Sense check please

[weatherbell]

When I was on mat leave, DP unbeknown to me ran up 3k debt on credit cards. The reason being that he was too ashamed to tell me that he couldn't support the family. We got over it. The other day I noticed an unusual transaction and questioned him. At first he lied and said no extra money has been spent on credit cards. Then he later confessed he paid for a recent trip on it as he didn't know what else to do as there was no spare money. He was hoping to pay it back without me noticing.

I'm feeling pretty rotten about it all but I've a tendency to catastrophise. So my AIBU is...

YABU he's trying his best

YANBU lying about money undermines trust in a relationship

I'm also just interested in advice and similar stories please.

it depends on whether you share finances and who’s name the debt is in. Instinctively I’d say it’s a trust issue though.

Thanks for replying. We share finances 100%. The credit card is in his name.

I suppose it comes down to how you both deal with it from here on and how his attitude changes.

You need firstly to understand why you didn't have money left over for the trip and whether it was a necessary trip or one for pleasure.

You need to address his reluctance to discuss money and the associated feelings of shame and fear.

And...
Review your budget. Can changes be made? (Improvements) Are you overspending anywhere?

Come up with a payment plan for repaying the debt.

Take steps to ensure there is no repeat.

The repeated incident here suggests he doesn't know how to better manage money and that as a couple you haven't jointly taken sufficient responsibility for your finances.

I recommend Claer Barratt's Money Clinic podcast and her book What They Don't Teach You About Money.

The fact that he’s done this twice now isn’t great. One time you could call a misjudgment, the second time is a conscious decision.

how is he in other areas? Have you ever had problems with him being dishonest or going behind your back before?

Well I jumped headfirst into the finances following the first instance and we worked out a budget. But we've only just reworked our budget following the start of the cost of living crisis and suddenly realising we're extremely short of money way before the month is out. It was the process of redoing the budget that led me to spot the unusual payment.

Lying about finances is a big no for me. You rescued the situation once, and he didn't learn he just repeated it. That shows me he has no respect for you.

Yes I agree that it was a conscious decision that he made. I think in truth I kind of knew that he'd likely be shifting money from elsewhere to pay for the trip as we were out. I didn't ask him about it at the time. If we'd spoken I would have agreed/suggested the cc. But the bit that has shocked me is the direct lie when i asked him and that his plan was that I wouldn't notice.

Thanks for this reply. All very sensible decisions.

We spoke last time about where is underlying shame came from and he admitted it was an unconscious belief that he is the man and therefore in charge of the money. His family are very traditional.

But all that work just feels pointless now he's done it again.

I usually completely agree but I was struck by his reaction described by the op..Finances are deeply emotive for many people and can be strongly associated with feelings of fear and shame. I think these need to be dealt with and I'm not convinced that coming down on him like a ton of bricks is going to change much.

Op you need to get to the bottom of his attitude and reasoning - how he reacts to this will tell you what you need to know. If he takes full responsibility for his screw up and is amenable to remedial actions (whatever you decide upon) then I wouldn't give up on him.

@weatherbell I can understand that,, even though its not a helpful mindset!
Since he takes this view, a response which he feels is emasculating isn't going to result in any changes. I would suggest tackling it as a team by working on his underlying attitude to money.

Claer Barrett discusses the effect of our early experiences with money and how this influences our future finances, which helps to dispel the ingrained mythology around such attitudes. Clearly you need a long term solution to dealing with this and unless you're intending on calling it a day you need to find a way to work together to create a shift in his attitude.

There are resources for this out there if you look.

Thanks for replying and understanding that it isn't black and white.

That podcast sounds so interesting. Perhaps I'll suggest that we listen to it together to help to come up with a plan.