to ask what I will do when DS is at school and father's day/dads etc comes up?

[sulleo]

DS’s dad spent 3 years, literally, saying he wanted to see ds and then not actually doing so. Last year I made the decision to stop communicating with his father (we were in touch generally so he could know about ds in very brief ways, ie ds just got a tooth etc), in anticipation of him meeting him and building a relationship. Since I stopped communicating last December - I said just to be in touch if he actually IS going to set a date to meet him - I’ve heard nothing more. Ds will start school soon. I am extremely worried about kids talking about their dads and in particular Father’s Day… my niece recently made a card at school for her dad and was talking about it non stop, she’s 4.5.

obviously I know I can’t stop ds being exposed to all this and so far at nursery he’s never asked any questions. I feel out of my depth to deal with it and want him to feel loved and not like there’s a gap in his life. How do I manage this? Is there a good way? What do I say to the school, should I tell them?

The school should hopefully have experience of this.

Mothers/Fathers Day at my kids school is focused at the adults who take that role, so anything they do they do for grandfathers/uncles/mum as well as Daddy.

My daughter has no relationship with her Dad. It's never been an issue at school. She's always understood (13 now). On fathers day we always made a fuss of my dad, her grandad, and he's always gone to any fathers day assemblies, she made cards etc for grandad at school.

Same, my daughter took my Dad, her granddad to anything like that

School will be used to all kinds of family set-ups and will have workarounds and flexibility in such things.

Grandad, uncle, or mam ( I had a many a shirt/goitball/trophy/beer card)

Speak to a member of staff and just say that there's little contact so you'd prefer his card was made out to......

As an early yrs teacher we used to have a range ofname print outs so the child could choose without feeling singled out.

Very few families follow the traditional view now.

My child’s school has never made a fuss about any of these days. She’s in year 5 and has never brought home a Father’s Day or Mother’s Day card though they talk to them on assembly about things like that but they don’t have a fuss

Hi OP. I was like your son. It was the early 90s and I was the only child in my class with separated or divorced parents (and in my case, Dad not on the scene at all). School/Brownies etc worked round it. When we made Father's Day cards, I made one for someone I loved (it was my grandad until he died, then for other family members). Your son will be fine.

I think if he takes someone else, or you, or no one to events like these, he’ll be far from the only one.

Equally with cards - a card for grandad or whoever wouldn’t raise any eyebrows

My ExH is involved but never been bothered about Fathers Day and DD stopped bothered awhile ago.

She invites my brother (her uncle) to Fathers Day stuff at school

This happened with my dd tbf school did do special person day but kids aren't stupid and my daughter figured out she was one of the only ones not doing it to her father and they were obviously talking about it as she came out of school so upset asking what her father's colour was and favourite food. We don't have an uncle or grandad for her so she did it for her brother but he is only 8.

Does your son have positive male role models who take an active interest in his life? If he does this will help prevent him feeling he is missing out and these are the people he can celebrate. How much he feels the lack of a father is very much dependent on his personality though and it may vary throughout his life. What I mean is - its not entirely something you can "make ok" for him so please don't beat yourself up if there are times he minds.

Unfortunately op this is very common. I’d talk to the school about this when he starts but very often they are aware of different family set ups and will do a range of things for Father’s Day like ‘this can be fathers or any other special adult in your life’.

At my DS's school they do Mother's day/Special Person's day and the same for fathers day. They can choose who they think of in that context for whatever it is they're doing, whether ir's making a card or writing a letter or whatever.

My DD's nursery also are open to there being other family set ups, she often comes home talking about a friend who has two mommies, so she gets to make two mothers day cards (DD was most affronted about this, she wanted two mommies as well apparently). Or another friend who has no daddy, so he got to make a card for his uncle.

You let DS make a Fathers Day card with all the other kids and make a deal of posting it. Or he can make one for his Grandfather, who is your father.
You give him some line to say if asked about his Dad "My Dad doesn't live at our house".

Half the kids in the class will be in the same boat.

We are very used to this. We make alternatives for any male role or for mums really whoever they want to give a card to.

Schools are totally used to this, absent dads, PT dads, waste of space dads. Cards can be made for any man your child loves, a grandparent, uncle, close friend. They won't be left out.

We used the following wording in cards we made:
Any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a
. . . . . . .
(inserting name of choice at the end eg. Grampy, Grandad, Uncle Tim, etc.)

I don't think it is so much about what they will do in school - as everyone has said, schools have work arounds for this as families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes - but more getting your own answers ready for when your ds starts to ask you questions about who is Dad is and why he doesn't come and see him.

Obligatory not RTFT..

OP - I grew up as a child without a dad. I think I asked more questions at that time, but mum used to say it was never my fault and that sometimes parents fall out of love and don't see each other.

I think.

To be honest, I really don't remember a lot from my younger years regarding the sperm donor (for lack of a better work) and not knowing him.

I do remember doing stuff for Grandad for father's day.

I never felt slighted, missing out, traumatised...it was just a fact in my life - I didn't know my dad and he wasn't around. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I would bet money on you stressing more over this than he will at this age.. just have a couple of age appropriate sentences, to satisfy basic curiosity, and he'll most likely be fine with that, and carry on with whatever he was doing!