was told sniffily; 'It's expected that you try and establish breatsfeeding'. A night cleaner ended up going to get me a bit of formula and told me to not tell anyone. Next day i got DH to bring in as much of the aptimel forumla packs as he could carry
  • constantly being told that breastfeeding was best and ff being spoken about with such disapproval it was like you were trying to feed your posion
  • I said from the start I wanted to mix feed (bf never got established for me.... one memorable day I pumped for nearly 3 hours in front of a star wars movie and got less than 20 mls of milk). Yet the hv always wrote down 'exclusively breastfed' on my notes and in the redbook. Totally incorrect.
  • had a neighbour actually tell me with disgust that I was 'lazy' for formula feeding. And tell me with pride that HIS Dils of course pushed trhough the pain barrier. Fuck off neighbour.
  • Had a (now former) friend who used to be a breastfeeding counsellor take it as her personal mission to 'encourage' breastfeeding which apparently meant texting me gtwice a day to say 'have you tried harder to feed yet?'. Literally.
  • Queen Bee of the local baby and toddler groups would say loudly that she made sure she kept gong through the early days of bf as she only wanted to the best for her baby. It took me longer than it ought to realise she was oddly competitive about everything... over this and various milestones. My son is autistic and has learning difficulties (the latter due to a birth injury) and this even as a toddler was clearly obvious yet she would be competitive over whose child spoke first (hers.... mine was non-verbal until 5) whose was weaned first (hers), whose walked first (hers, mine could not walk until nearly 2) etc. On one occasion she asked me if I thought my lack of breastfeeding might be the cuase of his developmental delays. (No, that would be the lack of oxygen at birth).

These are only some examples that stand out in my memory. But looking back it seemed that every time I met someone new they would ask if i was breastfeeding. It seems so odd now.

I was overwhelmed, scared and just could not bf. I felt such a failure. It used to wind me up so much that when DS would wake up I would start to sob becaue I could not bear the thought of trying to feed again. I had terrible PND and this definitely was a contributing factor.

Second child- I said from the start I was not even going to try bf. Just grey rocked anyone who thought otherwise. The whole experience was better, calmer, more relaxed, happiner.

I do regret that i was so stressed about it with DS1. I regret the time I lost. But I did not know any better- and certainly did not have the advantage of experience at that point.

I am so pleased for women who were able to bf and more to the point- love / loved it. That is wonderful for them. I hope it is a lesser thing nowadays but I did feel in 'my day' that there was a stigma to ff. Hopefully that is not the case anymore. I also hope that any woman who feels shame, guilt or sadness over not breastfeeding for any reason knows that actually- like most mothers we are all just muddling along trying to do out best.

Interesting my friend has just had her second baby 8 year age gap and she says there was no mention of BF at all. She said I'm combi and that's that the midwives and HV didn't try to push it at all. The first time was yes very OTT I'm not sure if it's because she's a second time mum or they don't bother as much anymore.

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