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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do you deal with family members who don’t get on?

7 replies

Senzi · 08/05/2023 23:18

I’m sure this must be the case in all families but I’m really starting to feel upset.
my DIL is quite a difficult character- that’s ok, I accept we are all different but myself and husband are really easy going, non judgmental and generally tolerant people. We are supportive emotionally and financially to people close to us.

my son and his wife got together just over a year ago, and fell pregnant straight away. We were all overjoyed as this is our first grandchild.

She is quite an abrupt person, doesn’t say much and often comes across as rude. As I said earlier- we accept people are all different and we are pretty relaxed. However things have progressed and now I feel at a loss.

She stopped visiting when my son came to see us and he told us she has a long history of MH issues and takes a lot of medication. We were sympathetic and let him know we would like to help or support them if they felt they needed anything .

She since gave birth to a gorgeous little girl. Shortly after the birth they got married. They had a small registry office ceremony with a handful of guests. We weren’t invited! They said they’ll have a big ‘do’ at a later date and invite all the family. Her mum and a few of their friends attended the wedding.

shortly afterwards my son got a great opportunity to work abroad. They all went. About 6 weeks later she returned with the baby and stayed at her mums (they don’t have their own home in this country since moving abroad). There has been no contact with us, the only reason we know this is that a family member bumped in to her. She said it was too difficult to look after the baby alone all day with my son at work.

my son is very evasive when we contact him and maintains all is ok in their marriage and she just felt homesick and wanted a some help with the baby.

she clearly doesn’t want us in her life, but surely it’s not ‘normal’ to not want your child to have a relationship with grand parents?

I just don’t understand any of this behaviour!

OP posts:
BonnieBobbin · 08/05/2023 23:24

You can't understand why someone who fell pregnant quickly, married without ILs present, who struggles with their MH, whose DH accepted a job in a different country from their support network - would want to prioritise being with their own DM and family?
To be blunt, your DS also chose not to have you at the wedding and then to move abroad very quickly. He has made no attempt to involve you in his DC's life.

Bresia · 08/05/2023 23:29

My sil was like this - we stopped visiting, better that way - don’t know niece but that was never going to happen anyway, I can see why it’s upsetting for you. It was an absolute torment when we were in contact - better not knowing them - for my mental health. We all have to chose our own paths.

Senzi · 08/05/2023 23:32

Bresia · 08/05/2023 23:29

My sil was like this - we stopped visiting, better that way - don’t know niece but that was never going to happen anyway, I can see why it’s upsetting for you. It was an absolute torment when we were in contact - better not knowing them - for my mental health. We all have to chose our own paths.

Yes I’m sure you’re right, I just wish I understood why!

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 08/05/2023 23:54

This has nothing to do with your DIL. Remove her from the equation. It is not DIL didn’t invite me to the wedding, DIL doesn’t facilitate a relationship with the grandchild. Your DIL doesn’t want you in her life.

Your son didn’t invite you to his wedding.
Your son chose to move away with his family so can no longer facilitate an in person relationship with you and his child.
Your son isn’t prioritising having you in his life.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/05/2023 23:58

Mmmm… honestly I’d back way off and bide my time. This doesn’t sound like it’s going to last if I’m honest.

if nothing else just drop it until your son comes home.

Needsmorebeans · 09/05/2023 00:06

As others have said, it's your son who you should be querying here. He should invite you to his wedding and involving you with his daughter and yet you're giving him a completely free pass

SoShallINever · 09/05/2023 00:07

Are you 100% sure thatvyour son is not abusive towards her? DV gets worse in pregnancy and after birth. He has shared details of her mental health with you, I wonder if she is aware of this? It is well known that some abusers undermine women in this way.
I'd back off, give her space, expect nothing of her and be careful not to judge.

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