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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dealing with a sulker

13 replies

angrysue22 · 10/05/2023 17:54

Dh is a lovely man mostly but he is the biggest sulker and I genuinely feel like it could spoil our marriage.

We are under a lot of stress at the moment...money worries, job uncertainty, a young baby who doesn't sleep great. But mostly we rub along ok. Last night we had a minor disagreement about something and today he's had the sulking face of doom on all day. When asked what the issue is it's all "I'm fine" until really pressed. And then it comes out that he's so very stressed and unhappy with his life.

I wouldn't mind but I do 90% of the childcare while working and have to keep my chin up and get shit done. When he gets in this mood the whole house knows about it and it really brings down the atmosphere for everyone. It's pathetic and incredibly unattractive.

After trying to be sympathetic and getting nowhere I've told him to either snap out of it or go out somewhere. I'd go myself but with 3 small kids here it's not possible. He does this every now and then and quite frankly I'd prefer an almighty row than days of sulking. It's also not fair on the dc.

How do you cope if you have a sulker? Usually id try to chivvy him up and make light of stuff until he returns to normal but this time it's really pissed me off because he's making me feel crap too and for what? Being called out on something minor last night.

OP posts:

ColdHandsHotHead · 10/05/2023 17:57

I've told him to either snap out of it or go out somewhere.

Keep doing this until he realises that sulking won't get him anywhere. It's emotional abuse and it only works if you let it bother you.

Topseyt123 · 10/05/2023 17:57

I'd tell him to just grow up, and then ignore him until he did so.

Sulking is very childish and unattractive. Is he 14?

gamerchick · 10/05/2023 17:59

I tell them to fuck off out of my sight until they're over themselves and ignore them completely.

Next time you have a minor disagreement or whatever it is that sets him off. Tell him if he's thinking of sulking tomorrow he can piss off out before it starts because it's unattractive to look at and you think less of him when he does it.

Stillhatemondays · 10/05/2023 17:59

This sort of behaviour is a nightmare to live with. I experienced many years of it during a long marriage and it is only now that I am not in the marriage that I’ve come to see excessive sulking as a form of emotional abuse.

he’s basically punishing you for calling him out on something and thinks if he makes life hard for you then you’ll be less
likely to raise concerns in future.

HappyMe6 · 10/05/2023 18:00

Sulking is so pathetic and childish in a grown adult! I’d send him to the norty corner!

Quitelikeit · 10/05/2023 18:03

Ask him if he is aware that he is creating a bad atmosphere and vibe for his children?

Ask if this is how he would like to be remembered?

Ask if he is the type of person who wants to silence his family as they’re too afraid to raise debate and discussion for fear of a 48 hour stand off

Ask if that’s the man he wants his sons to become or the type of man he wants his daughter to marry?

then see what he says!

greenlychee · 10/05/2023 18:04

yep it's childish. IMO the only solution is separation (unless he changes of course!).

Original poster

angrysue22 · 10/05/2023 18:12

I would usually go with the ignoring him option but it's really hard when there are kids around and it's impossible to live with. There isn't even really another room I can go to to escape him. If it was just me I would genuinely just go out and leave him to wallow until he's ready to get over it. But it's not that easy with little ones to consider.

I don't think he means it in a controlling or abusive way, he genuinely does seem sad but its a pathetic type of sadness. That sounds really harsh especially from me who suffers with mental health issues. But it really is.

OP posts:

matisses6fingers · 10/05/2023 18:15

My dh is a bit like this as well as having a short fuse.

it’s fuuuuucking annoying.

midsomermurderess · 10/05/2023 18:17

I work with a sulker. She throws visible from space, titanic sulks. It's exhausting and pretty abusive.
You need to have a serious conversation with him. Drill in to him that it is passive aggressive, damaging and juvenile. If he has an issue, he must articulate it. When ever he does it, make it quite clear you know what he is doing and to tell you what his issue is, you are not having it.

Original poster

angrysue22 · 10/05/2023 18:25

Don't get me wrong, life is tough and stressful at the moment. We do bicker and things are hard work. But that's life with kids. And mostly we get through the days and have a laugh. But then something like this happens and it's just such a juvenile, woe is me/my life is so hard/everyone hates me type of sulk it drives me insane and makes me feel a bit ugh towards him.

OP posts:

Srin · 10/05/2023 18:37

It is hard to have much respect for an adult who sulks. I don’t know the solution though. Presumably it is quite difficult to stop being a sulker.

BriarHare · 10/05/2023 18:56

Ugh. Sulkers. Not fully formed emotionally and highly unattractive imo. Lots of couples need a cooling off period after a row, but sulking is unforgivable.

You might not think it’s abusive behaviour, but it is. At best, it stops you ever working through a disagreement. At worst, it’s used to exert power over you and manipulate your behaviour. Imagine a few years in, you’ll be ‘I put up and shut up because I can’t face the silent treatment’.

Also, the going on to justify his twatty behaviour by saying how unhapppy he is, is SO manipulative. He saying ‘you can’t think badly of me for being a sulking child because look how miserable I am!’. Now you’ve got to feel worried and sorry for him instead of being angry with his incapability to deal with a disagreement like an adult.

You need to have zero tolerance otherwise you’re setting yourself up for a life of being manipulated and psychologically abused. I wouldn’t stand it for a minute.

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