Is it possibly to change hardwired habits?

[JakeandAmy]

I will preface this by saying I have unmedicated (not possible due to health problems) adhd which might mean I’m a lost cause. When I was younger (before I knew what adhd was) I was a real daydreamer who imagined a happy, fulfilled life for myself. But it turns out that I find anything other than sitting, stuffing my face and doom scrolling on my phone so so hard. I’m sure a lot of it is the adhd but I also think the habits have been hardwired into my brain; I just don’t know how to change.

I’m almost 40 with 2 children. I’m in terrible shape because all I do is sit and I have a terrible addiction to flour/sugar. The absolute worst thing is that I’m passing on these awful habits to my children. All they want to do is watch tv/play on screens. They don’t want to do any sports, play outside, be creative, read, draw, write etc. I might expect this from teenagers but they are 9&7.

I manage to hold down a semi-active job (I.e not a sitting down office job) but by the weekend I’m mentally exhausted and I can’t face any housework so my house is a cluttered mess, which adds to my mental tiredness.

I always imagined that I would be someone who had their shit together and that I would be a great mum. Instead I’m a fat mess who sits all day and I’m raising children who will be the same as that’s all they know. They don’t have weight issues now but I’m so worried about their future.

Thank you if you’ve read this far, I’ve just read it back and it’s a long self-centred ramble.

Bump?

Yes.

Also adhd here, also unmedicated.

I find the trick is to make small changes, one at a time and focus on how good they make you feel (even if the positive feelings come from the fact youre making a change).

Once you've got a small change embedded into your routine, add a new one.

Doesn't matter if you slip into old ways for a few days - or longer - just that you revert back to your new way of doing things.

Often the big changes we need to make are dependent on smaller changes being made, so start from the ground up and think about it like building a house - you start with the foundations first.

Thank you @QueenSmartypants, I’m so scared that I will die soon because of my inactivity/bad diet or that I’ll get to 60 and be as miserable as I am now so I definitely need to build in some healthy habits. Do you think that a clean diet helps manage adhd symptoms?

Personally, for me, I haven't noticed what I eat affecting adhd symptoms but it seems to be relevant for some people.

What I eat does affect other things, like my mood and energy though.

If your diet is your biggest concern then start making little swaps for healthier alternatives.

Thanks again @QueenSmartypants

The mentality you have won't help you. Describing yourself as a fat mess is only true if you give into that belief and allow yourself to be defined by it.

I could have written your post a few years ago and the solution for me is routine and remembering the expression one step at a time. You can't do everything at once so break it all down into small jobs and get your kids to help.

At the beginning of the week I set myself jobs that need to be done and when I'm going to do them. I'm banned from screens until they're done because I know starting is the worst thing for me.

I think you might benefit from a bit of counselling as well or at the very least talking to your GP.

@BounceyB Thank you, that’s really helpful. I think I’m struggling because I’m failing in every area of my life (health, parenting, relationships, hobbies, exercise etc) all because I can’t get off my arse and start. I have zero motivation and a lot of self loathing.

It would help to be kinder to yourself and take some small positive steps and recognize your achievements for those - e.g 2-3 healthy family dinners per week, 2-3 active / exercise sessions (can be a walk etc), read a good book with your kids etc (library is free if you’re sort on £)

From there it’s definitely true that habits build in habit and discipline is a muscle that gets stronger with practice - so as others have said start slow and build it up but have confidence you can make big changes in the end.

Atomic Habits is a good book on this topic - think how much of a difference in your kids life you will be able to make for their future if you are able to make some positive changes now. Good luck.

nothing is hard wired into your brain. everything can be changed. it may be hard work but it can be done.

You're not failing. Give yourself credit for the fact you have 2 children that love you and are protected. Also, holding down a job and providing for your children is an achievement that's underrated. Some people can't do that.

I had a bit of a chaotic childhood and think I might have ADHD. I have slowly tried to sort of "parent" myself to try to change into a more organised and healthy person, so I'll ramble my advice from that:

Atomic Habits by James Clear really helped to change my mindset. I can't really explain how helpful it was, but trust me, it was. I first listened to it on audible during lockdown 1 (when I was depressed AF). After listening to it, I also downloaded an app called "repeat habit tracker" on my phone which I still use to tick off things. At the moment my "habits" are:

Get at least 7 hours sleep.
Take a multivitamin
30 minutes of exercise (walk, gym, run, swim, cycle)
Drink 1.5 litres of water
Floss my teeth
Evening skincare routine
10 minutes of bedtime yoga (Yoga with Kassandra on YouTube).

It might sound ridiculous to "normal" people, but if I don't have that app to tick stuff off on, I probably wouldn't do it. It's been almost three years since I downloaded the app, and I have updated my habits now and again since then. When I first downloaded it, I was struggling so much in lockdown one that it included things like: brush teeth, have a shower, go for ten minute walk. I don't have to tick off brushing my teeth anymore in the mornings (thank god 🤣), and some other things, like eating a healthy breakfast, have become a natural habit, but other things, I still have to consciously choose to do and need to be prompted to do.

Housework wise, I loosely follow the organised mum method. I'm not a mum (yet) but fell into it when I was looking for a solution to keep on top of stuff. Love it. Love Gemma too, she has a podcast which I find very therapeutic. I'm naturally a very all or nothing type of person when it comes to cleaning; I used to do nothing for weeks and then literally spend all day obsessively cleaning. She advises setting a timer, which I find really helpful, I usually do 15 minutes a day which keeps on top of stuff and stops me going too mad with it on the rare days I feel like cleaning everything 😅.

I decluttered everything in our home very slowly over the lockdowns, and have just about managed to keep it up, but still need to be mindful about stuff we bring into the house. Always have a charity shop bag on the go.

So I've rambled there, but go easy on yourself OP. Change is hard, but it is possible. Best to start small, and for me, having a tidy and clean space makes everything seem a bit more manageable. My advice to get started this week would be:

Decutter your bathroom, it's usually the easiest room to declutter as less sentimental stuff, and the sense of achievement will hopefully give you a bit of motivation. Motivation won't come to you naturally; it comes from doing stuff.

Mel Robbins is also good for a push, quite American, but I've found some of her stuff helpful.

OP, I also have unmedicated adhd and recognise what you are saying.

I find doing things for between 2-15 mins helps enormously.

When I put the kettle on, while waiting for it to boil, I do high knees. Every time I clean my teeth I do 20 squats. If I stick something in the microwave to heat up I do worktop press ups or lunges etc.

These are only 1-2 mins each time, but they start to activate you. You could try doing this for a week. It will give you more energy, and once you have more energy, it will be easier to get the DC out.

Find sneaky ways to get DC interested in outdoors. Does Pokemon Go still exist? That was great. Or get them a pedometer and ask them to guess how many steps it is to walk to the shops to buy an ice cream. Don't be scared of using sugar bribes at first. Once they get the bug to walk 10k steps, you can start talking about food that helps make their muscles strong etc and move towards a healthier life style. Don't try to persuade them to like stuff, just do it. Just say: right, everyone out of the house. We need fresh air and exercise - all of us. We don't want to end up as couch potatoes.Take them to a play park for 30 mins or on a scavenger hunt. They'll soon adapt to it. That's the great thing about young kids, they are very adaptable.

For housework I massively rely on Flylady techniques. I think her site and method has got rather complicated now, and lots of ADHD people prefer The Organised Mum Method or Unf*ck your habitat. But in case it helps you, the ones I love are:

5 minute room rescue. Set a timer for 5 minutes (or if your ADHD is really bad, for 2 minutes, 3 times in succession. I do that as I genuinely forget half way through the 5 minute clear up that I was clearing up.) IN that 5 mins, tidy the biggest most noticeable things that make the room look bad. E.g. hang up coats and bags, pair shoes, chuck out any newspapers, flyers, take away boxes, put dirty mugs etc in dishwasher or sink, empty rubbish bins etc. It is unbelievable how much better a room looks after only 5 mins. Truly inspirational. I can now tidy almost any room in my house in 5 mins.

It works for any room. Bathroom? Polish taps and mirrors, quick scrub of loo, chuck out empty shampoo bottles, fold towels, change bathmats etc.

Another method by her is '15 mins to company ready'. That means making a room look good enough to receive guests. Not perfect, no deep clean, just nice enough. For that you do the 5 minute room rescue and add a 10 minute clean - just hoover the bits of carpet you can see, polish and dust where you can see, clear surfaces and make a focal point in the room, eg. plump cushions and a folded throw on the sofa, or a jug of flowers on a clean empty table. It is genuinely possible to do this in 10 minutes and the effect is so soothing. I rarely clean for more than 10 minutes at a time but the house looks way better than it did and it never overwhelms me because I know I can sort it with a 5 minute tidy and 10 minute clean.

I really recognise this state of mind and state of life. Please be kind to yourself. Self-loathing just makes it worse. We are as we are. If ADHD were fairly treated and medicated, we'd all be much more functioning, and contribute more to society. I no longer blame myself, even though it is deeply frustrating and upsetting.

Have you tried writing down what you do do each day, instead of judging what you don't do? I thought I spend all day every day doomscrolling and eating. But writing it down, I found I'd got DC up and dressed, fed them, done a washload (even if it never got folded and put away), emptied the dishwasher, fed the animals, cooked tea, chatted to and cuddled DC, read to them and bathed them at night etc. Not loads, but important stuff that keeps life ticking over. It made me feel a lot better about myself when I wrote down what i did do not what I meant to do.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your replies. I feel alone quite a lot so it’s nice to be spoken to with kindness. There are some really tangible goals for me to try here! It’s just so hard when your brain just always wants to default to sitting and eating. I will definitely look at Atomic Habits. Thank you

Cut sugar out and preferably wheat and processed crap from today.

I did this think more clearly,
and sleep better and am calmer,
less manic, but full of energy.

also adhd I think (undiagnosed)

Also it’s bloody awesome not being hungry all the time like I was when eating standard rubbish.

Have you tried lists and simple timetables for yourself? I find writing down things I need to sort as a big list, I take a couple of things off that each day and get those done ( or at least started). Being able to cross things off 'the list' can help you see what you've done. Sometimes it's too easy to focus on what you haven't done. Good luck!

This is really helpful. I'd like to try this (said eyeing the white sugar white flour cake I baked yesterday. )
Serious qu - where did you find the willpower to do that? It's not easy when you are surrounded by family who still eat the stuff.

Yes it is. I've bitten my nails for 40+ years and have managed to stop this year and actually have nice strong nails using EFT tapping techniques.

I don't think your habits sounds so ingrained but just something you have fallen into more recently, perhaps being mildly depressed and run down and overwhelmed. I often felt like this when the children were younger. Try and make yourself and your needs a priority as much as you can. Sometimes by focusing on one or two things, particularly getting more sleep. eating well, and going out for a walk every day, you may find you have more energy to do other things also.

I found also that while I liked to make lists, sometimes the tasks on my list were too big to tackle as they were actually more of a project where several steps needed doing in order. I found that writing the individual steps out helped break it down and not seem so overwhelming.

My problem was constantly feeing hungry.

so I made myself a huge three egg cheese omelette for breakfast which meant I was not hungry until dinner time and I just kept going. It’s horrible feeing hungry constantly. I feel freed but I really notice it from
my skin to my mood and I am far more switched on than normal.

you just have to get past day 1!

If you can observe the Hard Wired habit then you can change it.

Has nothing to do with ADHD. It is in fact Mindful to be able to observe one's habits.

If you couldn't observe them and continue the behaviour then it would be a problem. Narcissists spring to mind.

Keep talking as much as you need.
It's difficult when you're isolated or feel alone - I've found it makes it easier for bad habits to become ingrained, which is why, I suppose, support groups work so well.

Thank you. I'm about to go on holiday but when I'm back that's what I'll do!