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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not playing along with strangers?

17 replies

NotAHouse · 09/05/2023 16:31

I had my child about 5 years ago, and I have diastatis recti (where the ab muscles separate). It's been difficult to repair and with a busy lifestyle I haven't put the effort in, I'll be honest. End result is, I look about 3 months pregnant all the time.

My issue is that, completely unprompted, random people I meet will comment on my supposed pregnancy. I always correct them, never rudely, just matter-of-factly, and 9 times out of 10 the person won't even apologise, they just say nothing at all, conversation over.

(I assume this is from embarrassment and not barely-concealed disgust at my inability to maintain a gym physique.)

My AIBU is, for people I'm not likely to meet again, should I just smile and nod rather than embarrassing them? Their silence makes me wonder if I'm being unnecessarily rude and I should spare their feelings.

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 09/05/2023 16:35

I think you should handle it how you want to / how you feel most comfortable.

At least in correcting them they might learn not to make assumptions about strangers.

Woopzies · 09/05/2023 16:36

I always correct them, never rudely, just matter-of-factly, and 9 times out of 10 the person won't even apologise, they just say nothing at all, conversation over.
Nothing wrong with this - you're not the idiot here, they are.

Minimalme · 09/05/2023 16:38

They should be mortified.

However, you are completely overlooking the fact you must be slim and young, so people assume a mildly curved tummy is an early pregnancy. I've had a 9 month fat pregnancy I've only just shifted and my youngest is 9. Only difference is I was a) fat and b) not young enough to get preggers again.

They shouldn't be saying anything. It is none of their business

Original poster
NotAHouse · 10/05/2023 17:56

Minimalme · 09/05/2023 16:38

They should be mortified.

However, you are completely overlooking the fact you must be slim and young, so people assume a mildly curved tummy is an early pregnancy. I've had a 9 month fat pregnancy I've only just shifted and my youngest is 9. Only difference is I was a) fat and b) not young enough to get preggers again.

They shouldn't be saying anything. It is none of their business

I'm over 40, I'm a size 14 (mostly because of the stomach), but the comment ta have been rolling in ever since my child was born!

Feel reassured I'm not being cruel by being honest with others though, thank you.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 10/05/2023 17:58

Nobody should ever comment on anyone potentially being pregnant unless they know for sure. They are rude, and if you prefer to correct them rather than just nodding and smiling that's entirely your prerogative.

Americano75 · 10/05/2023 17:59

Maybe they'll think twice about being so thoughtless in future.

lilacbunny · 10/05/2023 18:05

It happened to me so many times. After my second child was born (he passed away after birth ) it was very traumatic and I had(have) this issue except I looked 9 months pregnant for a while!

A week later at the doctors I had people asking me when I'm going to drop.

This happened for months.

Once I finally stopped going along with it out of embarrassment and said "NO, I'm just fucking fat. I had my child months ago and he died". Just to make them aware how insensitive it could be to someone (which was to me)

When I got pregnant again, it was kinda a relief to be able to say "yes I'm pregnant but not this pregnant Grin"

ThatFraggle · 10/05/2023 18:07

lilacbunny · 10/05/2023 18:05

It happened to me so many times. After my second child was born (he passed away after birth ) it was very traumatic and I had(have) this issue except I looked 9 months pregnant for a while!

A week later at the doctors I had people asking me when I'm going to drop.

This happened for months.

Once I finally stopped going along with it out of embarrassment and said "NO, I'm just fucking fat. I had my child months ago and he died". Just to make them aware how insensitive it could be to someone (which was to me)

When I got pregnant again, it was kinda a relief to be able to say "yes I'm pregnant but not this pregnant Grin"

Sorry for your loss.

How did they respond?

tikkanaan · 10/05/2023 18:08

You don't owe them anything. They are being really rude.

MargotBamborough · 10/05/2023 18:11

I think I would say, "Don't you know it's rude to comment on women's bodies?" and give them a cold stare.

Original poster
NotAHouse · 10/05/2023 22:21

MargotBamborough · 10/05/2023 18:11

I think I would say, "Don't you know it's rude to comment on women's bodies?" and give them a cold stare.

That is SO what I want to say, but most of these people are (as my DH says) trying to be nice. They obviously want to have a bit of small talk involving babies. Sadly they've picked the wrong woman!

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAHouse · 10/05/2023 22:22

lilacbunny · 10/05/2023 18:05

It happened to me so many times. After my second child was born (he passed away after birth ) it was very traumatic and I had(have) this issue except I looked 9 months pregnant for a while!

A week later at the doctors I had people asking me when I'm going to drop.

This happened for months.

Once I finally stopped going along with it out of embarrassment and said "NO, I'm just fucking fat. I had my child months ago and he died". Just to make them aware how insensitive it could be to someone (which was to me)

When I got pregnant again, it was kinda a relief to be able to say "yes I'm pregnant but not this pregnant Grin"

I'm so sorry for your loss. How heartbreaking to be reminded everytime ❤️

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 10/05/2023 22:39

NotAHouse · 10/05/2023 22:21

That is SO what I want to say, but most of these people are (as my DH says) trying to be nice. They obviously want to have a bit of small talk involving babies. Sadly they've picked the wrong woman!

Show quote history

Then how about, "Listen, I know you're just making conversation, but it's really not a good idea to comment on women's bodies. You have no way of knowing what her feelings are on the subject, or you might have got it wrong. For example...I'm not actually pregnant!"

Original poster
NotAHouse · 10/05/2023 23:11

That's a good response

OP posts:
Changeforachange · 10/05/2023 23:19

I absolutely refuse to assume women are pregnant until they specifically mention it.

A head could be emerging & I'd still not say a word, because the thought of being wrong is so mortifying all round. I've met someone who I was sure was pregnant in a work situation and thank the lord for my policy if silence because she answered 'no' to the 'any pregnant employees?' question.

People should not be commenting on your body. You don't need to humour them.

Original poster
NotAHouse · 11/05/2023 06:59

Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
tikkanaan · 11/05/2023 07:07

Changeforachange · 10/05/2023 23:19

I absolutely refuse to assume women are pregnant until they specifically mention it.

A head could be emerging & I'd still not say a word, because the thought of being wrong is so mortifying all round. I've met someone who I was sure was pregnant in a work situation and thank the lord for my policy if silence because she answered 'no' to the 'any pregnant employees?' question.

People should not be commenting on your body. You don't need to humour them.

Yes I assumed most people would go for the same policy but it seems not!

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