Mental load of being the preferred parent

[Aprilsh0wers]

Embarrassingly, I am writing one of ‘those’ posts and have name changed because I’m currently embarrassed that this is my life.

I am so burnt out and resentful of my partner and need to know if I’m blurred by the tiredness or not because my partner seems to feel very sorry for himself indeed.

Some background, me and partner work full time in the same industry, roughly 40 hours a week. I drop DD to pre school, pick her up when needed, take my lieu day to catch up on all our shopping and housework, put her to bed every night, wake up with her every morning (usually 6am while he sleeps until 7am), take care of all household bills, budget, organise everything to do with school, parties, social events etc. So essentially, he may cook one or two nights a week and load the dishwasher. He will pick DD up from school if I ask him to. In fact, he will do lots if I ask him to, but why am I having to ask?

DD gets easily frustrated at him and always asks for mummy and will scream and cry if he try’s to put her to bed. The problem is he gives up so easily and doesn’t change his approach to make it fun, he will just argue back with her like a child and say things like ‘daddy’s just trying to help’ and then walks out.

I get so fed up of his victim hood. This morning I was shattered. I have been very unwell this week and I am also 8 months pregnant. I have been waking up with DD and co sleeping with her because she’s been crying in the night and won’t settle for my partner. He then tried to get her dressed and she started having a tantrum and he stormed in to me saying he can’t cope and how hard it is not being able to help. I said maybe you could help by doing any of the other things I take care of as that would make a huge difference to me. He then said he can’t walk in any room in our house because of the ‘horrible energy’ from me and DD. She’s 4. She will tantrum and it escalated because he responds in childish ways rather than talks her down. I feel mentally done because I’m not giving a horrible energy, I am just fucked from the constant pressure of everything and doing more than my fair share plus working the same hours as him.

He also is entitled to a lieu day every week which he never takes becuase he’s ‘so busy’ with work. So he never spends any time catching up on housework like I have to. I only get my Lieu day because I put boundaries in place with work and take what I’m entitled to so that our house doesn’t look like shit all the time.

I just can’t stand his victim hood of how hard it is for him being pushed out when he does NOTHING to rectify the issue other than give in and storm out. It’s killing our intimacy becuase I am in constant care taker mode. I have organised everything for our baby also, he literally has no idea what else we need or what we have so far. I may as well be a fucking single parent.

I get where you are coming from being the preferred parent. We are just a year ahead of you with a 1 and 5 year old and I’m the preferred parent…they just gravitate to me at weekends and it’s stressful and does cause resentment! However, things we do that help. DH picks up all other jobs over the weekend - so he does pet care, all shopping meal planning and cooking, laundry etc. when number 2 came along we had a Frank discussion as I was in May leave getting burnt out and we now alternate bedtimes - so one night he does and the next night I do. DD 5 didn’t like it at first but she just had to get used to it…

Sorry was doing school run and forgot to say, also can you plan time away from the house just for you? We have arranged to carve out time at the weekends as ‘me time’ to go for a run etc. and I also make sure I plan lots of afternoons out with friends and a few weekends away so he’s forced to have them! This has helped our relationship a lot, if you don’t put your foot down now it’ll get 100x worse when there are two of them..

YABU because “I drop DD to pre school, pick her up when needed, take my lieu day to catch up on all our shopping and housework, put her to bed every night, wake up with her every morning (usually 6am while he sleeps until 7am), take care of all household bills, budget, organise everything to do with school, parties, social events etc.” … why?

Like, just stop and take some control of your life.

The best advice anyone can give to any new mother is ‘don’t be the expert’ and this is a prime example.
Your child is still young enough to change things.

Also agree that it’s an intimacy killer, there is nothing more unattractive than a man who doesn’t pull their weight around the house

You have to walk away and let your husband find his way with your daughter. When you are always there, she has a choice. Go out for a hour at bedtime.
they will form their own bond. This might happen naturally when the baby arrives.

This isnt from being the preferred parent. Being the preferred parent doesnt stop the other parent doing stuff with the child and doesnt stop the other parent doing things like housework etc.

Split the jobs more evenly. He doesnt need to use his in lieu day, presumably he could do this at weekends or after work. I worked yesterday evening til 8 and then hoovered and mopped the floor.

As for your daughter. Ask him to read a book like how to talk so little kids will listen and practice the techniques. He may be lazy (which sounds the case given the housework) but it may also be that he has no confidence. Find some fun activity for them to do together. He will only get away from being the preferred parent if he puts the work in. If he doesn't put the work in because he isn't a preferred parent then it's a downward spiral.