The gift that keeps on giving....

[craftybeee]

My ex has these horrific mood swings where he will turn into some sort of angry monster and look for an argument, upsets everyone around him. This usually happens when he is faced with confrontation or criticism.

When he is in a better mood again, he will question why I'm still upset. He will say it was a bad day forget about it etc. he also says it's me who triggers him to act like it.

He then goes through the feeling sorry for himself phase, sending me messages saying he is really low and he misses me.

He's incapable of taking responsibility for his behaviour, he doesn't see how harmful it is toward me and our child. He will speak to me like absolute shit in front of her, then she gets on his side.

I have to co parent with this guy, & I'm sick of it. I endured years of emotional abuse from him and he still won't leave me alone. He has shown no sign of ever changing & will quite happily tell me to fuck off in front of our child yet can't understand why I won't be in a relationship with him? Is he really that deluded?

I can't believe he feels sorry for himself. Every single bad thing that's happened to him has been through his own actions. Yet complains and blames everyone around him. I'm sick to death of him playing the victim.

My DH's ex is the same. Stick to communication about the kids only-logistics and info. Anything else you just Grey Rock and ignore.
Every 3-4 weeks we get an aggressive email from her, or the kids tell us something vile she has said about us, or she will renege on the court agreement in some way. It's a pattern and now predictable and as such we are now used to it and it's lost it's power. In the early days it was upsetting to the point where it started to affect our marriage. You just have to choose to laugh it rather than react to it.
When other people go low, you go high.

He makes me feel partly responsible for his emotional well-being and that's a lot to put in someone's shoulders.

Record him and send him the messages or send them to his mum. Refuse to see him, communicate via email only.

He can try to do this, but only you can decide whether to accept his attempts or not.

He is a grown man and responsible for his own emotional wellbeing. You don't have to accept any responsibility for that.

I highly recommend learning about assertiveness and boundaries so you can manage your ongoing relationship with this guy.

You are not responsible. Start laughing at him. Don’t let him get into your head.

It's YOU who makes you feel responsible for him - stop it!

Well you aren't responsible. So don't allow yourself to feel you are.

@Corrienation I can't, his mother is part of the problem. She said to me not long ago be careful with my son because he's really vulnerable 😂

My stbxh blames his IBS on me. His car accident he had after a row we had was also my fault (I can’t even remember the row, and I usually do). I use the wrong tone of voice talking to him, and though he admits I probably don’t even know I’m doing it (I don’t) he tells me it makes him see red. He once graciously said he will try not to lose his temper with me.

I have been harangued and had to listen to his monologues of why this divorce is making him unhappy and he needs me to recognise that. Because of course I couldn’t possibly be unhappy, but even if I was (I am) my unhappiness would never be as important as his unhappiness.

I have been seeing a therapist and she says my ex has narcissistic traits. He sounds similar to yours.

These are all classic abuser tactics. Please read up on it, it makes it much easier to recognise it at the time, which makes it easier to ignore, and on a good day laugh about it to yourself.

But I have had to cut contact to the minimum and I only reply to texts that absolutely need an answer. Otherwise it’s radio silence.

Ps. Ignore what his mother says - she’s not on your side.

How old is your child?

grey rock technique required!

Well, this may well be controversial. ... but for drama to happen, you do need two sides.
Mine did stir some shit when he got any opportunity, through my little one.
I reduced contact between him and me to zero or as close as zero to possible.
No phone calls, no meetings ( handover of DD outside building, quick, no words exchanged). Communicate via texts or if those are bad too, via email. To the point: collect DD here, drop here.
At some point, I took him to mediation to have the agreement of childcare provision recorded, as he tried to stir trouble being unreliable with that.
Soon enough, I was solo parenting. I think because the drama disappeared.
It was easier, simpler, happier. Less money to go around, but we wete in control of our lives. We are in control of our lives and it is so so serene.

He knows which strings to pull OP.
Those strings can easily be cut.
Those holding the children are where we are vulnerable.
But him, who cares?

@Isheabastard My god the 'seeing red' really resonated with me.
I also always use the wrong tone of voice even when I think I'm talking completely normally, it makes him angry, so any abuse and angry outbursts have always been because of me.

What angers me more than anything is he thinks it's normal. He expects me to want to be with him despite talking to me like absolute fucking shit. He will text me saying he's never been so low, he misses me, all he wants is his family to work.

He's literally ruined every single Christmas we've had together. The one just gone I said I wasn't spending it with him because he always does something to ruin it. We had a huge argument, then I gave in and spent Xmas with him. Guess what?
And the argument was about me not giving him the chance to show he wasn't going to ruin Xmas.

He says the same things all the time, none of it ever comes true. He's been doing the exact same thing since I met him years ago, I've grown as a person. No longer listen to his bullshit.

He has put me through some horrendous situations (I don't think I can write them in here) that made me fear for my and babies safety at the time. Yet never took any responsibility for it.

Each time he disrespected me I loved him a little less.

Don't let him make you feel anything.

You are not the problem here.

This is the problem, I have so much going on with work and being a mum, studying part time, keeping the house sorted that I literally don't have time to stop and think. He sits at home all day everyday wallowing in his own self pity so he's plenty of time to reflect. He's been 'going back to work next week' for the past 4 months.

He sees this as me not having any feelings or caring. Which I don't anymore.
I gave him my whole heart and loved him maybe too much and he completely abused that love. Now he's upset? Pffft.

But that’s your mistake

you’re not responsible for his happiness or mental wellbeing

my ex was asking for this too. Also abusive.

”I want you to promise you’ll make me happy”

I said I can’t make you - or anyone - happy. Our health, happiness and wellbeing is our own responsibility

no he didn’t like that, but it’s true and what can he do about it? Nothing

so choose your boundaries and stick to it like glue. Don’t engage with him on anything other than childcare arrangements

ignore all messages about anything else. Don’t reply, don’t placate just ignore. If he mentions it, just say you didn’t see it or any old bollocks to shut him down

Your job is to co parent with him, nothing more and you can tell him that.

if he pushes it, tell him you aren’t involved with him anymore and don’t have feelings towards him - because of how he treated you. If you have to, say that if not for kids you’d have no contact whatsoever

stop being so concerned about his feelings when he never ever gave a shit about yours or those of your kids.

Drama triangle - favourite thing I learnt here this week - Google it.