To Encourage DD to go to her dads?

[StainlessSeal]

This probably shouldn't be in AIBU but I could do with the traffic.

DD is 10 (and is on the spectrum, which is likely relevant). Her father and I separated when she was about 4. We have a good relationship and live about 10mins walk from each other. We each have DD 50:50 (set days most of the week and then alternating on a Wednesday).

DD clearly loves us both very much, but is more attached to me. I think that this is likely because, to be honest, I'm very "soft". Her dad is likely to tell her to do things whereas I am much more gentle and cajoling.

Long story short, she is being a bit of a nightmare on the two school days that she is with her dad (so the Tuesday and the alternate Wednesday) because she wants to stay at my house rather than his. Totally fine on a Friday (which is also his day). She expresses this by essentially running past him at pick up and just coming to my house (I live about 5 doors away from school and you have to pass my house to get to his).

This has become a complete nightmare, to be honest. I work a lot from home and I'm finding that I have to stay out of the house until I know she's left, which often occurs after a massive meltdown. Her dad would be devastated to move away from 50:50 so I have been reluctant to mention it, and it would massively impact on my work (DD cannot access breakfast or after school care because of her needs) as I rely on the days she's with her dad to put in the hours I lose when she's with me.

I've of course tried to talk to her about her thoughts and feelings, but she just says "I don't know", which isn't unusual for her as she does struggle to express emotional states.

So I guess, my question is AIBU to "give in" and let DD stay with me more than at her dads, or should I continue encouraging her to stick with 50:50?

I think you need to be discussing it with her dad before anything else really, see what he thinks about it etc as he actually knows her. What would you do about your work if she was with you more?

I agree. He thinks its partly because she's lazy (she really, really is!) and doesn't want to walk up the hill to his house. He also obviously doesn't want to change the arrangement to less that 50:50, but also doesn't want her to be upset. Its a really difficult to know whether we are being too indulgent (which we both are) and then listening to what it is she wants and needs.

RE my work - I honestly don't know. I've had to leave a previous job to become self-employed because I just couldn't cover the holidays and before and after school. I could consider a nanny or something but as her dad would say, that's a ridiculous expense when he can have her.

More consistency between you on parenting styles would help. She might be unsettled by two homes and parents who approach things in such different ways.

If she wanted more time at his and less at yours because he gave her an easier ride/was a softer more permissive parent, would you be okay with that? If not do you expect him to be?

I would encourage yeah. My son doesn’t spend any overnights with his father but sometimes he takes him out for the day some days he doesn’t want to go but I always insist that he does.

To be honest, I think my way is more "gentle" than soft (but generally people would describe me as being soft). EXDH is hugely permissive about some things, and then very rigid about others. I wish he would adopt my of my way of being (ha, I would say that!) but he just can't. There's a reason we are divorced, after all...

Do you need to stop work when she gets home from school? Is she able to just have some screen time or read for an hour or so at home while you keep working?

At 10 she is old enough to explain apart from seeing her df as she should you need to be able to go to work to provide the xy and z that she loves!
My teens would prefer me in every night after school but equally reap the rewards I am not!