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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong here?

32 replies

Notastayathomemum · 08/05/2023 22:47

So I live in a different state to my friend from Uni, we have had an on and off friendship mostly due to us not living in the same country but we have seen more of each other in the last few years ( last time I visited was 2 years ago)
Anyway she invites me on a girls weekend with her friends who I have not met, except the girl who’s house we went to turns out I had met her briefly 2 years ago, besides the point.
the invite was around 5 months ago, I book my plane tix and leave and a week before the trip she tells me she broke up with her partner ( rebound guy, of 16 months) so I said we can have a good time and take her mind off him.
we had a fab night when I got there, even though it was focussed on her partner and the break up I was more than happy to be a shoulder to cry on.
Next day two of her friends pick us up to take us to this holiday house, let’s call her Maddy.
Maddy greeted us with a platter and bubbly and welcomed us to her beautiful home. We weren’t even there 10 minutes and my friend starts asking Maddy if she cracked on to her partner at a 40th they were at.
it made the situation very uncomfortable.
anyway we headed out and went for lunch where my friend and her 2 besties were being really cold to this Maddyit was an undercurrent and as I don’t know these ladies I chose to just chalk it down to that.
my friend got progressively more drunk and the restaurant refused to serve more alcohol to her. At this stage I was outside waiting for her.
went to find her and she was shouting at the owner for cutting her off.
I went to get her and told her we were leaving and took her arm in mind and gently walked her out trying to calm her down.
we went to another place. Here her and her friends started questioning Maddy why she didn’t invite my friend to her husband’s party. She was said well it’s not her party and her ex would be going and he husband is good friends with the ex rather than. My friend.
anyway Maddy was upset so wanted to go, I decided to go with as I really didn’t want her catching a cab on her own.
my friend was in the toilet so I called to let her know what was happening and that I wanted to go home and watch the coronation with Maddy.
when they all came home my friend totally blasted me and Maddy and told me I was picking sides.
i Explained I have no idea what this is about I just didn’t want Maddy to go home alone and I myself wanted to go.
she didn’t accept that and told me she didn’t want anything to do with me.
this leaves me with a person I didn’t know having to make my way to the airport to get an earlier flight so I could just get home. Her friends who I went with were cold as ice to me for “ betraying “ my friend. So I had to ask Maddy for a lift to her house, bearing in mind I met this lovely lady once 2 years ago, and her husband who I never met took me to the airport.
my friend didn’t contact me once to ask if I was ok to get home or even check if I got home ok.
no word of her even the next day. Is this fucked up or Am I missing something.

OP posts:
Rogue1001MNer · 08/05/2023 23:31

Team Maddy.
The others all sound like a nightmare

Malarandras · 08/05/2023 23:35

They all sound like horrors, apart from Maddy and her husband, who actually helped you out. I would ditch this so called friend of yours for good!

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 08/05/2023 23:37

Exactly what the other posters above me said. Team Maddy

wafflyversatile · 08/05/2023 23:42

I suppose she is in a lot of pain just now but how childish and pretty shitty behaviour. Maybe once she's calmed down she'll apologise but even if she does get round to feeling ashamed she might be too ashamed to contact you.

Testina · 08/05/2023 23:46

Maddy is about 40, right?
Maddy is perfectly capable of getting a cab on her own - “lovely lady” and “beautiful home” make you sound like you’re pathetically fan-girling her.

So your friend might be a drunken arsehole, but she’s supposedly your friend so I’m going to assume she isn’t usually an arsehole - or why stay friends?

So potentially Maddy has flirted with your friend’s ex and dropped your friend like a stone for party invitations because she’s been dumped. And you chose to hang out with her, and her lovely home, because she couldn’t get a cab on her own?

I expect there’s much more to this than you’re sharing 🤷🏻‍♀️

Testina · 08/05/2023 23:48

“I book my plane tix and leave and a week before the trip she tells me she broke up with her partner ( rebound guy, of 16 months)”

This sounds unnecessarily catty about a so-called friend. Rebound guy? You’re dismissive about her 16 month relationship?

Testina · 08/05/2023 23:52

“Here her and her friends started questioning Maddy why she didn’t invite my friend to her husband’s party. She was said well it’s not her party and her ex would be going and he husband is good friends with the ex rather than. My friend”

See this is pretty shitty of Maddy. My husband wouldn’t get to dictate whether my friend could still come to a party at my house just because his mate had dumped my mate. Oh it’s husband’s party? Bullshit! They’re married.

Your friend sounds pretty trashy with the drunken bar stuff, but you sound in thrall to the “beautiful home” and possibly pretty naïve about Maddy.

Why did Maddy’s husband have to take you to the airport? Are you a child?

growgrowinggrown · 09/05/2023 00:02

@Testina I don't think her husband wanting his friends at his birthday is out of the question.

If my partner told me who I had to invite to my birthday I'd tell them to bugger off.

LakieLady · 09/05/2023 00:07

This all sounds like teenage behaviour to me. They all need to grow up.

AspiringChatBot · 09/05/2023 00:08

I'm confused by "cracked on to her partner"; did your friend think Mandy had been flirting/trying to get together with the friend's ex, or just that Mandy has been/is being too nice to the ex because he's friends with Mandy's husband?

In any case, it sounds like your old friend was miserable and drunk and I'd certainly forgive her for that under the circumstances. But the "betrayal" stuff from her other friends seems over the top - weren't you all going to end up back at Mandy's anyway since you were all staying there? I wouldn't have thought Mandy needed company to go home, but I also don't think you abandoned your friend if she was with the two others. Also don't understand why after the other three came home and blasted you and Mandy you needed a ride to Mandy's house - weren't you all already there? I'd have just stayed, if Mandy didn't mind, at least until your old friend sobered up and you had a chance to talk with her normally.

I do think it was lousy of the other three (although again, I understand your old friend is probably not herself) to agree to stay at Mandy's if they were angry at her; I assume the trip was planned before the breakup but they could have cancelled.

Testina · 09/05/2023 00:09

growgrowinggrown · 09/05/2023 00:02

@Testina I don't think her husband wanting his friends at his birthday is out of the question.

If my partner told me who I had to invite to my birthday I'd tell them to bugger off.

I can’t see anything about it being a birthday party. Though that may not matter.
My point is that I think there’s a lot of backstory here that OP isn’t sharing - and even possibly hasn’t bothered to find out.

Maybe her friend was never invited to this party and it’s the husband’s birthday and a boys’ night. Or maybe OP’s friend has spent 16 months being invited to parties there and thought she was friends with Maddy and Maddy is pathetically coming out with shite about it not being her party.

OP’s friend might just be a stupid drunken dick, with a sideline in treating friends like Maddy like shit.

But you get a vibe from posts, and I just felt something off about being told about Maddy’s “beautiful home”. It’s odd.
Has OP for years been such a bad judge of character in her friend?

SoTired12 · 09/05/2023 00:09

Testina · 08/05/2023 23:52

“Here her and her friends started questioning Maddy why she didn’t invite my friend to her husband’s party. She was said well it’s not her party and her ex would be going and he husband is good friends with the ex rather than. My friend”

See this is pretty shitty of Maddy. My husband wouldn’t get to dictate whether my friend could still come to a party at my house just because his mate had dumped my mate. Oh it’s husband’s party? Bullshit! They’re married.

Your friend sounds pretty trashy with the drunken bar stuff, but you sound in thrall to the “beautiful home” and possibly pretty naïve about Maddy.

Why did Maddy’s husband have to take you to the airport? Are you a child?

Do all married couples have to have joint parties?

Why would you demand your husband invites his friends ex, knowing they didn't split on good terms and there'd be some sort of drama?

Testina · 09/05/2023 00:20

@SoTired12 I’ve replied above - there just isn’t much to go on in the OP and it all just sounds like there’s a lot of background missing.

It sounds like the friend was a drunken dickhead. But it seems odd that OP was pretty quick to dump said friend to go hang out with Maddy watching the coronation.

If your friend had just been dumped and was obviously sore about it, even if you thought she was being unfair to Lovely Lady Maddy would you ditch her for the person your actual friend was angry with?

Like I said, it’s just odd things in the OP that make me think this tale is incomplete! Bollocks could OP not let some rando get a cab home in her own town, and all the “beautiful home” stuff is cringeworthy.

She sets Maddy up as the wonderful one (a platter!!!) and her friend as pathetic (rebound relationship). She doesn’t sound like she actually liked her friend.

I know that’s a lot of reaching 🤣 but the whole post just sounds off to me.

Tbh - @LakieLady has it!

Oubliette86 · 09/05/2023 00:26

Testina · 09/05/2023 00:09

I can’t see anything about it being a birthday party. Though that may not matter.
My point is that I think there’s a lot of backstory here that OP isn’t sharing - and even possibly hasn’t bothered to find out.

Maybe her friend was never invited to this party and it’s the husband’s birthday and a boys’ night. Or maybe OP’s friend has spent 16 months being invited to parties there and thought she was friends with Maddy and Maddy is pathetically coming out with shite about it not being her party.

OP’s friend might just be a stupid drunken dick, with a sideline in treating friends like Maddy like shit.

But you get a vibe from posts, and I just felt something off about being told about Maddy’s “beautiful home”. It’s odd.
Has OP for years been such a bad judge of character in her friend?

Show quote history

Well I don’t think Maddy can be all bad as OP’s friend was more than happy to take advantage of her hospitality, wasn’t she? Whatever the backstory, she had no problem including Maddy in the get together in the first place, staying in her holiday home, eating her food & drinking her alcohol all of which happened after said party so I can see why OP hasn’t automatically assumed that Maddy was the bad guy, especially as Maddy was the one who ended up helping her out.

whynotwhatknot · 09/05/2023 00:33

jesus theres always one isnt there

your friend is bang out of order op-very immature id reallyquestion my friendship after that

Testina · 09/05/2023 00:36

“jesus theres always one isnt there”

Always one that thinks a badly written, jumbled up OP with an obviously backstory (known or not to the OP) might not have a simple answer. Yeah, there is usually at least one.

SoTired12 · 09/05/2023 00:39

Testina · 09/05/2023 00:20

@SoTired12 I’ve replied above - there just isn’t much to go on in the OP and it all just sounds like there’s a lot of background missing.

It sounds like the friend was a drunken dickhead. But it seems odd that OP was pretty quick to dump said friend to go hang out with Maddy watching the coronation.

If your friend had just been dumped and was obviously sore about it, even if you thought she was being unfair to Lovely Lady Maddy would you ditch her for the person your actual friend was angry with?

Like I said, it’s just odd things in the OP that make me think this tale is incomplete! Bollocks could OP not let some rando get a cab home in her own town, and all the “beautiful home” stuff is cringeworthy.

She sets Maddy up as the wonderful one (a platter!!!) and her friend as pathetic (rebound relationship). She doesn’t sound like she actually liked her friend.

I know that’s a lot of reaching 🤣 but the whole post just sounds off to me.

Tbh - @LakieLady has it!

"I know that’s a lot of reaching 🤣" 😂 it's hard not to when you don't get the full story and you want to make sense of it.

I can understand her wanting to get away from the drunken 'mean girls' causing a scene, I couldn't be arsed with all that shit on a night out, it would annoy me especially if I was relatively sober compared to them.

Original poster
Notastayathomemum · 09/05/2023 02:41

Yes there is more to this but not knowing these girls and also not being told the back story I took the situation as it appeared to me on the day. Yes maybe I am pathetically fan girling, but after this this chick needs to be praised by staying calm when my Friend clearly intended to come to this girls weekend with her two besties ( Maddy didn’t know them either had met them just a couple of times) to confront her. To be that’s bullying and I didn’t want a part of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notastayathomemum · 09/05/2023 02:45

Testina · 08/05/2023 23:48

“I book my plane tix and leave and a week before the trip she tells me she broke up with her partner ( rebound guy, of 16 months)”

This sounds unnecessarily catty about a so-called friend. Rebound guy? You’re dismissive about her 16 month relationship?

Yes I guess I am as he was abusive to her and I had never met him so I was just putting the 16 month in for context. It sounded like a toxic relationship and hence why she is in a bad place but her behaviour was embarrassing.
to add I don’t spend a lot of time with this friend we live very different lives but as I knew her from long ago, I thought it would be nice to catch up with someone from my past.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notastayathomemum · 09/05/2023 02:47

It’s the Husbands party and considering my friend accused Maddy of cracking on to her partner she wasn’t going to invite them to her husbands party, my friend is very volatile and confrontational at the moment so in this situation I don’t blame her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notastayathomemum · 09/05/2023 02:50

Yeah I am possibly Naive about them all tbh. As I said I hardly know them and the group dynamics. I took the situation as I was in. Maddy a husband was going to the airport for work so they offered to ask if I could go with in his company taxi….

OP posts:
Original poster
Notastayathomemum · 09/05/2023 02:53

Am I a child? No!! I was far from the airport and in a different city! I could have sorted it all out , perhaps I should have chosen different words but the plans had changed from my friend taking me to some stranger .

OP posts:
Original poster
Notastayathomemum · 09/05/2023 03:01

Ok ignore I made a comment on the beauty of the home! What I was trying to say was Maddy cleaned and made the house up for us all a day before and put on warm welcome for people she hardly new bar my friend and she got treated like that.
and yes maybe there is more but I came for a lovely weekend with my old friend and she chose drama. Where she could have had this out with Maddy separately at another time.
also I was not involved or had heard about anything prior so was a bit shocked .
TBH my friend could have given me a back story at any time but I feel she didn’t as she knew I would have tried to make her see sense And not confront Maddy. I personally feel this was planned and I feel pretty annoyed . Also my friend has not contacted me since.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notastayathomemum · 09/05/2023 03:07

Lots missing I know but i honestly don’t know what the hell went on as far don’t know these girls, this is my perspective and Maddy was literally the only one who was behaving in a way I support bearing in mind this was her. New holiday home and not her home town and she was upset.

also can’t believe people come here for support and some of you can be so nasty in the responses?

not looking for anyone to side with me and I didn’t stay with my friend as she had her two best friends with her and quite frankly I wanted to just go home and escape the drama and watch telly!

OP posts:
mischlerischler · 09/05/2023 03:25

Sounds like a very dramatic weekend, OP.

Very embarrassing behaviour from your friend. I would step back from the friendship.