Do you regret separating when you have a baby?

[nosignal2]

I have a 10 month old with my partner. We've been married 10 years.
I think I am coming to the decision that I want to separate but I've been here many times before and never gone through with it.
There are various reasons - we fall out a lot. I know I'll have my own part to play but this relationship has felt different to any other I've had before.
The relationships I've had previously have been for several years but in this one, with DP I feel that an argument can start over anything and everything.

We can be out having a nice meal and then on the way back, DP will say something to provoke an argument.
Almost every holiday we've been on we'll argue on the way there because DP will usually say something or bring something random up which then creates tension.
We could arrive to the most beautiful destination and then DP will start having a go at me for literally anything.
It could be something to do with my family, friends, work, the way I parent, how I've chosen the wrong place for us to stay - anything.

I dread having my family round (I rarely do now) because it feels like DP starts something which then feels really awkward and I find myself saying to my family 'DP's only joking' to try and minimise what an arse DP is being. My mum could be talking about something and DP will pick holes in it or make snide comments.

We do have good times, but it can so quickly turn sour. We can be having a fab time out and then out of nowhere DP will bring something up and off we go. I know then that the rest of the day will be shit. I'm finding that I'm just miserable a lot. I don't really enjoy life as much, I just feel quite depressed.
If we have something nice planned, I struggle to look forward to it because I know it could end up either being cancelled or it won't be a nice experience.

I feel fear when I really think about leaving. Sharing seeing our DC. it devastates me to think of not seeing her every day and having days where DC is with DP.
I also feel awful for saying this, as if I'm painting DP in a terrible light. Obviously there are good things, and I wonder if things are bad enough to leave.
But sometimes they really are and I wonder why I didn't leave years ago.

You need to really ask yourself if this is the type of behaviour you would be happy for DC to witness in a few years, if not you have your answer.

I don't regret separating however I was very naive as to how difficult coparenting and sharing a child is.

Sorry I realised that came out very blunt. I completely understand your worries about split contact, but if you picture your future with him, is it happy? If not it's better to leave and it would be better for your daughter to see a healthy co-parenting relationship (if possible) than an unhealthy and unhappy marriage. Would it upset you to see your DC in a similar relationship? You deserve happiness too, and you sound like a lovely mother ❤️ good luck in whatever you decide to do going forward

Absolutely not. I had a similar relationship, it was having children that made me realise just how shit it was. I didn't want them growing up exposed to it and thinking it was normal.

"Co-parenting" can be very difficult. I'm my situation he makes minimum effort but likes to criticise. It's a lot to deal with but 100% better than living with him.

No regrets. Separated when DS was 2 months old. He's now 2 yrs old and it's been hard but I wouldn't change anything.

I think what often happens is people compare living miserably together versus co-parenting successfully apart. In my experience of this website it's very common to end up co-parenting miserably apart. It's much harder to protect your children from someone's horrible criticism if you're not there during contact. That doesn't mean separation isn't the right thing, just that horrible husbands can also make very hard work out of co-parenting. I don't know if there's an age where this is ever easy, but do you have practical support for looking after your baby?

No regrets.

And my personal view is that it is easier for the child for the split to happen when they are much younger, because then they grow up with it as their normal. My nearly 7 year old is aware me and his other mum were once married and we all loved together, and asks questions sometimes, but he doesn't remember it and is a perfectly happy well adjusted child.

Co-parenting a young child is really hard though. It's all either totally on you, or you're missing them. But once the dust settles, it becomes your normal too and you adjust

Good for you! That must have been so hard in the beginning.

@WTF475878237NC is right in a sense, "we" (he) don't coparent well or happily. But I , and the children, are all SO much happier on a day to day basis.

What’s he like as a father- would you be worried Co parenting?

It might be worth working on yourself too, to understand why you accept shitty behaviour and low standards. Good luck

No because the baby gets easier but the DH doesn’t

That sounds awful and I can understand why separating is likely the right choice. That said, you haven't mentioned if you've both tried to work on this in the past. Is he aware of his behaviour? Is he aware of the breaking point you're reaching? I'd try and see if it's something that can be worked through and discussed first, but if you already have or there's no improvement, then I'm sure you can make a much nicer life for you and your baby.

My husband and I separated when my twins were 1. His behaviour sounds similar although not as extreme. It felt like he pulled down all the fun times by having a face like a slapped arse all the time and I'd go out of my way to make sure the kids were having fun, that he was enjoying it and it became such hard work and stressful.

He also seemed to have this performance thing where he'd act like a dick only when he had an audience - usually my family - acting the big man pulling me down and making comments. I didn't instigate the split but looking back now it was the best thing that could have happened - I can parent how I want now without worrying about his miserable face - if I want to pack the kids in the car and drive 3 hours to the beach then I will or let them get muddy in the woods. It's hard in many ways parenting alone (he doesn't really see them much or have any overnights) but in many other ways it's easier, I'm more relaxed, less anxious and more confidant

My best friend separated from her Dh (after she had an affair) when her dd was a few months old. She regretted leaving because she couldn’t cope with the baby (and a toddler) by herself and so she went back to him. They then went to Relate and she had some kind of therapy - turned out she had PND. They both worked hard to make it work, and it wasn’t plain sailing, but they are now genuinely happy together after a difficult few years.

I’m not saying you should stay and work on it though. Your Dh sounds fundamentally unpleasant and I wouldn’t put up with that behaviour. I would tell him that he either addresses it or the marriage is over. The status quo is no way to live.

Best thing I ever did was splitting with a similar partner when DC was under a year old. It was/is hard, but it’s a million times easier and happier than if Ex and I had still been together. And with DC being so little at the time the whole two different houses has been all they’ve ever known and it works fine.
I think it’s easier to do when DC is little tbh, the longer you wait the harder it’ll become.

Sorry for taking so long to reply to you all.
I am finding it difficult and agree with what others have said on here about me working on myself and I am trying to do that with a therapist currently.
DP is also a woman. I am the birth mother.
We have embryos frozen and I really didn't want DC to be an only child. I wanted a second baby. But I'm not sure what to do now.
I really really don't know what to do.

What did you do OP? @nosignal2

I'd imagine it's more regret over having a baby with the wrong guy...

You can sort it out, but you will both need to put work in. Find a good couples therapist that can help you break the cycle you seem to keep getting stuck in. Yes, therapy is expensive, but divorce is even more expensive! And it would be a waste to throw away 10 years and split up a family. All the research indicates children do better if both parents are in a stable loving relationship.

@NattyBeaker

I ended the relationship in August 2023. So a few months after my original post. We are now almost divorced after a long, drawn out process.

It was messy. My ex was awful to me. Threatening, intimidating.. the behaviour towards me heightened a couple of months before I ended it, and when I did, she became even worse.

Co parenting is hard. The whole process hasn't been easy ... But it was by far the right decision to leave.

My ex still puts me down, criticises me, belittles me .. when I pick up DC or vice versa.
My ex will still question who I'm seeing, what I'm doing, why am I wearing that? Etc etc ..

I can see now so much clearer just how much my ex put me down. Really tried to make me feel like I couldn't manage on my own.

My ex used to tell me I'd never manage by myself. That I was 'no one' without her.

But honestly, I finally feel like I can have a good life. I'm a better mum now because I can parent how I want.
My ex was controlling, including dictating how I could dress my baby, when to hold my baby, telling me I couldn't take her out etc.

Even though we co parent.. and we are in each others lives .. I'm finally free. And I can see that life can be good.

Well done you OP that took so much courage and you did it xx