to feel controlled?

[uhui]

I don’t know if I am being over the top or crucially, whether I’ve created this situation myself.

My mum (and dad but he’s in the background usually) will call me repeatedly if I haven’t responded to a message within 30 minutes. I find it very stressful as I end up with lots of messages and calls and genuinely worry she will go to extreme lengths to get in touch with me like turning up (we live fifteen mins apart). She probably wouldn’t but when you are pressured into a response you don’t know what will happen.

I am a reasonably heavy phone user and respond to people quickly usually. Over the years I have become the sibling that answers, my sibling never does and that’s just accepted! I have raised it many times that sometimes I just don’t want to be on my phone and if it’s an emergency by all means call but if it’s not then please don’t keep ringing and sending ‘??’ texts.

She says ok and she won’t and then literally a few days later it happens again. I am a bit of a worrier and I always think well THIS time it could be a serious thing. Today it happened and I got cross and said you can’t keep doing this when I’ve not replied for fifteen minutes and she said sorry and that I usually answer so she was worried… and then started saying she was tired and didn’t want to have an argument. Any time I raise anything she will say she is tired. For context the reason she was in touch was to ask if I wanted to go to a place out for the day next week. It wasn’t urgent.

I am probably being dramatic but it all makes me feel so low. I feel like I have no peace and quiet and then feel guilty that so many people don’t have interested parents and I should take the bad with the good. I feel shit that I’ve argued about it again and will once again go to bed feeling rubbish and stressed. I just want to be left alone sometimes. I have a baby and there’s not a day that goes by where we are not interrupted, sometimes I want silence.

What frustrates me is when they’re busy you hear nothing from them. They’re not interested. I’ve even had moments of need myself but if they’re busy that’s that. I feel totally controlled by the messages and possibly I’ve made a rod for my own back but equally it’s difficult to not worry it’s something awful when you’re contacted repeatedly. Any advice?

I would block her and unblock her when your ready to speak to her then block her again. If anyone blew my phone up like that I'd take away their privilege.

@ILoveCakeLikeTheToriesLoveRippingTaxPayersOff thanks, it’s difficult because then I would worry they might actually need me and I’d cut them off. I feel like I can’t win.

I tried saying can we just speak after 6pm but that didn’t work either.

Ask them outright why they do it.

It's like parental anxiety. I do it to my kids when they won't pick up. But they are actually kids ......

@Aubree17 im 37. I have asked. It’s not parental anxiety as they don’t care massively when I am actually in need! They just say I usually reply… that seems to be the reason they continue to call, so it’s become a vicious circle.

This is madness, you have a baby! You can’t be on or with the phone all the time.

next time literally leave it and ignore it. Go to a baby group, turn it off on your bag and just enjoy being in the moment with your baby.

your mums anxiety needs dealing with and I’d advise her to go to the GP.

you need to put boundaries in place and not reply as soon as you can. The ?? Texts would infuriate me. If this was your partner it would be called abuse and controlling

This would drive me completely insane yanbu.

I would speak to her again calmly and say that unless it’s an actual emergency you will not always be able to reply immediately, this is utterly ridiculous!

@Temporaryname158 the thing is it’s not real anxiety as I have explicitly said I can’t always answer and when I have been in touch with her she is not concerned if I need her! It’s when they are bored basically that it happens. For instance I did not hear from them this morning as they had an appointment. I knew I would be left in peace. Then hey presto, this afternoon that happened. If only they weren’t retired.

You need to tell her calmly and straight that she is upsetting you and stressing you out. Tell her how rude it is to keep messaging if she doesn't receive a response. I'd mute her all day until you want to receive a text, or tell her that you will only be checking her texts after a certain time. Tell her that you're so stressed that if she doesn't listen you will block her totally.

If she says she's tired or doesn't listen, appeal to your dad.

She's being ridiculous - and I can totally see why it's stressful.

They are treating you like their toy, picking you and dropping you whenever they want.

If something urgent happens, one of them will text you.

You’re holding yourself to your ransom with your worrying. They are not elderly. They are not disabled.

Stop responding.

@piedbeauty my dad does get it but he will always side with my mum. I have said it all calmly to her but it will last a couple of days and then back to this. I guess I have to bite the bullet a bit and just ignore her more often. It’s just horrible that it has to be like that rather than her just respecting me. I feel so low tonight and we’d had a nice day up until then.

Deal with them like you would the toddler you'll soon have by setting limits and sticking to them. Make a decision that next time this starts (whether you have the time or interest in answering, or not), you'll not respond until 6:05 (after 6p, as you've asked before). Silence your phone and notifications. And then get on with your day. You'll probably feel anxious/nervous/worried...but you already feel that way, so at least make the choice to control the situation. And if they try to berate you, just keep it neutral and say you were busy. Don't get sucked into trying to appease them. Because you were...busy living your own life and taking care of Your needs - which, they don't seem to have any respect or interest in (as you said, they're only concerned with themselves). You're not responsible for entertaining them when they're bored - that's their job. Just make the decision to make the change. Baby steps...it will get easier after you've done it once. Oh, and she's not too "tired" for an argument, she's too "tired" to be called out on her bullshit behavior. Sorry, OP...I'm getting aggravated on your behalf.

Maybe, because as you say yourself you are a really heavy phone user they don't understand why, when you always have your phone within a few feet you never seem to answer them back. Maybe they feel you look and see it is them texting or calling and are choosing to ignore them.

@ihateaparade thanks. My worry is they would start calling my friends or neighbours etc? Is that irrational? I do tend to get anxious so I don’t know if this is a rational thought or not.

@slowquickstep yes perhaps it is that. But as I’ve said so many times, it would be good to just get on with our days and catch up in the evening - if even necessary every day!

I can totally relate to this except the parent who does this with me is on their own and I have tremendous guilt about complaining about it but I like you feel I can never switch off or relax . My sibling doesn’t communicate for days but it’s accepted . I have a hobby I go to on a fortnightly basis and it’s the only me time I get but my parent usually texts and phones me during this and complains if I don’t answer even though I’m usually talking to others who do the hobby . It’s very draining

I would tell them you will text them a kiss “x” when u have received their call but can’t take it.

I did this, slowly weaned them off me. I only rang them back when work was over and kids in bed. But I let them know I saw the call by texting a “x”.

I bet they wouldn't start calling your friends and neighbours if you blocked them. They manage not to do it to your sibling either. They do it to you because they know you will respond. You need to be very firm with them, as others have said, block until it suits you, then block them again. Try it for a week, your tension levels will decrease, and once you realise that they have coped without you, you will feel a lot better about setting some boundaries.

Put your phone on silent.
Only look at it when YOU want to.
Tell them this is how you have decided to use your phone going forward, then stick to it.

If you're trying to set boundaries and she's ignoring them within a few days you're going to have to set cast iron rules instead OP. Tell her it's getting too much (perfect time to do so after today since you'd already spoken about it days earlier) and that you will no longer be responding before 6pm and will be blocking her during the day because she keeps promising to give you some peace and then reneging on that promise.

That way she has no excuse to be contacting neighbours or coming round and you can legitimately tell her to sod off if she does because you told her in advance you wouldn't be contactable. You could maybe set up something for genuine emergencies, maybe she calls your sibling and they call you as it sounds like your mum wouldn't dare to bother sibling in the same way she does you?

Don't give in to the guilt trip though, you have a baby and a life of your own and you just don't have time to commit to her at the level she wants, it's her expectations which are unreasonable so don't let her make you feel otherwise.

Sorry OP, everyone's already given you the answer. This doesn't need to turn into pages and pages of discussion on AIBU. You know what you need to do.

Tell her you're not talking until after 6. Set your phone to automatic do not disturb until 6 every night. Or mute all notifications from her.

I'd predict she'll get bored pretty quickly.