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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What now...?

11 replies

kensington09 · 10/05/2023 20:48

Hi,

After some advice please, sorry it's long, posting for traffic....

A couple of weeks ago, I found a big stash of empty beer cans under our bed! Asked DP, he couldn't really give an answer as to why. I asked him not to drink in the bedroom again, and I hoped that was an end to it.

He did used to have an issue with drinking too much, but this hasn't been an issue in i would think 18 months if not more.

Fast forward to this week, yesterday tidying the bedroom, found empty beer cans stashed at the end of the bed & a crate with half full beer cans. I called him while he was at work, he said sorry, he was embarrassed about it & wouldn't do it again. Very apologetic said it wouldn't happen again. I asked if anything was wrong? if he was drinking too much again? he said no. I moved them, and thought that was the end of it...

Fast forward to tonight, in the bathroom sorting out the airing cupboard and found an empty crate stashed at the back (no beer cans, I'm assuming this was the packaging from the ones under the bed). He had just came upstairs & I asked what the hell was going on, why do I just keep finding more, where else are they stashed?? He said that's it, there's no more. When I questioned again he said, I'm a grown up I don't need to answer to you. Completely different reaction to yesterday.

What do I do now??

Does he have a problem? (Seems obvious!). I haven't noticed him being drunk, hasn't seemed hungover, so is it a couple a night & being too lazy to take them downstairs, then they built up & was embarrassed to take them down? Or is this a bigger problem?

For context, we have been living with my parents for a year & sleeping separately, the baby is in with him which is making this 100x worse for me, as he has been doing the nights, but am thinking is he having a couple to relax in his own space, or is he getting wasted but if so surely I'd notice??

I don't know what to think

OP posts:

Sprinkles211 · 10/05/2023 20:55

He obviously has a problem I mean they're hidden? Your first problem is your leaving a probable drunk to be in charge of your child at night it's really not worth it. He's obviously feeling shame and on the defence about it and possibly even denial he's going to need professional help but will need to choose this help you have to protect your child I would not leave mine with a secret drinker not even for an hour alone it's just not worth it. I hope you get the help you all need

PsychoHotSauce · 10/05/2023 20:56

Hes probably hiding them so they don't go in your parents bin. He hasn't thought it through though.

You need to back off interrogating him if you want him to be honest with you though. First thing is to find out how much he's drinking in a "session" and how often. But if you pounce on him demanding answers like in your OP you'll get nowhere.

I speak from experience.

Original poster

kensington09 · 10/05/2023 21:00

@Sprinkles211 thank you. i won’t be leaving him alone again. I honestly didn’t know, the first lot I found, I assumed it had just been building up & he hadn’t wanted to take it downstairs but now I’m thinking is this the case. There was no other signs at all. I’m so confused, but yes he won’t be doing the nights anymore

OP posts:

Original poster

kensington09 · 10/05/2023 21:02

@PsychoHotSauce thank you for the advice. I did snap tonight but after yesterday & the apologies , to then finding another package tonight, what was said yesterday just seemed false. I will be trying to find out how many / how often tonight

OP posts:

SparklingLime · 10/05/2023 21:10

You don't sound like you are "interrogating" him, OP. Although given that you are finding hidden stashes of beer cans in the room your baby sleeps, it would be understandable if you were demanding answers. It's not a good idea to tiptoe around alcoholics.

His behaviour around your baby is absolutely unacceptable. Now that you know you can act, but what an awful situation for you.

historygeek · 10/05/2023 21:12

If he is drinking more than a "few" cans and there are no visible effects or hangover then this is a sign of dependency. He has built up a tolerance to alcohol.
Glad you are no longer leaving the baby in with him. I think an honest conversation is in order. If he is unable to do that without getting defensive l, then I think you have your answer.

Original poster

kensington09 · 10/05/2023 22:07

I have spoken to him again, and it has been 2-3 cans a night, 3-4 nights a week for around 3 weeks. He didn’t want to discuss it at first, was clearly embarrassed & defensive, but told him I needed answers & our DCs safety comes first.

The reason he gave as to why was he’s been feeling a bit shit lately, money is very tight, and due to childcare costs he is unable to work full time (I’m full time as higher wage). If he was to go FT we’d be worse off due to child care costs. Also, he was drinking upstairs to get some space from my parents & after a few nights it had built up & he didn’t want to bring that many down for any one to see.

it’s a rubbish situation and I’m hoping it isn’t any worse than what he has told me. Thank you all for replying

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 10/05/2023 22:16

He has a problem. Hes using alcohol to cope with stress.
He hides the alcohol. He lies. He reacts differently each time hes confronted with it.

I’m hoping it isn’t any worse than what he has told me
Hoping isn't going to keep your child safe. He needs to stop it and seek some form of support now. Otherwise, you are communicating to him that he gets away with this.

Notimeforaname · 10/05/2023 22:19

And he has a history with alcohol. Even if it is only a few cans a night when stressed, hes telling you that every time he gets stressed, it's a reason to do this. He will always abuse alcohol if he doesn't get support. He wont just suddenly stop.

Seas164 · 10/05/2023 22:34

Swap out where you sleep so you're in with the baby and he's in with his beer cans in the other room, for a start off.

Daddy doesn't get to get shitfaced and have a sleepover with the baby any more. There are probably various ways round feeling stuck for money, but pissing what money you do have up against the wall isn't the best one.

Yes he's ashamed, as he's been "caught out", but don't let him shut you down. This is a thing and you have a right to ask some reasonable questions about what's going on, and get honest answers.

waterlego · 11/05/2023 15:49

Given that a great many people minimise their alcohol units when talking to a GP, it’s fairly likely that your DH is fibbing about the extent of the problem. I’d be inclined to be sceptical about those figures he’s given you.

2-3 beers might actually be 3-4 or more
3-4 times a week might be 5 or 6
3 weeks might actually be longer.

I mean, I could be wrong, but given that he has had previous issues with alcohol, it’s pretty likely he’s trying to minimise it because he doesn’t want to confront it. I speak as someone who has been addicted to various things (substances and behaviours) throughout my adult life. I know how addicts operate, sadly.

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