Struggle to make friends

[Justalittlebitduckling]

This is my first thread so please be nice. I’ve always struggled to make friends. My DP is very sociable and so our friendship group are almost all couple friends that he made.

When I had my DC, I didn’t really fit into the NCT group. I have tried to be proactive, ask people for coffee, arrange play dates etc but nothing really comes of it.

I feel like maybe I’m weird in some way that I don’t understand? Or that I’m too intense, or maybe try too hard? Or come across as distant? I know I have a bad habit of interrupting people which I really try to remember to reign in.

As a child, I was super academic and ended up in a higher year group than my age so was always just the weird kid. I enjoyed socialising at uni and am still vaguely in touch with people from there.

Although there are plenty of people we socialise with, I feel like no one really knows me that well and there’s no one I could turn to if I have a problem.

I do have one old friend from school so I asked her if maybe she thought I was neurondiverse or something like that and she just said no, she didn’t think so and was I ok?

I just don’t really understand how other people end up with good friends. I think there must be something unlikeable about me or I’m missing some social skills but I don’t really know what to today about it.

@Justalittlebitduckling I just wanted to send you a hug. There are so many of these threads lately, and I am not sure why. I am sorry this has been your experience. I don't have an answer, maybe it is ND, something to do with the way our society is these days or maybe you have just been unlucky with the people you have met.

I have the same problem and I’m autistic. I’ve been excluded for so many years that I don’t care any more, but the problem is that as DC get older you need mum friends so they can have someone to play with. My failure to make friends is heart breaking when it means my DS has no kids to play with.

Recently I thought I’d finally made a mum friend, only to be rejected yet again after the third play date. It broke my heart to see that my DS had drawn a picture of this boy with a heart and the words My Friend, because his mum has rejected me so DS won’t be able to play with him any more.

I’m afraid I don’t have any answers for you, but I do hope you can sort it out before it starts affecting your DC.

You sound normal and fine to me, OP. You do have friends. Maybe make an effort to see them more. Go out and do your own thing, meet your own people. I've never once made a couple friend.

@Forgetmenott this happened to me too.
I didn't care until I realised it was impacting my children. My son is like me- the wierd kid. My daughter is crazy she has so many friends. I don't understand it.

In what way has she 'rejected' you?

You absolutely don't need to be friends with the parents for your children to be friends with the friends. I disliked some of DS's friends' parents intensely when he was at his last school (and in at least one case, it was clearly mutual), but he liked the kids, so I was fine with that, had them round to play etc. The good thing about the children getting older is surely that the parents don't need to attend play dates at all, the way they often tend to when the children are wee!

In what way has she 'rejected' you?
Saying she’s busy whenever I ask for another play date. Apparently she’s been busy since April. Then she obviously felt guilty because I mentioned how hard it is for DC having an autistic mum who isn’t great at arranging play dates, so she said “we might go to the park on Wed, I’ll text you”. Then ghosted me. I don’t give a shit because I’m used to being rejected but it sucks for DC who has lost his little friend.

Could be autism! Look into how it presents in women and see if anything resonates. I think more people struggle to make friends than would admit it to be fair

Do you want to have more friends? I ask because I spent years really forcing the issue and worrying because I didn't have any long friendships. I can make friends fairly easily but can't really sustain it because I'm too interested in doing my own thing.

A few years ago I decided that I was v happy with my family and a few acquaintances. I've never been happier. When anyone mentions it, I just say that I enjoy my own company.

With regards to the neuro diversity, my son is autistic. I work with autistic yp and although I haven't been diagnosed, I do meet a lot of the criteria. For neurodiverse women, female friendships can be difficult to navigate. So this could be something worth exploring.

But can't you make it clear you're not asking for a coffee date, it's just for the kids? (How old are they? Can you just drop and run, or tell the other parents to drop and run and you'll drop the child home later if necessary?)

To be honest, I wouldn't appreciate being guilted into a playdate by someone telling me how hard it was being an autistic parent who finds it hard to arrange playdates -- for me, my friendships and my child's friendships are two separate things. If my child likes your child, and they're still too young to organise their own social lives, I'll put stuff in motion, regardless of my feelings towards the parents.