To wish I could go back and have another go at childhood, teens and set myself up for adulthood properly?

[NostalgicSucker]

I feel so sad. Obviously it's the one thing we can never do.

I wish my mum had been able to care for me when I was little. There, I said it. I feel so guilty like I'm being disloyal to her and also to my amazing foster mum, loved her to pieces and she was a brilliant real mum, couldn't have loved her anymore.

But I do wish everything had just been different and...more straightforward. Less emotionally confusing. Had less tangled stuff in my head, stuff that sometimes made me a vulnerable easy mark for people to laugh at my expense.

AIBU? Do you ever wish you could have another go and somehow made the hard bits work out with less pain and confusion?

I'm sorry to hear things haven't been easy for you OP You're not alone, I feel like this sometimes.

At the time I felt like my younger years were happy, but looking back there were a lot of things that damaged me. My father didn't want to know so wasn't around. My Mum was a single parent who experienced a lot of hardship. She was also very emotionally immature and dated a string of crap men and spent a lot of time upset when things didn't work out with them.

My father being absent made me feel as though I didn't matter and I still feel that way now at 33, I feel very unimportant to everyone. My Mum's bad relationships made me determined to settle down with a 'good' man and get married, but I've ended up marrying a man who in reality I'm quite incompatible with just because I was desperate for stability. I also have a terrible track record with money and got into debt in my 20s by madly buying expensive clothes, bags, holidays - all the stuff we couldn't afford when I was a child.

I'd love another shot at childhood, but with different circumstances - both parents around, comfortable financially, just more stability. Perhaps that would have made my adult life easier. But perhaps it wouldn't have. You can have the traditional 'good' 'normal' childhood but it doesn't mean life won't throw other bad things at you.

It's hard not to wish things were different but there's no point thinking that way - we can't go back and change anything, we can only try and make things better for ourselves going forwards.

Me too. I’d love to write the wrongs of my youth, knowing what I know now. I’m about to be diagnosed with ADHD and I could forgive myself for my ‘weirdness’, forgetfulness, impulsivity, the million boyfriends as a teenager, inability to knuckle down and work at school, chaotic life, etc etc.
Big (((hugs))) OP, it sounds as though you’ve had a struggle. Be kind to yourself - the future starts here xx

Yeah. If I hadn’t been an accident, I think my life would have turned out very differently.

Poor self-esteem has led to self-limiting choices and behaviours, sadly.

I think many people feel this way. I'd love to go back to my childhood and live it again with the knowledge I have now but most of us probably would. I can see crucial points where if different decisions were made, different outcomes would have resulted. But i think it's more a romantic fantasy for the life we don't have to seek comfort in the memory of our childhood from a time when everything was easier before we had any adult worries.

Sometimes I wish everything had been different. Right from the off, different parents, better able to parent etc. But then I would not be me. I have done a lot of work in myself and do you know what? I am ok. I quite like this version of me now. It would be cruel to her to throw her away.

Sorry you feel like this OP. Losing your mum at such a young age must have such a profound effect on a person even if they are lucky enough to have a fab foster mum. Don’t feel guilty for feeling that way or saying it.

I was an emotional tangle for different reasons and completely understand. There are bits I would do differently again but I look back now and just think how young I was making those mistakes. I did the best at the time with the knowledge I had. I was never very logical at decision making, still aren’t!

Yes, sometimes I really really wish that things had been different. That I'd had unconditional love and support. An emotionally available and stable caregiver. A routine. Hugs, regular meals, clean clothes, basic needs met.

I'm having counselling for this at the moment, and when I first started going I massively underestimated how much it would hurt and how hard it would be.

However, saying all that, if I had the option to turn back the clock right now, I wouldn't. I like who I am, who I am with and the cosy little life I have built for myself years later.

I wish that little me had known that everything would get better though.

Yes my mother was a flawed woman who was damaged in her own way and my father was weak and enabled her. They thought they did the best for me but had no interest in me as a person.

As a result I was an anxious and dutiful child with no agency to experience happiness or thoughts of my own. Most of my thoughts were around guessing how to behave and what to do and copying other children.

Thankfully a natural intelligence got me through but my low self-esteem wrecked my 20s and the ripples still resonate into my 50s.

If I went back I’d tell that girl that the parents were not to be taken too seriously and to make sure I was equipped to leave home and go to
uni and be independent as soon as I was 18.

You should not feel any guilt and own your feelings as a natural reaction to a traumatic childhood. Your post has so struck a chord with me. I am so glad you had a wonderful foster mum. Celebrate her and be grateful for her. But that does not minimise the hurt and disruption you have been through. I can't imagine how hard it must be to grow up and realise not everyone has had such a tough path to tread. It is so natural to be sad, of course you will be. But be proud too, of the adult you have become.

There are loads of things I would have liked to change, starting from actually doing some work for my A levels first time round so that I could have gone to university instead of failing them, going to college and failing them again and then getting pregnant, and on and on. However, although my children weren't planned they are a great joy to me, and without the hardships I have had in my life I wouldn't be the person I am now and wouldn't have met the wonderful man I am married to now. I am happy now and I can't imagine that I would be any happier if I had not made those first mistakes. (Having said that though it would have been nice not to have had such a hard life for quite as long!)

Sometimes I think like that. I would tell myself to go to literally sneak out and get myself to social services...

💐

Totally, OP — you’re far from alone. I’d like to go back and swoop in and protect my nine year old self from the appalling thing that was done to her, and give her parents who were able to cope with the world, so that her reaction to her own abuse was not to protect them from it.

And tell her she was loved and lovable, and not just fine but wonderful just as she was, and help her with her homework, and send her to better schools and be pleased with her cleverness, and support her ambitions. Just love her and respond to her as she needed.

Posted too soon! 💐to OP and everyone else on the thread.

I know the feeling only too well, it's such an ache. You look at other people, and it's like they have some magic ingredient you're missing. Confidence, self-esteem, that helps them glide through life. Whereas I feel like I'm always struggling. And it's really unfixable, because you can only get that kind of deep self assurance from being loved properly as a child.

The good news is I don't feel that feeling half as much as I used to, having done years of work on myself. So maybe the struggle isn't in vain? Hoping we all find some peace.

I had an awful time as a teenager , awful. I don’t remember any happy times as a teenager if im honest . I didn’t have that motherly figure to help me or listen to me , spend time with me. I was really lost , anxious and just didn’t have that support at all and I found it tough . It’s only teaching teens and now one of my own kids almost one I realise now. Also seeing how happy my neices and nephews are and genuinely enjoying life . Of course it isn’t perfect but it’s so different to my experience. They seem full of happiness, fun and they are enjoying themselves. I had a mother who frequently ignored me , belittled me and would fly completely into rages at me being a normal fckn teenager and it made that time so tough, im late 30’s and still upset by it. What should have been carefree time I spent feeling guilty and awful and I have no idea why .

I just want to make sure my kids never feel like that and that they can talk to me and come to me if they are in trouble. I would never want them to feel like I did .

This is one of my fantasies, in my case it was no one around me doing anything wrong, just me being a wally. I wish I could go back, pick the right friends and work hard at school!
I'm sorry that in your case the difficulties were more serious op.

Absolutely me too, spend more time than I should imagining what I should have done; highly likely autistic and adhd, spent most of my life doing stupid things either because I had little impulse control or because I was desperate to fit in and tried to learn how by watching tv where the 'cool' kids always do drugs, or sleep around or are 'mean girls' 🙄. I was very easily led and I didn't really have anyone to show me the right way. My idea of heaven is being able to have another go with the benefit of hindsight! And like everyone else next time I would a) be myself and b) work hard at school!

I'm so sorry your childhood was difficult but there is more universal in how you feel than you might think. Pain and confusion is there for everyone, I've learned that more and more as even the people with the most 'normal' childhoods and privileges struggle in ways that surprise me. My childhood was difficult for many ways too but none of us get a redo. If you can grasp the future with support that'll mean you don't look back on the next 10 or 20 years with regret. No doubt childhood has a massive impact but I'd recommend therapy to help you get where you want to be.