Excuses to fade out friends

[ArmchairLoafer]

It can sometimes be awkward being friends with people who are at very different life stages. Everyone has stuff going on and at times can’t give attention to friends because of family commitments, illness, work pressures etc ..

I know that we have to respect each other’s differences and that sometimes people really are overwhelmed and have no head space for friends. Friendships ebb and flow. People we were close to can become distant for a while and then return to us.

But sometimes it feels like people use pressures as an excuse to fade out friends they no longer want to spend time with. It’s a really convenient way to do it because you can’t argue with it. But it’s also confusing because it leaves the faded out friend thinking that they should keep making an effort.

What do you think? Am I being unreasonable?

I tend to let friendships ebb and flow as they suit the people involved. I have no children but one of my closest friends has 3 young children so is obviously not very available. I just keep in touch, usually by Whatsapp / email and every once in a while I will suggest meeting up whenever she is available. We tend to meet maybe 2 or 3 times a year and always have a great time. I am sure this will increase as her children get older.

If a friendship is important to me I see no reason to discard it due to the other person's 'busy-ness' or whatever. I just 'lightly' keep in touch, put no pressure on them and enjoy seeing them regardless of how infrequently that is.

If I felt someone was constantly making excuses or cancelling then I would simply back away gracefully. I would not keep making an effort if none was forthcoming from the other party. I have no interest in pushing myself in where I am not wanted!

Definitely confusing. I have a friend who doesn't want to meet me in person for whatever reason- too busy, too stressed- but she keeps sending me memes and forwards. I hate getting memes and forwards, so now our friendship is fizzling out. It took me a while to understand that she doesn't actually want to meet in person because she would keep sending messages.

I did this with a woman I worked with a few years ago. Lovely lovely woman, really funny, really enjoyed her friendship. Socialised outside of work etc. I should also add this was a temp job for two months.
I then left for a new role, and got sometimes 5 texts from her a day. It was too much, and I couldn't cope with it, so I told her I was too busy in my new role.
I felt awful, as I really liked her, but couldn't cope with being so overwhelmed.

I hear you.

Yes people are very odd. I reach out a few times thats it. If people non comittal I leave it. My friend was genuinely busy last year just alot on. But people are flaky I think

Can you clarify your AIBU?

If someone chooses to ‘fade’ you out as a friend, arguing about it is only going to speed up, and validate, that choice.

I was so keen not to look unreasonable that I hid my AIBU.

I have a friend who has been busy with family responsibilities for a long time. I thought it was natural that friends should come second.

Recently, a few small things have happened they have made me wonder whether it’s a one sided friendship.

I feel a little cross and that I’m being unreasonable because you just can’t argue with family responsibilities. They’re the perfect way to fade out a friendship while looking like the whole thing is out of your hands.

I am normally quite forgiving around friendships and see they ebb and flow. However there is a group of 3 of us that go out a couple of times a year and we are all busy, we make a date or give a choice of a couple, x friend confirms, says she cannot wait and then cancels last minute. I have given up now and will not try to arrange anything again. If she wants to sort it I will go but it becomes upsetting in the end.

Is your AIBU to think that a friend is using family commitments to fade you out?

I don't know. I would need to facts about the situation to decide.

Personally I don't like the language ghosting/slow fading because sometimes people think it's happening consciously and sometimes it's just friendships and life.

If we all thought we were being slow faded or ghosted everytime someone doesn't respond to a read whatspp message then it's a high anxiety state to live in.

Build a life that makes you so secure in yourself that none of this really matters. That's my two pence worth.

Would you have preferred being ghosted ? I think people try and handle this in the way that they think is kindest. I personally think that a slow fade is mean but others would rather that than being told that the other person is busy with family responsibilities.

I thought my friend cared about me but was just very busy. It didn’t occur to me that this might be an excuse. So I feel things about being foolish. I think this maybe isn’t an AIBU. Wrong thread perhaps!

Datesandfates "Build a life that makes you so secure in yourself that none of this really matters. That's my two pence worth."

Would you say that about other things? It really matters to me to have good friends. i'm learning to be without but I don't think I'll ever reach a point where it doesn't matter.

I would say it is always a good strategy to build a life where you feel secure - i.em not having all your eggs in one basket. In terms of friends it is probably a good idea to have several and not depend on one.

It is a good idea to work on your self esteem so you are confident enough to make new friends or start a difficult conversation with a friend you feel is fading you out.

I also think it's a good idea to follow your own hobbies and interests as these can be fulfilling and a solice when life gets tough.

I won't go on and on. Clearly OP doesn't want to discuss finer details so it is hard to not talk in generalisations.

Datesandfates I have done all of those things but the post lockdown friendship world is like another planet.

You're right but it seems like in this case the 'friend' was part of OP's structure that made her feel secure. So she's bound to feel it of she finds out that's not actually the case. That said, it's one of those things, happens to everyone at some stage or another. Still stings though.

Yes, this friend was like family to me so it’s been a shocker. I haven’t given too much detail as they might use Mumsnet.

But it’s a good point, if I fill my life with a few more activities I won’t notice this so much.

I have a job that is emotionally draining and very 'peopley', two young children (one with SEN) and a condition that causes chronic pain. All these factors have definitely combined to make me a "flakey" friend at times. I've had friendships that have faded over the years because I haven't been able to maintain the level of frequent contact that they wanted or needed. My friendships that have survived are all with people whose lives are equally busy and understand that we don't have the time or capacity to live in each others pockets like groups of friends you see on TV shows, but when we do meet up it still feels comfortable and like no time has passed. The friendships work because none of us could realistically sustain a friendship with someone who is going to get upset by someone taking a day or two to reply to a message.

My best friend has a chronic condition and used to be 'flakey' (or so I used to think before i knew the extent of her condition). But after a while I got to realise how shit it was for her, and learned to get over myself and accept that people have stuff going on in their lives and can't always be there at the drop of a hat. And she's always been there for me at the important times, even when she was suffering herself. But it did take me a while to cop on to what she was dealing with.

I'm sorry you have lost such a close friend and it hurts.

You are likely grieving that loss and that's why you're here.

I can say say YANBU for feeling like this.

I hope you can get closure on it soon and make another good friend/s soon.

Thank you