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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Toddler group

22 replies

Wafflessyrup · 12/05/2023 06:41

My son goes to this toddler group which he loved and the women are lovely and friendly.
last time we went my son wondered off to the food but where all the kids sit, I followed him but couldn’t get through the gap as it’s so busy, some older man said do you want to sit here? Picked him up put him in the chair and just started leaning over him playing with him as if he knew him. Blocking me from sitting with my son.

I felt extremely uncomfortable he had the audacity to pick up my son when we’ve never spoke and he’s a stranger. (If it was one of my friends I’ve made or the kind lady who runs it this would be completely different)

I didn’t say anything which I regret I just took my son away from the situation.
I now don’t want to go as he’s there every week and a bit too comfortable for my liking, just because we’re in a playgroup doesn’t mean he can do this, it’s not nursery he’s not a nursery worker

i don’t believe the man was just being friendly as he is way too comfortable there, I don’t even know how to approach it with the lady who runs it as I don’t want to come across highly strung but I don’t want a stranger holding my child and blocking me away.

OP posts:

MRex · 12/05/2023 06:52

He possibly didn't even know you were there and was just keeping your kid occupied to try to help. In a playgroup we used you go to there were a couple of older male volunteers and they all seemed fine. Male and female volunteers would all play a bit with the toddlers, putting a kid on a chair and chatting a bit sounds normal to me; one of the groups had stacks of ikea antilops and benches, so helpers would just pop the kids in at random as they gathered for the snack. It's possible that you are over-stressing just because he's a man, or that you've picked up on something. Just keep a close eye and see how you feel next time.

Bingbangbongbash · 12/05/2023 06:53

So a friendly man at a playgroup played with your child? Why is this an issue? Because he’s a man? Isn’t the point of playgroups to socialise with other children and adults? I don’t get the issue at all, but if you don’t like your child being around other people, maybe stay at home.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 12/05/2023 06:55

"Blocking" you. Really?

I assume he is a volunteer there and not a random man who wanders in off the street?

MrsHsGirl · 12/05/2023 06:56

So the man saw your son was without an adult and therefore unable to get on the seat so helped him, and you are offended by this?

I personally don't think this is a problem. It sounds like a supportive group where people help one another, which is similar to pretty much all playgroups I have attended.

However, you of course need to parent your child as you see fit so it is probably better either not to go again, or make sure that your toddler is not more than an arms length away from you to prevent anyone from helping him again and causing you any offence/concern

Merrow · 12/05/2023 06:56

Is it just because it's a man? If I saw a toddler by the food at a playgroup without an obvious adult with them I'd help them on to a seat on the assumption there might be a sibling or other reason that no one was immediately with them. It sounds a quite free for all set up rather than an organised activity?

mutleyschuckle · 12/05/2023 06:58

He sounds like my lovely grandad who absolutely loves playing games with all his grandchildren (& in fact when we are out he is generally surrounded by children who want to play- he's such a big kid himself)
I can't imagine this man snuck in a toddler group with the sole purpose of splitting you & your son up, much more likely he's there with his own child/grandchild, saw your child wanting to play there & popped him on a chair & included him. The toddler groups i used to go to most of the mumswere trying to sit round the edges drinking a tea for a bit while the children played with the few dads there. perhaps he thought that's what you were doing & thought he was helping. You were right there so I'm not sure what you think was going to happen & if your child wasn't upset I'd honestly let it go. I'm not trying to be mean but would you feel the same if it was about her mum or a helper at the group who had behaved the same way? It would be a shame to stop a group you both like as some can be really clicky because somebody else helped your child onto a seat & played with them.

Tandora · 12/05/2023 06:58

You are being really weird about this imo. I don’t understand the issue. It sounds like he was trying to help the boy and play with him. It’s a playgroup 💁🏼‍♀️. He wasn’t some random man, he’s there every week.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 12/05/2023 06:59

He wasn't stopping you from picking up your child. Literally just go over and say "excuse me il grab him now". It appears to me that you have made zero effort whatsoever to remove your child from the situation, you need to speak up and be far more assertive.
I would go again, but if you notice a repeat of this behaviour from him &/or a gut feeling creepy vibe from him then I'd keep well away. It sounds a bit too vague to comment to the group leaders, unless you witness him deliberately attempting to grab your child on multiple occasions.
I left a Church toddler group because of this I felt a man was a bit overly physical with my son and I was getting weird vibes. I have no issue with most men playing with my son btw it was just this particular one.

LT2 · 12/05/2023 07:03

I talk to other toddlers when I take my son to toddler group.. is that weird? I'm shy so I want to encourage children to talk and be confident to others. I don't think he did anything wrong. Agree with the others. Would you judge him this way if he was female?🤔

Bellabon · 12/05/2023 07:14

Agree with everyone else on the post. I don't think there is anything sinister and it wouldn't even cross my mind. Like everyone else said, he probably saw a child without their parent at that point in timr who he thought he would help onto a chair
That's it. I also engage with other children in playgroups, perhaps this also makes me strange!

VivaVivaa · 12/05/2023 07:14

He sounds like a friendly person who was trying to help your son out when you weren’t around? And surely he’s either one of the helpers of there with either his DC or GDC, not just some random person of the street? I think you are blowing this way out of proportion if so.

pyjamalife · 12/05/2023 07:18

Hey OP, I think you're getting a hard time.

I, too, would be annoyed/weirded out for a random person to pick up my child and start talking to him.

This is where lessons in stranger danger etc are important and it's not that man's place to choose what boundaries you have. Different story if he interacted with you and knew you were ok with it.

And I would feel the exact same with a woman. Children shouldn't be encouraged to talk to strangers who are older than them. Volunteer or not, doesn't make someone a saint or trustworthy.

LolaSmiles · 12/05/2023 07:19

I've always helped other children out if I've been at a playgroup and found other parents/grandparents/volunteers did the same with my DC.

It's up to you how you wish to parent, but if you want to ensure that no adult helps your child out then you'll need to ensure that you are always within arm's reach of your child for the whole session.

ladydimitrescu · 12/05/2023 07:23

I think you've massively over reacted to this. If you don't want your child to be in contact with other adults, or for them to offer him assistance, then don't let him wander away from you.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 12/05/2023 07:24

I once had a conversation with a lovely old man (a customer of mine) and the topic of children came up. He said he loves children but he feels like he can't engage with them as people automatically think old men are perverts if they do so much as smile at a baby in the supermarket. This old man at your toddler group obviously didn't get the memo that old men are not to be trusted. In short yes YABU.

MiIIiex · 12/05/2023 07:34

don’t want to come across highly strung 🤣🤣

saraclara · 12/05/2023 07:34

I've read this OP several times in case I missed anything, but can't see a thing wrong. The man noticed that your son appeared to need somewhere to sit, so lifted him up and engaged with him.

Your son was in no danger. This was a public group with lots of people around. The guy was just being friendly and helpful. I'm guessing that of a woman had done the same, you wouldn't have turned a hair.

If you attend a toddler group with your child or grandchild, it's perfectly normal to look out for other children's needs as well as your own. It's also normal to engage with other people's toddlers. That's the actual benefit of a toddler group. Your child learns to socialise by attending one, and you enable other people's children to socialise with you and your child. It's part of the whole 'it takes a village' thing. And men attending with their child or grandchild is a plus, especially for children who don't have a make role model at home.

The guy was being helpful and friendly, uber the eyes of many other adults. You're very much overreacting.

Curseofthenation · 12/05/2023 07:34

You sound fricken' crazy. People help other toddlers at toddler groups all the time. I've picked up toddlers that have fallen or helped them with toys/activities if nearby. Shocking, isn't it?

Get a grip.

ChrisPPancake · 12/05/2023 07:53

Did you use your words @Wafflessyrup ?
If you can't get through somewhere you say excuse me, I'd like to get to my child please. Or something like that. Did you even speak to the man?
And had it been a woman who picked up your child would that have been ok?

rainbowunicorn · 12/05/2023 07:58

You are being ridiculous.

CurlewKate · 12/05/2023 08:16

@Wafflessyrup it depends who he was. Another parent, a helper? Absolutely fine. A random man wandering in off the street? Not fine. Which was it?

Ginger1982 · 12/05/2023 11:42

You don't want to come across as highly strung yet that is exactly how you are coming across. It's not like he tried to spirit your son away to the toilet. Why should he not feel comfortable at the group? Presumably he takes a grandchild there?

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