AIBU that my friend is being very unreasonable

[dreamscometrue24]

Back history
I have a DD age 9 with significant issues that she has battled for 9 years , which have at times been very life threatening.
she has a love for Japan, I don’t mean a short phase but a true passion for everything Japan related. She has an itinerary board on her bedroom wall for her dream trip to Japan that she has been saving up on her piggy bank for. Now of course she has not got very far 🤣
I have been saving religiously for a while now to make this dream come true. I had to quit work to be her carer and so it’s been a slow slog. I can make this dream a reality now.
so for her 10th birthday she is getting tickets to Japan.
I have 2 old school friends
friend A - she has for the best part a settled life - a husband who earns a reasonable wage but not rich or anything but owns home, can afford the occasional holiday etc she has 2 kids, one similar aged to mine but has different likes and doesn’t tend to have a like for the same things as daughter ( anime / Japan / gaming )
friend B- single mum to 1 boy aged 9 - she has had a bit of a more struggle in terms of life and hasn’t ever been away with her son. Her son is also anime and gaming mad and loves Japan so my daughter tends to be closer with him.
when I was costing up Japan I was always costing up 2 adults 1 child because I wanted another adult to be with us so was going to pay for that person. We have booked an air bnb and the cost for 3 people and 4 people is the same so I said to friend B if she covered just the one flight for DS they could come as I would be covering air bnb and the other flight.
friend A and B were talking and friend B a had mentioned the gesture to friend A and she has absolutely lost it !
she is angry at me because I didn’t think of her and her daughters, she then went in a bit of benefit bash ( about friend B )
I wouldn’t imagine either her or her kids
would want to wander around on what’s going to be a very busy 14 days in Japan. Their holiday destinations are usually much more relaxation.
I just picked the one who I thought would benefit more and who would enjoy it more.

am I terrible friend and made a screw up over this ?

A is not your friend.

Obviously you aren't being unreasonable.

Being friends with one person never means you can't also be friends with others. My closest friends also do cool things with their other friends and I'm just happy for them- I have more than one set of friends too!

You had good reasons for choosing who you did. Explain them if you want and suggest something different you'd like to do with your other friend if you are wanting to smooth things over.

Oh my gosh you sound so generous and so lovely! Friend B definitely…”friend A” is no friend.
I hope that you have the most amazing time!
Japan is definitely on my bucket list.

I can understand her feeling left out, but she has no right to say anything. If I was in this situation I'd have found it awkward to pay for one friend and not even mention it to the other, but I do understand your reasons. Maybe explaining your reasons before the friend got in there might have helped, but really she has no right kicking off about your decisions.

Yanbu!

It depends -if the 3 of you are a "group" of friends together and you usually meet up together (rather than you being friends with both of them individually and them knowing each other but not being friends themselves) then it's fair enough for A to feel a bit upset that you have invited B on a holiday but not her, in the same way as you would presumably be upset if A and B met up to do something fun and exciting without you.

Treating someone to a free holiday is a very generous gesture for a friend so perhaps she's seeing it as akin to you buying B an expensive birthday present but not getting her anything - if you were otherwise jointly/equal friends this would cause most people to feel a bit upset although probably not throw a tantrum over it.

Even so she is being unreasonable regarding you paying for B which is entirely up to you, and making benefit bashing comments.

I think ideally you would have mentioned to A that you were thinking of asking B to go on the holiday with you because her child is into the same things and at the same time extend an invitation to A, with the expectation she probably wouldn't be interested in going but not wanting to leave her out. I wouldnt have mentioned paying for B, it's none of A's business how B funds the trip.

Sorry, I have no advice on how to deal with A, because after that behaviour I wouldn’t personally want to stay friends with A. I hope others will be able to offer useful advice on that.

I only wanted to post on your thread to say that you’re absolutely not being U, that you sound like a bloody wonderful mum and friend, and that I hope you and DD have a lovely adventure in Japan with B and B’s DS 😊

YANBU at all. Friend A sounds quite nasty re: benefit bashing.

I hope you have a wonderful time in Japan.

YANBU. This is your DD's trip. It makes sense to go with someone who enjoys the same things she does, not people who aren't particularly interested in them and may want to do different things to her.

If A is so het up about it, then maybe she can arrange a trip for her and B next year.