Breakdown and refusing help

[PPSWife]

Has anyone been through a breakdown or had someone close to them go through a breakdown where they refused to get help?

My husband is currently having one, diagnosed as having anxiety and depression (with pretty severe physical symptoms) but doesn’t see the problem is with himself and instead blames everyone else, will fight the suggestion that he’s having a breakdown and is dismissive of professionals. No amount of encouragement to seek professional help from anyone makes any difference.

I’ve spoken to a psychologist about it in detail and she has said that it seems that things will probably get a lot worse (even though it may seem to me that they can’t) before he realises he needs help. I think she seemed to be suggesting he may become suicidal as she said I should “keep an eye on him”. He is looking to cut everyone out of his life, family and friends already done pretty much and I am next, as he’s looking to separate from me. He thinks separation will help, but I’m very skeptical about this based on what I know.

I’m wondering whether anyone has been through anything similar in terms of refusal to get help?

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this! Unfortunately it can be a characteristic of severe mental health difficulties to feel there is no problem, or that the problem is due to external factors and not anything personal to the individual. Is there anything that seems to have triggered this? Unfortunately it is also the case that hitting "rock bottom" (from the person's perspective) may be what's necessary before they are motivated to reflect that they may need outside help. Why is he unhappy and what does he think will make him happy? Does he have a history of mental health or general difficulties, or is this very out of character?

@Pigglesworth Thanks for your response. No history of mental health issues, To me when I look at timelines the trigger really seems to be difficulties at work (a sort off demotion followed by discussions around terminating his employment) which have ultimately resulted in him resigning without anything else lined up, Nothing else has happened in the last year in terms of changing circumstances or conflict. He refuses to acknowledge the impact of the work stuff and plays it down. There have been other stressors over the last few years eg bereavements, dealing with a false grievance about discrimination at work etc so maybe they also contributed. Anyway from his perspective somehow in the last year he has realised that he grew up in an environment where he was taught to repress what he felt and all his repressed emotions have suddenly boiled over. He now feels the need to try to be a “real” person and he needs space from everyone to do that. Obviously it’s a positive thing to recognise that’s not a healthy way to live your life, but to want to destroy every significant relationship in your life as a result and isolate yourself seems like a pretty extreme response. In a nutshell the unhappiness is around an identity issue his parents created (something he is extremely angry about), resentment towards siblings for all moving away and leaving him with elderly parents, sense that friends don’t really care and being bitter that he never stood up for himself in our marriage because he didn’t want to upset me. There are the other usual signs of depression & anxiety eg loss of enjoyment, low self esteem and panic attacks etc. “Rock bottom” does scare me but I really don’t think he can fix this without professional help.

I'm also really sorry you're going through this. I don't think I can help but please look after your own wellbeing - it sounds incredibly difficult. You could try speaking to another professional or looking for groups online.

@HungryandIknowit Thanks, appreciate it. I actually reached out to the psychologist for myself because initially I was just so shocked and confused by everything. To give context we ended up discussing his situation in some detail and it reassured me that I and everyone else around him is right to think there’s a breakdown happening. Sometimes I was buying into his narrative that it was not a mental health issue. Anyway the psychologist acknowledged that it’s an extremely difficult situation to be in - to see someone you love breaking down and being completely helpless. I’m looking after myself as best as I can through keeping busy at work, spending time with my kids, hobbies and socialising even though I don’t always feel like it. Still have moments off feeling very sad every day and wondering if there’s anything I could do, but I guess that’s unavoidable.

I hope he accepts help soon. Take care of yourself! All the best.

I'm sorry to hear about this and thanks for providing the further details! I wonder if, despite the breakdown, maybe him actually living out what he thinks he needs (i.e. having space/being alone), could help him to realise (in time) that others are not the source of all his problems. He does sound like someone who has repressed his emotions for a long time and yes perhaps the work situation made him realise he was not valued to the level he expected/that reflected the investment of effort he put in. It sounds very tough; I really hope he can be open to receiving the right professional help to work through his feelings.