Worried about being pregnant, how can I stop my worries

[usernamein]

I'm 38 and pregnant, first time.

I'm an anxious person generally and the last 24 hours I've been of the scale with my anxiety over the baby having health issues and I would have to terminate the pregnancy.

I've had a termination already and that was awful (due to circumstances). The women grabbed my legs opened to check for bleeding despite me not wanting to be checked that way. The doctor was also awful in how he spoke to me about contraception.

I've sadly told my parents and I can't keep this for myself.... but why shouldn't they know, they should support me.

I'm currently crying because I'm so worried about the baby having an issue. It's anxiety. I know there is no reason to worry as I've not had any tests etc but I've been Googling risks etc.

Anyone able to help me?

I'm nearly 10 weeks and went this baby,

First thing Tuesday morning, get yourself on the phone to your midwife team, or your GP. You need some significant support around your anxiety here.

There isn’t much mumsnet posters can do to help in reality, it would be better for you to get some real life help.

When you’ve been anxious before, what mechanisms have you used to cope and to centre yourself then? Can you try those methods now?

i wonder how long ago your termination was…. And whether it’s preying on your mind now, or whether it’s never been really processed in your mind? It sounds a horrid experience, and I’m really sorry.

Hang on, sorry- I hope I haven’t dropped a clanger there!

You say this is your first pregnancy? I was reading it like you had terminated a previous pregnancy. Is it this pregnancy you have terminated but didn’t want to?

There is nothing anyone can do I think. Until I get the test results I won't know. There are so many things that can happen as well. Autism or accidents etc. childbirth etc.

The termination happened 3 years ago and I didn't want to go through with it. But I can't change the past.

My mistake. First time I'm going though with the pregnancy.

Ah, ok. I just didn’t want to misunderstand.

what tests are you hoping to have? The thing is, pregnancy and parenting can be anxious times and there won’t be tests for everything, so I really do think it would be worthwhile investing in trying to build some ways to help yourself. Like you say, you can’t test for accidents, so it would be better to build some self protection- whether that’s medication, mental health support through therapy, self help in meditation and mindfulness or any other way.

Seek help, please, so that you don’t suffer unnecessarily. You can get through it.

They do abnormality tests for Downs etc. it's because I'm older pregnancy.

Hi op, your worries are normal and everyone has those concerns, I know i did, however the important thing to consider is how much these worries are impacting on your day to day. The first trimester is really daunting before yo get a scan tbh. I thought it would be lovely and exciting but it was actually quite lonely and worrisome in my experience. I'd say you do need to talk to your midwife and get some support around this anxiety as it sounds like it's significant for you and stress isn't great for you either. I did lots of meditation, walking, talking to dh about my worries, binge watched lots of mindless TV series and tried to keep myself as busy as I could. I also tried to focus on any sickness or things like that as positive signs that baby was growing and getting stronger. I think as you get older you're just more aware of things that have gone wrong for others and that anxiety I don't think completely goes until you've a healthy baby in your arms. Managing it is everything. It's also worth mentioning you'll be on an absolute roller coaster of hormones right now so that might be making your anxiety worse than normal so talking to the midwife is important.

Thanks.

I don't have my first hospital appointment until Friday.

It's because I really want this - and don't most women.

I didn't realise how risky babies were at my age:

At the weekend I was also at a party and a couple had a child with Down's syndrome which got me thinking about things.

This isn't healthy.

Actually 3 babies and we did not have concerns. It didn't matter to me or hubby how our little ones came out. They would be loved regardless. And apart from one of our twins being born with a twisted foot they are all fine and healthy. The foot was re aligned and she is now toddling about normally

"Whatever happens happens and there is no reason to worry until you have a reason to worry... And then you will deal with the problem." It's kind of my mantra to talk myself off the ledge again. I'm not a very anxious person but the moment DC came along I swear the news were filled with abducted and abused or ill children. It was awful; and worrying it could happen to mine almost drove me insane. The worries aren't going to help or change anything and they actively prevent you from enjoying the pregnancy. Keep yourself and your little one as safe as you can. That's all you can do. Try and interrupt your thought process when it goes down the dark paths or seek professional help with it. Hopefully everything will be fine and you allow yourself to feel hopeful and happy.

How old were you? I don't have another chance as I'm single.

Yes I'm trying to remember that. I'm 38 and got pregnant quickly so I should be thankful.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Sorry it’s so stressful. After going through a termination it’s no wonder you’re stressed out.

Seek support and all the tests you can get to reassure yourself. Give yourself permission to worry only if the time comes that something does show up on tests. Until then say to yourself ‘I’m fine, the baby is fine, all is well in my world’ when you feel worried.

I hope whatever circs you had three years ago that prevented you continuing with the last pregnancy have been fully resolved and you are looking after your health and eating well, staying away from anything bad for the baby, and get all the support you may need as a mum.

Can I just say that if you do end up with a child with Downs sydrome or autism it isn‘t the end of the world. Autism can’t even be tested for, it can only be diagnosed once child is a toddler/child onwards. And actually, children with these types of conditions are so incredibly rewarding in terms of parenting. You will love them regardless, it’s just a struggle in terms of getting them what they need (basically other people make it hard).

I have neurotypical and neurodiverse children and I have to say that the pride I am filled with for my autistic daughter is indescribable… when she does things that I have wondered whether she would ever be able to do I am filled with so much happiness it hurts - really! She is literally the sunshine of our family. If I could take the autism away it would be for her, not me, but she knows no different and will be ok because I will make sure of it. It’s all part of being a parent.

You will worry about every aspect of your child’s life because you want what is best for them not just how they come out. Being a mum means doing what is best for your child in every circumstance and your anxiety shows that you already want this and that’s lovely. However, you need to speak with your midwife to get some mental health support which is fine and they will be happy to help you. Don’t suffer alone.

You should be scared. If you find out baby has autism you won't be more scared than having any baby. Being scared shows you how much you suddenly care about someone more than yourself, and you will become a better mum than you ever thought

Hi @usernamein clearly you have a lot of emotional energy. Can I suggest that instead of googling, you channel it into reading a really good book about pregnancy etc? One that educates you? I was amazed how much there was to learn on the subject when I started reading about it.

Also look into NCT or childbirth classes near you to see if you can book onto if you wish, or what support groups there are for parents of young babies.

Charity shops often have pregnancy books on their shelves, as people do clear them out.