First birthday

[Sunshine13452]

It is my DS 1st birthday in a few months, we are hosting a small birthday party.

we are inviting grandparents only (so dd does not feel overwhelmed). However I invited my dad and his partner (DD grandma and grandad) however they will not attend because my mum is going… they have not spoken in 15 years.

I feel extremely let down by my dad for not showing up for his grandsons first birthday because he is unwilling to be civil with my mum for one day (a couple of hours)

Am I being unreasonable or should I just be accepting of this and move on.

That’s such a shame, I can understand why you are disappointed.

You are not unreasonable but I think you'll just have to accept it and move on.

It's sad he cannot be mature and adult enough to put his grandson first but some people are like that. It's him that misses out not your son.

You are not being unreasonable to be upset but unfortunately you can't do much about the fact that your dad is a twat and you will have to accept that and move on.

That's really crap of your dad. It's so hurtful when people can't put their own issues aside to celebrate another family member, it's your sons first birthday and your dad is making it about him.

I'd be tempted to just say "fine don't come then" and not arrange anything else for him, it's his own fault he's missing out.

My parents are acrimoniously divorced and they see each other literally once a year on my daughter’s birthday. I normally pander to the pair of them and do separate Christmas, birthday and Easter celebrations but it’s the one day when I just won’t. They are both invited and both asked to behave for the sake of their granddaughter. They mostly do (although my dad largely ignores my mum and she makes a lot of not-particularly-quiet snide comments about him) but if they didn’t feel they could, I would accept it and leave them be. They are invited, they know the rules of the day, but it’s still an invitation and they are free to decline if they feel it’s beyond them to behave reasonably.

I know it’s a shame and you would like both your parents there to celebrate but they are people in their own right, not just your parents and your son’s grandparents. They are allowed to do what they think is best and right for themselves. That said, I absolutely would not do an additional celebration to accommodate your dad. He comes to the main one or he misses out.

Hope it all goes well.

I’d be furious and tell him he will miss out on ll your child’s events in that case

I think he's unreasonable but he's ultimately he's just hurting himself. There are lots of wonderful events ahead that he's cutting himself out of. After the parry when I spoke to him, I'd be going on and on about how great the party was, missing out mentioning anything about your mum, and make sure he realises how much he's missing. After a missing a few events, it might start to click in his head how much he's missing out

Just accept and move on. Can he come another day?

Why should the OP offer him an alternative?

If you knew they've not spoken for 15 years then they are not just going to be in the same room because you want them to. YANBU and neither is your Dad.

As previous posters have said, it’s him missing out. I wouldn’t say anymore and I certainly wouldn’t arrange anything else/cut your mums time short so he could come. She’s willing to put it aside for her grandson, he isn’t. Have a lovely day, it’s a great age!

It's a shame, but by keeping the guest list so small it will be awkward for them and there won't be the chance to subtly avoid your mum by working the room. You could invite more people to offer more conversation options perhaps? Why are you concerned about your daughter being overwhelmed by GPs?

I’m not concerned about her being overwhelmed by grandparents, but other family members, she has only met other family members 2 or 3 times and she gets quite upset

Why dont they speak? If there is some backstop of abuse, cheating etc that would make a significant difference imo especially in such a small group of attendees

Unfortunately the same environment that risks overwhelming your daughter is what will make it easier for your parents to both attend. Perhaps best to accept this year is a bit tricky, and prepare for future years when your daughter will be more used to groups of people.

I understand it's upsetting for you, when I was pregnant with our eldest my DH warned his parents (who haven't been in the same room for 30 years) that any nonsense would not be tolerated. He spent his entire childhood playing piggy in the middle and wouldn't accept that for our kids. That being said, going from not speaking in 15 years to being in a room of just 6 or 7 people is a huge ask. I know they're your parents and daughter's GPs, but they're also individuals and exes and have a relationship separate to anything to do with you (I mean that in the literal sense, not the cheeky sense, but it doesn't read well online!)