Me and my mother have a complicated relationship .... I've been in therapy for the last couple of years and gradually started to realise that a lot of the problems I'm facing currently began during my childhood. I used to think these problems were caused by not having a father figure / my step dad who I thought was my dad till I was 9 ending contact after him and my mum splitting etc...and some of it probably is. But I think most of it was how my mother treated me....some highlights to summarise
-I was put in childcare with a childminder 5 days a week from 5 weeks old...my mum said she didn't have maternity cover so had no choice. Knowing what I know now I actually think my mum couldn't cope with looking after me and went back to work early (she has grandkids now who she gets bored with after 1 hour and never looks after on her own despite saying they're everything to her etc)
-She used to talk down to me, call me stupid, called me a selfish bitch (as a very young child) and always interfered in everything making me feel incompetent
-She lied to me about who my real dad was (and lied to him)...we both found out when I was in my late 20s. Long story ...we have great relationship now and are very similar (me and my dad) but she deprived me of a lifetime of having him in my life (and him!)
-She worked away a lot when I was a young child, she was the main breadwinner and my step father quit his job to look after me. He was mostly nice to me and spent a lot more time and effort with me but did used to smack me ...not uncommon back then though. The point is mainly she didn't want to take care of me or spend time with me...and would get annoyed when I was 'clingy' after not seeing her all week or 'selfish' for wanting attention.
She's gotten a lot better over time but I still see glimmers of the old behaviour and our relationship is tense...I'm not very nice to her because I have so much angry and resentment built up that she only has to say one slight thing and it pisses me off...and probably seems out of context.
The last year or so into therapy I realised that she would never be what I want her to be...and that low / no contact would help me move forward by not constantly rubbing salt into the wound.
But now I have 3 obstacles to achieving this
- I have two young children who love her very much...so far she treats them a lot better than she did me (other than getting bored after an hour)....but I've had to tell her when she's done certain things like jokingly called one a 'dumb dumb' for getting something wrong and often says they're 'putting it on' when crying (they are 2 and 4 years old!)
-Next obstacle is I work for the family business! so does my husband...so does my step brother...you get the picture. I could walk away and have considered this but then I worry am I just doing it to 'prove a point' / get away from her but then putting my family at a disadvantage
-Her husband died 3 months ago and she is now living with us! This is only temporary but you can imagine it makes low contact pretty challenging
WTF can I do?! I feel like I want to move to the other side of the world and never speak to her again as her presence makes me feel like I'm reliving my childhood and makes me feel so anxious and low. And now things are even more enmeshed than ever...I just don't know how to get out of it. Now her husband has died I feel even more of a duty to her. I also feel like I can't stand up to her because she's obviously very fragile at the moment.
She does try sometimes and she's not as bad as she was but I just don't feel like I can move on, being around her just makes me angry. A lot of people think she's charismatic and amazing...she's rich and successful....but I honestly just think she's a very nice person and I don't feel I'll ever be able to be my own person with her around so much.
Very long rant thank you to anyone who could be bothered reading.