AIBU to be hurt by friend being caught in a lie?

[MrsTWH]

I’ve been friends with A for about 4 years. At first we used to meet up every few weeks for drinks/dinner/dog walks or whatever. We worked together. She texts me every single day, which I sometimes find a bit smothering but she’s a nice person and always enthusiastic about our friendship and kind, as I also try to be.

Last year was a big birthday and I paid for a group of friends for a day out in London to celebrate. She messed me about for months, saying she was coming, then her husband had to work, then she was coming for half of it, then husband had tickets to the football, then her mum was poorly. In the end, they actually moved house the day before so she genuinely wasn’t able to come. I’m really laidback, if you don’t want to come then just say so - it’s an invitation not a court summons! I have other friends who will say, “not my thing, sorry” and it’s absolutely fine! I gave her the benefit of the doubt and just felt she was probably trying not to hurt my feelings and moved on.

In the last year, we have met up for a coffee at 9am twice. I think she doesn’t go out in the evenings at all. She still texted me every single day. My birthday rolls around again and she drops off a present and card and flowers - totally unexpected. I say some friends are coming out for a drink and some food, really casual, and if she wants to come it would be lovely but not a problem if she doesn’t fancy it or is busy. She accepts. Then she texts me that her husband’s aunt is terminally ill so he’s going to visit family for the weekend so she will be home with the kids and unable to come out. I said how sorry I was, can I do anything?
Only, the next day her husband posts on Instagram pictures of the lovely family day out they’d had with the kids… I like the post. She then sends me a “oh god he decided to come home first thing Saturday, it was genuine” text. Then they both block me on Instagram. I sent her and “OK 🤷‍♀️” response. She has now ghosted me completely.

AIBU to be hurt and angry? Why can’t people just be honest? And what have I done to deserve being blocked and deleted?! If she didn’t want to be friends, why message me constantly and buy me presents?

She's embarrassed that she's been caught out on a lie. I wouldn't bother with her again.

Maybe she is quite socially anxious and has a hard time being assertive and saying no without (what she believes) is a good reason?

I'm not excusing it in the slightest, it was wrong. Just saying it's not always black and white

Wtf? Yanbu

That's so odd. If she doesn't want to go out in the evenings, she only has to say so!

I imagine there's some social anxiety at play maybe, or just scared of the dark 🤔?

But there was no need to block you! Jeez

Yanbu

So embarrassed she’d drop a friend? If that was me (and it wouldn’t be, as I wouldn’t behave that way), I’d apologise and explain it was because she didn’t want to come but didn’t want to hurt my feelings and going forward we’d just be more honest with each other. To ghost me completely seems like a total overreaction when I haven’t actually done anything wrong.

But you’re right, there’s no coming back from this. It’s always sad to lose someone you thought was a friend.

Also - whats the vibe like between her and her husband?...could he be dictating who she sees / when she sees them / how long for?

It does sound like social anxiety....has she ever gone out with you for anything in a group setting? I can only imagine her anxiety must be extremely bad to panic and block you.

I guess if you want to text her and invite her for coffee. It doesn’t appear she’s going to make the first move. This is one of those times that just pretending that something didn’t happen works.

A similar thing happened to me with someone I used to work with - we both retired at around the same time), I emailed her in the October suggesting we could catch up sometime before Christmas but she said she wasn’t well enough (she does have some health issues) and was going to “hibernate”. She suggested a spring catch up which I said would be lovely and I left it at that. A few weeks later she was tagged on Facebook out with some other retired ex colleagues.

She is very assertive!! She has a good job which requires her to lead meetings with 50+ people in them. She never has trouble telling me her opinions on other things.

I worked with her husband for a while as well, he seems decent and I’m not getting any controlling vibes. He works very long hours so I know she is at home with the kids on her own a lot and doesn’t leave them with anyone apart from her parents.

I did suspect she doesn’t have many friends and so wondered if it was social anxiety. But then, just say oh thank you for asking but not my thing/I have plans that night?

I have done this. She has blocked me on WhatsApp rather than respond to my offer of a coffee and chat.

@MrsTWH That’s too bad. Then, yeah not much can be done here. I agree it’s sad that she can’t get past her own foolishness, I suspect she’ll regret it at some point if she isn’t already.

So have you only seen her in person twice in the last year, or at other times too? Seems weird to be texting so much but not wanting to meet up.

I left work a few months ago. So saw her at work every day. Since I left work, we’ve seen each other once in person. She managed to slot me in for an hour at 9am after the school run!
But continued texting me every single day. A friendship on Whatsapp where you don’t want to see someone in person despite living 10 min away just seems a bit odd to me?

Even very successful people can be terrible communicators. She obviously does like you but you are essentially her ‘text’ friend. Also both of the events you mentioned involved other people and I’d suspect that’s an issue for her.

I wouldn’t say the friendship is necessarily over but I’d wait to hear from her first. And I’d also ask myself if I actually need a text friend?

I don’t need a text friend! Especially one that can’t be honest. I have plenty of real life ones.

This.

She sounds fucking horrible. Good riddance.

Sounds like social anxiety to me. She wants to go, she thinks she should go, but then she can’t bring herself to do it and makes up an elaborate excuse why she can’t. Possibly because she thinks if she says she doesn’t fancy it you’ll stop inviting her. And now she’s in a panic about it all, feels really stupid snd has blocked you.

Not much you can do if you can’t contact her. Hopefully this will be the catalyst she needs to get some help if it is anxiety.

She's embarrased she got caught out and now cannot face you. She wasn't a real friend, you saw her twice in a year! Forget her, you have plenty of real friends. I suspect she doesn't have any real friends, as she never goes out with them. She probably sends daily texts to a few people, thinking they're her friends. But a friend is someone you chat to and do stuff with.