Men in a mums WhatsApp support group

[Isomissmyoldlife]

That's it, basically. A local mum started a meet-up group for mums in a local park over lockdown and the inevitable WhatsApp group followed, which I'm in although I don't go to the group anymore as I'm back at work. It's very much for pregnancy, birth and babies and there are about 300 people in it, although most stay silent. I've found it really helpful and supportive space for women to ask intimate questions about the nitty gritty. There are lots of mums who ask questions about breastfeeding, afterbirth experience-stuff that other women instinctively get and can help with (which I've found really helpful, even though I don't contribute)

in recent weeks, men have started popping up on the chat, firstly a gay guy who is moving to the area with his adoptive kids and wants to 'reach out to allies' and now another guy who is asking about something else. Both are completely fair points and they have a right to try and find other parents in the area but.....the same mum has set up a WhatsApp for dads and there are even meet ups. Why is it that women can't have one bloody space to talk about what we go through as birthing mothers without men invading? I think this will put women off asking the awkward, intimate things that they need support with. My DH thinks I'm being very unreasonable, am I?

YADNBU.

I am in a similar WhatsApp group and luckily ours has only women; designed for the same purpose as your group

I would feel uncomfortable sharing intimate information or asking certain questions if men were in the group, gay or not.

Hmmm yeah, that's not great. I'm also in a similar group although our admins are very strict and periodically remove the silent lurkers who never attend meetups or add anything to the chat. There's around 75 of us in the group and I appreciate knowing who I'm talking to about my kids.

I’m on the fence with this - if it was started as a meet up group new joiners might have not realised content. Plus 300 people is a large group so might not feel like a space for birth or breastfeeding questions.

You say it’s only for mums but you have to be invited to a whatsapp group so someone obviously invited the men and made it clear they were welcomed.

It’s not unreasonable to want a group just for discussing birth etc but equally a 300 person whatsapp group isn’t really a small group for support. The fathers are not being unreasonable for accepting an invitation that was clearly given to them.
Maybe others in the group don’t feel it has to be limited to women.
Surely it’s largely a parenting group rather than a birthing mothers group? The pregnancy and birth portion is quite short lived.

If you want a group that is exclusively for women maybe start it and some others will join you. Maybe some will remain in the original group.

Surely it depends on how the group is advertised?

These dad's didn't just appear from nowhere, someone either invited them to the group or they saw a sign up link in a public group so surely it's down to how it was worded.

"Local Area mums meet up group" I would assume would be a group primarily aimed at the mums for meet ups but that wouldn't object to men participating as it was more about networking and building up a group of parents who you know and can go for coffee/soft play etc with rather than enduring it alone.

"Local Area Mums support group" I would assume would be a group for mums in your local area to support each other both through the networking side but also the physical side (ie being able to ask questions about breastfeeding or TMI topics etc) from people who have also been through those issues and can offer personal advice/experience

I think men in general need to become more involved with the daily mental load of child rearing so very much I welcome their presence in ‘mums’ WhatsApp groups. These groups are often the first port of call for so many kids things - be it asking advice about illness, scoping out places to take them, school starters, arranging play dates etc - it can be helpful to mothers to have the dads directly involved.

That's a pretty big group in which to be asking intimate questions imo, more of a meet up group surely?

Besides, someone told them about it, someone added them, so not everyone sees it as a women only space.

I think 300 is a gigantic size of group and it's not really an intimate space or can be managed as such. All women or not, I wouldn't be asking sensitive questions in a group with hundreds of people, most of whom I don't know from Adam. Presumably many just lurk and aren't even posting. It seems an odd format for a Whatsapp group which are usually about far smaller networks.

And Whatsapp isn't even anonymous either. It has your real phone number, most people have their real names, etc. It seems a very unwieldy number of people to have in a group for apparently sensitive subjects. I'm part of a couple of 'mum' WhatsApp groups and none have more than 10 people in them!

I take all your points re they had to be invited but the the group description says specifically that it's for pregnancy, birth and babies. And there a pinned link that some well meaning woman clearly shared. It's just the fact that there are specific groups for men, the council run groups specifically for dads yet they had to come into this one. I know it's a big group, yet women clearly do feel comfortable enough to share. It's been noticeably quieter since they piped up.

The organiser really needs to just say something like 'Thanks for joining! This group is specifically for women giving birth/post-partum, but you can find what you're looking for in X group. I'll remove you from this chat and get you invited to the correct one.'

Perhaps they didn't realise, perhaps someone just invited them without explaining, etc. It's easily solved if the person running it wants to solve it, though.

A 300+ whatsapp group isn’t private and could include anyone.