Re DH and work?

[Ungratefulorunreasonable]

Name changed for this.

DH has a "big job", he's great at it, he loves it and is well paid for it. Last year his team (he's second in command) had to deliver a project with a seriously unrealistic timescale. DH worked every evening, every weekend and missed 3 family holidays to try and meet this deadline (family holidays were UK short break ones and 1 week UK). It was a hellish year. I did all parenting (2 kids 3&6), all household duties (we do have a cleaner) and life admin. I also work full time in a high stress environment.

They eventually delivered and DH negotiated a significant pay rise for his part in the delivery and future value of the sort. Had DH not received the payrise, he would have left and had a job offer on the table. I agreed to support him staying at on 2 conditions: I could reduce to 4 days per week and he worked fewer hours (evenings/ weekends) and did more home life stuff. As far as I was concerned, the pay rise wasn't necessary and we had a good standard of living as it was.

For info, we have total financial transparency, so I know there's no secret debt or gambling addiction etc. And DH WFH totally, so he was definitely not spending the time with another woman.

For the first couple of months he stuck to it and life was better all round. But then the odd bit of work in the evenings and weekends crept in, and now he has worked every evening this week and Saturday afternoon and all Sunday. I've just come home and found him working now. Last weekend he missed a weekend away and I went with the kids - he said he was ill, but he ended up working "to take his mind off being ill".

He's not got a new deadline which falls at the end of half term, meaning I'll have to cover the holidays, again.

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off with him? And any advice?

When I say evening work, I mean he stops working to eat then goes back to work until after I'm in bed. Last night he worked until 2am, having started at 9. He has some control over the deadlines i.e could say "we need to push it a week as I'll be off the week before".

You’re not being unreasonable to be annoyed but I am your husband in this scenario and it can be so hard not to get swept up. He probably just needs help pulling back

YANBU.

I would be asking him why his job is more important to him than his family, and that he needs to stick to the agreed balance.

and book in with a marriage guidance counsellor.

You’re not being unreasonable and the time he’s missing with his kids (and you!) is significant and he can literally never get it back. Time to have a serious discussion about your family, your boundaries and what you can and can’t compromise on.

I think it depends on what the big job is, how much work is typical for the industry and what you agreed before you had kids.

For example if he is a city lawyer and all his colleagues are working these hours then its pretty typical when a deadline is looming. That's why they get paid so much. And he can't really keep that job and just not do the work.

But if he is in a job where most of his colleagues do 9 - 5 and he is actively choosing to work these hours, and didn't ever discuss this before having kids, then that's different and it sounds like he has his properties wrong.

What were his hours like pre kids?

Either way it doesn't seem fair for you to pick up his share of parenting and house chores indefinitely if you hadnt previously agreed to this in order to facilitate his job and benefit from the money. Most people I know with a very big job have nannies or the other parent is a SAHP as it's difficult for the other parent to have a career and do everything else as well for their partner as well as their kids.

If him not being around at home is a long term thing then he needs to sort a plan of how he will still contribute his share of childcare, organising things, house chores etc. even if he cant do them directly

There is a difference between having a high workload and being in a senior position, and being a workaholic. He doesn’t prioritise his marriage and family; it’s whether you want to put up with that and accept it.

Are you sure he's actually working all that time? Not just pretending and faffing about on the Internet?

So how do I do this?

Yes, I'm certain.

He actually changed career just before we had kids to gain a better life balance, something he desperately wanted. Until last year his hours were very reasonable 9-5 except the odd time he needed to do a bit extra, fair enough my job is similar. His industry is fairly 9-5 and it's well acknowledged in his team that he worked an insanely high number of hours last year, even though most the team also worked above and beyond normal hours as well, they are aware he was working more.

And I want a career - I've never wanted to work part time. I earn £50k in a local authority role (full time) and I'm fairly senior in my department. I'll never earn mega bucks because I work in a public sector only role but being good at my job and working my way up is important to me.

My DH used to be SLT in a school and he worked so many hours and it pissed me off so much I worked out what he earned per hour he worked

It worked out at less than minimum wage

Now I'm not saying yours would work out like that but even as a very high earner if you worked it out it might bring it down to £50 an hour or something - which is frankly shit when a good contractor will earn £500-£1000 a day

So perhaps present it like that?

I literally yelled the figure at him every day til he changed jobs

Haha, DH was a teacher previously! So I absolutely get you!

He's totally neglecting the other aspects of his life. YANBU. I would be so annoyed and upset. It's not temporary and it's not his own business either so not like he's doing it to build an empire so he can retire in 5 years or whatever.

Get him to read the article about what people say on their death beds.

Last weekend he missed a weekend away and I went with the kids - he said he was ill, but he ended up working "to take his mind off being ill".

Completely unacceptable. It actually sounds like you’re under reacting to that and possibly like you’re being too charitable generally in how you talk about the importance of his job, how good he is at it, how hard he’s worked etc. It doesn’t matter what his job is - he’s no more important than you and he’s a lot less important than the kids he chose to create. Not going on a weekend away with you through illness and then not actually being that ill is disgraceful.

I have some experience of this kind of pattern and ultimately, apart from perhaps the period immediately before a key deadline, it is down to the individual.

No one has to do anything. He could say no, put up boundaries, push back, delegate…but he chooses not to do so.

A little bit also depends on context and the actual value of what he is doing: was he engineering a high profile building? Coordinating the coronation? Evacuating people from Sudan? Something that is a career landmark might be worth short-term pain. But if he’s missing your children’s earliest years for the equivalent of an IT system implementation that will be discarded in a few years, then no. Just no.

I just saw your update - that explains a lot if he’s an ex teacher!

Old habits die hard.